I don't know what it is about quotes. But I sure do love the good ones. Maybe it's wisdom compacted; therefore, it's easily remembered. At any rate, here are some of my fave's....
A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure until he says someone pushed him. ~ Elmer G. Letterman
I haven't failed. I've found 10,000 ways that didn't work. ~Thomas Edison
Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional
Obstacles can either be stepping stones or stumbling blocks
How you handle matters matters MORE than the matters you handle
Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous: you get knocked down by both sides. ~Margaret Thatcher
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. ~Henry Ford
Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision after the emotion of making that decision has passed. ~Hyrum Smith
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Mahatma Gandhi
A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are built for. ~John Shedd
Rejoice in the good times, learn from that bad times, and know that God is there ALL the time.
The cost of your sins is more than you can pay. The gift of your God is more than you can imagine.
You will never forgive anymore more than God has already forgiven you.
Don't stop on a daisy while looking for a rose.
Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vesta Kelly
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain
The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest
When it is time to die let us not discover that we never lived. ~Henry David Thoreau
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending! ~Carl Brand
It is smart to pick your friends, but not to peices.
If it offends God, it ought to offend you.
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~Jim Elliot
God would prefer we have an occasional limp than a perpetual strut, and if it takes a thorn for Him to make His point, He loves us enough not to pluck it out.
Action is the antidote for despair.
The danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. ~ Michelangelo
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill
Nails didn't hold God to a cross. LOVE DID.
Pray is if it all depended on God. Work as if it all depended on you.
_____________________
THE MINISTRY IS...
giving when you feel like keeping
praying for others when you need to be prayed for
feeding others when your own soul is hungry
living truth before people even when you can't see results
hurting with other people even when your own hurt can't be spoken
keeping your word even when it is not convenient
being faithful when your flesh wants to run away
_____________________
MONEY...
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy blood, but not life.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a position, but not respect.
It can buy sex, but not love.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy medicine, but not health.
For what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world but lost his own soul? ~ The Bible
July 11, 2009
June 21, 2009
it all started with captain d's
Days like today deserve to go down in the record books... I have always appreciated the good days, but even more so since mom was diagnosed with cancer in December. I recognize how quickly these good days with her could have been taken away and am even more thankful for them now then I ever was before. When she was first diagnosed I thought of all the things we never did that we were going to do "next summer" ... and realizing that we might not have a "next summer" really struck me and has made me think about the importance of making the best and most out of each day. I will be honest and say that it is also never far from my mind that her cancer could come back. Her type is never "healed" or completely removed. It may come back in 3 months, or never come back. Supposedly, if it does come back, there's nothing the doctors can do. I definitely believe that God can heal her if He chooses to and that is what we are hoping and praying for. But the reality is, no one knows when their life will be over (thank goodness). I say that not to be morbid, but to point out that we can't live life fretting away about all the "what ifs." A perfectly healthy person could be taken in an instant in a car accident while someone with cancer may live for another year. While I believe I have always lived my life with purpose and with the mindset that life is too short be boring, that mindset is even more concrete now .....and when mom and I have good days, it's worth noting.
Today started off with mom's wonderfully wonderful boyfriend coming over and suggesting we run out to Captain D's for some lunch. We all piled in the car assuming we'd grab lunch and go back home. Well, after lunch we all agreed that a hot summer day like this required some really good ice cream ... and mom personally thought that the BEST ice cream place around was the one that was 45 minutes south - in South Carolina. While some people might scoff at the idea of driving 45 minutes for a good ice cream, my mom and I both know that any excuse to take a drive on a beautiful summer day is a good one. Bert was at the mercy of us both, and I was the driver so he had no say :) One thing I love about Bert though, is his spontaneous spirit...so he suggested that we take all the back road instead of the boring highway. Definitely a winning idea in my book. About an hour later we arrived at the ice cream place and found a nice shade tree to sit under and enjoy. As we were talking about how we really were out in the middle of nowhere, Bert pointed out that the lake was only another hour down the road.... so, it was only logical that we should keep going since we were already halfway there :) GREAT IDEA! Now when I say in the middle of no where, I mean NO WHERE. I saw some of the most redneck people I have ever seen in my life today. But what's great about this lake is that it's huge and beautiful and hardly populated because it's so far out. On a beautiful day like today, we were able to show up and be one of only a few out enjoying the scenery. After awhile, we were all talking about how hot it was and how much we wished we had known we'd end up here because we would have grabbed our swimsuits. But...hey, we are all about seizing the moment right? What started off as a "let's just get our feet wet" turned into a full-blown, fully-clothed swimming session for my mother and I :) Bert just sat on the beach shaking his head at us, but he's learned by now that the more he tells us something is not a good idea, the more we will want to do it :) The day ended with a nice drive back to NC, a good dinner and a movie, and sitting outside on my hammock under the stars.
Yep, I think this is one for the books.
Today started off with mom's wonderfully wonderful boyfriend coming over and suggesting we run out to Captain D's for some lunch. We all piled in the car assuming we'd grab lunch and go back home. Well, after lunch we all agreed that a hot summer day like this required some really good ice cream ... and mom personally thought that the BEST ice cream place around was the one that was 45 minutes south - in South Carolina. While some people might scoff at the idea of driving 45 minutes for a good ice cream, my mom and I both know that any excuse to take a drive on a beautiful summer day is a good one. Bert was at the mercy of us both, and I was the driver so he had no say :) One thing I love about Bert though, is his spontaneous spirit...so he suggested that we take all the back road instead of the boring highway. Definitely a winning idea in my book. About an hour later we arrived at the ice cream place and found a nice shade tree to sit under and enjoy. As we were talking about how we really were out in the middle of nowhere, Bert pointed out that the lake was only another hour down the road.... so, it was only logical that we should keep going since we were already halfway there :) GREAT IDEA! Now when I say in the middle of no where, I mean NO WHERE. I saw some of the most redneck people I have ever seen in my life today. But what's great about this lake is that it's huge and beautiful and hardly populated because it's so far out. On a beautiful day like today, we were able to show up and be one of only a few out enjoying the scenery. After awhile, we were all talking about how hot it was and how much we wished we had known we'd end up here because we would have grabbed our swimsuits. But...hey, we are all about seizing the moment right? What started off as a "let's just get our feet wet" turned into a full-blown, fully-clothed swimming session for my mother and I :) Bert just sat on the beach shaking his head at us, but he's learned by now that the more he tells us something is not a good idea, the more we will want to do it :) The day ended with a nice drive back to NC, a good dinner and a movie, and sitting outside on my hammock under the stars.
Yep, I think this is one for the books.
April 13, 2009
my favorite possession and the unknown soldier
Have you ever lost something dear to you and years later it still crosses your mind? I have.
My sophmore year of college I was flying home from Tampa to Baltimore. I was a 2 year old Christian and had my favorite possession with me...my Red NIV Bible. It was the Bible I bought the day I became a Christian - my friend Ruth had one much like it, and since her testimony was the final straw that made me decide to turn my life over to Christ, I wanted one *just* like hers :) I read it so much that the leather was soft and I knew where to find all those really special verses...I might not know the reference, but I knew if you turned to a certain section of the book you would find that one really cool verse highlighed in green towards the bottom left - that kind of Bible. That is why it was with me on the plane. I pretty much took it wherever I went.
As I was sitting in the Tampa airport, I noticed a downtrodden soldier staring blankly into a Reader's Digest. Even though it was 7 or 8 years ago, I can still picture it like it was yesterday. He had extremely short jet black hair, was wearing his uniform, and the Reader's Digest had blotches of bright red and yellow on the front. The thing I remember most, however, was the lost look in his eyes. Have you ever been in the presence of someone and it's almost like you can FEEL the sorrow? That's how it was. I wondered what he was thinking, who he was leaving behind. What was making him so sad? In this moment, I knew that I was supposed to give him my Bible. My precious Bible.
I sat in the Tampa airport for the next 45 minutes wrestling with the concept that God would want me to give my Bible away. I kept thinking that if God really wanted him to have a Bible, God could make sure He got one and it didn't need to be mine. I felt no peace inside, but I just couldn't bear with the thought of sacrificing my Bible...my dearest possession. Sure, I had other Bibles, but none as special as this one. Eventually our plane started boarding and throughout the entire 2 hour plane ride I felt tormented over my decision. I kept thinking about how this guy was likely on his way to Iraq and could possibly die. What would happen to him if I DIDN'T give him my Bible? Wasn't it selfish of me to keep it to myself, especially since I had multiple others on my bookshelf at home? As we made our final descent into Baltimore, the captain's voice filled the cabin as he announced that the soldiers aboard our flight were joining about 200 others in the Baltimore airport and would be leaving for Iraq in the morning. He asked us all the clap our hands in thanks and in that moment I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn't live with myself if I let him slip away without giving him my Bible.
When our plane landed, I quickly deplaned and stood by the gate, hoping that I hadn't missed him. I wasn't sure where he had been sitting and if he would have gotten off the plane before me. I had NO idea what I would say to him when I found him, but I didn't care. I just knew what I had to do and went with the impulse. I waited and waited, watching as several soldiers made their way down the hall ...eventually the line died out and I realized that everyone was off the plane, but I hadn't seen my downtrodden soldier.
I decided to run to baggage claim, hoping I would see him there. As I ran through the terminal, I couldn't stop crying. I don't know if it was the emotion of giving my Bible away, or if it was the work of the Holy Spirit in me, but I was so moved by this young man and the fact he was going to war that I couldn't stop crying over the situation. Once arriving at baggage claim, I realized that I didn't see him there either. Where had he gone?
I looked up, and just ahead of me and to the right was a tall soldier walking quickly through the terminal. At this point I was so burdened to give the soldier my Bible, I didn't really care what I had to do to make it happen. I was not going to let him leave without my favorite possession. I ran after the soldier and explained my plight. I remember explaining to him that I was looking for "a soldier wearing, well, what you're wearing....and his hair was black and short, ....well, kind of like yours..." (at this point realizing the ridiculousness of my description - don't all soldiers look like that?! so I thought I would give the defining feature...) "he was reading a Reader's Digest and looking very sad....do you know who he is or where he went? I have to give him my Bible!!!" The soldier just sneered at me and looked at me like I had gone absolutely crazy. I knew how weird it must seem, but I was so absolutely sure that this is what I was supposed to do, I didn't care. In response, he told me that 200+ soldiers were meeting in this terminal tonight and there was absolutely no way that he could help me find this man. He turned and started to walk off, but I decided that the second best thing I could do was to give him, the soldier nearly laughing at me, my Bible. I remember telling him to "wait," slowly handing the Bible to him, all while explaining that it was very dear and precious to me, and if he figured out who the man was to please give it to him or that he could keep it himself. I reminded him of how precious it was to me and begged him to take good care of it. I remember the way my heart felt when he looked at the Bible in his hand, back at me, and then laughed. He dropped his arm flippantly to his side, spun around on his heel and took off, leaving me there in the middle of the airport hoping that this arrogant man wouldn't throw my dearest possession in the trash.
I still feel that unnameable feeling that I felt when he sarcastically walked away. It hurt to see how little he regarded my Bible. Didn't he understand how valuable it was? Didn't he know how much it hurt my heart to give it away.....and then to see him treat it so disrespectfully? I still sometimes wonder if he threw my Bible in the trash or where it ended up. But, you know, it made me think about how God must feel when we disregard His Word. It's His love letter to us....our instruction guide. It contains the answers to life and God's expressed love for us. How must He feel when we treat it with so little respect? Don't we know people DIED to give us a Bible? What about Christ's sacrifice? Don't we care at all that He died for us and that the story of His sacrificial love is written in the pages of that book? As much as it broke my heart to see my Bible treated so poorly, I can only imagine how God's heart must have felt in that moment, too.
I still wonder what ever happened to that Bible. Did the tall soldier give it to the downtrodden one? Did he throw it in the trash? If so, did the janitor find it and read it? Did it change his life? Did the tall soldier keep it and finally decide to read it when in the middle of the desert while facing the reality of death? Did He accept Christ's love and forgiveness? Did it change his marriage...his family...his friends? Have pages been ripped out so different people can have a portion of God's Word? What does it look like now? I often picture the red cover being faded with dust and the pages being dirty and worn on the edges. I can imagine that the pages feel soft with the frequent use and turning of pages, and perhaps there are even bloodstains on a few. Have any Iraqis been changed by the Good Book? Sometimes I imagine a dusty soldier showing up on my doorstep with my Bible in hand. The book contains my name (although at the time I went by my mother's maiden name); the name of the church and the date I was baptized; and the dates of new arrivals, weddings, and deaths. I imagine that if someone really wanted to track me down, they could with a little research and some effort. The romantic side of me imagines that one day prince charming will show up and tell me he fell in love with me while reading my notes and highlighted verses. :) Okay, a little corny and quite sappy, I know....but the mind does wander. I just have to believe that if God laid it on my heart so strongly to give that Bible away, that He had great plans for that Bible and lives have been changed. I don't think it's just been one or two either (although the Bible says the angels rejoice even when just one accepts Christ), but I feel in my heart like hundreds, if not thousands, of people have been changed by that Bible.
I hope that one day God will reveal to me where that Bible has traveled and who has been changed by it. I imagine it is a fascinating trail of changed lives and healed hearts and families. Only God knows...maybe I will never know this side of Heaven, but until then I will keep imagining and wondering, praying that God's will is still being carried out through the pages contained in my favorite possession.
My sophmore year of college I was flying home from Tampa to Baltimore. I was a 2 year old Christian and had my favorite possession with me...my Red NIV Bible. It was the Bible I bought the day I became a Christian - my friend Ruth had one much like it, and since her testimony was the final straw that made me decide to turn my life over to Christ, I wanted one *just* like hers :) I read it so much that the leather was soft and I knew where to find all those really special verses...I might not know the reference, but I knew if you turned to a certain section of the book you would find that one really cool verse highlighed in green towards the bottom left - that kind of Bible. That is why it was with me on the plane. I pretty much took it wherever I went.
As I was sitting in the Tampa airport, I noticed a downtrodden soldier staring blankly into a Reader's Digest. Even though it was 7 or 8 years ago, I can still picture it like it was yesterday. He had extremely short jet black hair, was wearing his uniform, and the Reader's Digest had blotches of bright red and yellow on the front. The thing I remember most, however, was the lost look in his eyes. Have you ever been in the presence of someone and it's almost like you can FEEL the sorrow? That's how it was. I wondered what he was thinking, who he was leaving behind. What was making him so sad? In this moment, I knew that I was supposed to give him my Bible. My precious Bible.
I sat in the Tampa airport for the next 45 minutes wrestling with the concept that God would want me to give my Bible away. I kept thinking that if God really wanted him to have a Bible, God could make sure He got one and it didn't need to be mine. I felt no peace inside, but I just couldn't bear with the thought of sacrificing my Bible...my dearest possession. Sure, I had other Bibles, but none as special as this one. Eventually our plane started boarding and throughout the entire 2 hour plane ride I felt tormented over my decision. I kept thinking about how this guy was likely on his way to Iraq and could possibly die. What would happen to him if I DIDN'T give him my Bible? Wasn't it selfish of me to keep it to myself, especially since I had multiple others on my bookshelf at home? As we made our final descent into Baltimore, the captain's voice filled the cabin as he announced that the soldiers aboard our flight were joining about 200 others in the Baltimore airport and would be leaving for Iraq in the morning. He asked us all the clap our hands in thanks and in that moment I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn't live with myself if I let him slip away without giving him my Bible.
When our plane landed, I quickly deplaned and stood by the gate, hoping that I hadn't missed him. I wasn't sure where he had been sitting and if he would have gotten off the plane before me. I had NO idea what I would say to him when I found him, but I didn't care. I just knew what I had to do and went with the impulse. I waited and waited, watching as several soldiers made their way down the hall ...eventually the line died out and I realized that everyone was off the plane, but I hadn't seen my downtrodden soldier.
I decided to run to baggage claim, hoping I would see him there. As I ran through the terminal, I couldn't stop crying. I don't know if it was the emotion of giving my Bible away, or if it was the work of the Holy Spirit in me, but I was so moved by this young man and the fact he was going to war that I couldn't stop crying over the situation. Once arriving at baggage claim, I realized that I didn't see him there either. Where had he gone?
I looked up, and just ahead of me and to the right was a tall soldier walking quickly through the terminal. At this point I was so burdened to give the soldier my Bible, I didn't really care what I had to do to make it happen. I was not going to let him leave without my favorite possession. I ran after the soldier and explained my plight. I remember explaining to him that I was looking for "a soldier wearing, well, what you're wearing....and his hair was black and short, ....well, kind of like yours..." (at this point realizing the ridiculousness of my description - don't all soldiers look like that?! so I thought I would give the defining feature...) "he was reading a Reader's Digest and looking very sad....do you know who he is or where he went? I have to give him my Bible!!!" The soldier just sneered at me and looked at me like I had gone absolutely crazy. I knew how weird it must seem, but I was so absolutely sure that this is what I was supposed to do, I didn't care. In response, he told me that 200+ soldiers were meeting in this terminal tonight and there was absolutely no way that he could help me find this man. He turned and started to walk off, but I decided that the second best thing I could do was to give him, the soldier nearly laughing at me, my Bible. I remember telling him to "wait," slowly handing the Bible to him, all while explaining that it was very dear and precious to me, and if he figured out who the man was to please give it to him or that he could keep it himself. I reminded him of how precious it was to me and begged him to take good care of it. I remember the way my heart felt when he looked at the Bible in his hand, back at me, and then laughed. He dropped his arm flippantly to his side, spun around on his heel and took off, leaving me there in the middle of the airport hoping that this arrogant man wouldn't throw my dearest possession in the trash.
I still feel that unnameable feeling that I felt when he sarcastically walked away. It hurt to see how little he regarded my Bible. Didn't he understand how valuable it was? Didn't he know how much it hurt my heart to give it away.....and then to see him treat it so disrespectfully? I still sometimes wonder if he threw my Bible in the trash or where it ended up. But, you know, it made me think about how God must feel when we disregard His Word. It's His love letter to us....our instruction guide. It contains the answers to life and God's expressed love for us. How must He feel when we treat it with so little respect? Don't we know people DIED to give us a Bible? What about Christ's sacrifice? Don't we care at all that He died for us and that the story of His sacrificial love is written in the pages of that book? As much as it broke my heart to see my Bible treated so poorly, I can only imagine how God's heart must have felt in that moment, too.
I still wonder what ever happened to that Bible. Did the tall soldier give it to the downtrodden one? Did he throw it in the trash? If so, did the janitor find it and read it? Did it change his life? Did the tall soldier keep it and finally decide to read it when in the middle of the desert while facing the reality of death? Did He accept Christ's love and forgiveness? Did it change his marriage...his family...his friends? Have pages been ripped out so different people can have a portion of God's Word? What does it look like now? I often picture the red cover being faded with dust and the pages being dirty and worn on the edges. I can imagine that the pages feel soft with the frequent use and turning of pages, and perhaps there are even bloodstains on a few. Have any Iraqis been changed by the Good Book? Sometimes I imagine a dusty soldier showing up on my doorstep with my Bible in hand. The book contains my name (although at the time I went by my mother's maiden name); the name of the church and the date I was baptized; and the dates of new arrivals, weddings, and deaths. I imagine that if someone really wanted to track me down, they could with a little research and some effort. The romantic side of me imagines that one day prince charming will show up and tell me he fell in love with me while reading my notes and highlighted verses. :) Okay, a little corny and quite sappy, I know....but the mind does wander. I just have to believe that if God laid it on my heart so strongly to give that Bible away, that He had great plans for that Bible and lives have been changed. I don't think it's just been one or two either (although the Bible says the angels rejoice even when just one accepts Christ), but I feel in my heart like hundreds, if not thousands, of people have been changed by that Bible.
I hope that one day God will reveal to me where that Bible has traveled and who has been changed by it. I imagine it is a fascinating trail of changed lives and healed hearts and families. Only God knows...maybe I will never know this side of Heaven, but until then I will keep imagining and wondering, praying that God's will is still being carried out through the pages contained in my favorite possession.
April 9, 2009
a speedbump or a parking space?
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life's direction and honestly, I don't know which way is which. I still know I want to be a counselor, but lately I have been doubting my abilities to offer anyone any sort of sound or godly advice. But, I suppose if I felt I had it all together I would actually be a bad counselor.... hopefully realizing I don't know it all will drive me to read and learn more, and seek Him for words at the right times.
As I consider my time here in NC, I wonder if it is just a speedbump in the road of life, or if it is going to turn into a permanent parking spot. Honestly, I am hoping for the speedbump. I feel kind of guilty saying that out loud, but I don't know how to be fake and I just have to say that I'm not a huge fan of Mount Holly. I really like the part about living closer to family, and it's nice to help mom out when she needs it (such as now after surgery - it's hard to move around after such a major surgery and I'm glad I can be here). Honestly, though, I've learned I'm really just not a small town girl and I don't particularly like living so far away from a coffee shop with a good leather chair for reading a book. I do like how I can go outside and actually see stars at night or I can lie in my hammock and listen to the tree frogs. Don't get me wrong, there are perks, but I think Greenville is more my speed. It's definitely much smaller than I am used to, although I wouldn't classify it as a small town. It is WAY smaller than the Baltimore area that I am used to, but it has plenty to offer. I learned awhile ago that I classify towns as "big" or "small" based upon how many Walmarts they have - lol. This classification process would make Greenville medium-sized. You can live in the center of everything but be in the country or mountains within just a few minutes. Sometimes I think I want to live in the foothills for the sake of having land and peace and quiet, but other times I like living in the center of everything because it promotes random friends stopping by just to say "hello."
Thinking about all this just makes me wonder about my life. Where is it going? What am I doing? Why did God bring me to Mount Holly (other than the obvious of helping mom right now)? Does he have something more permanent in mind, or is this just a speedbump in the road on the way to the next pit stop? Why did He lead me to Greenville, only to allow me to live there for 5 months?
As of now, I can seriously see moving back to Greenville. It's where many good friends live. When I moved there, I had two good friends already, but since living there I have accumlated at least 2 more keepers :) It's hard to find friends that matter and will stick around, and I think going through mom's cancer bout I have learned which friends are which. So far, Greenville earns 4 points. However, Charlotte has family. But I'm torn... if God wanted me here, wouldn't I feel happier about it? I know God's will doesn't always = happiness. Sometimes it brings pain and sadness. Maybe a better word is peace. Wouldn't I have more peace? Instead I just feel restless and like someone hit my life's "pause" button. Maybe it's because I work from home so I really only see these four walls. By the way, that is DEFINITELY not my personality. I thrive on people and it's hard going days without seeing anyone other than myself in the mirror. This is part of why I want the coffee shop. :) At least then I could sit in a chair and watch people I don't know.
I dunno... I hope that God's plan for me involves completing my master's degree in counseling. Sometimes I think I want to then travel the world helping the sad and lonely, all while writing a riveting book and becoming a world-famous photographer :) Other times I hope His plan involves finding a man that I love so much that I will want to sacrifice the freedoms of singlehood so that I can spend the rest of my life with him. I honestly don't know how I feel about having kids. This is weird to me, since I have been so involved in children's ministry all throughout my life. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have kids and I imagine fun things I would do with them and think about how exciting it would be to teach them different things about the world, and then other times I feel suffocated thinking about the responsibility that would come along with it. But I suppose perhaps I feel that way because, at least for now, God's plan doesn't include kids. Maybe that desire will come if I get married...maybe then the desire to have kids will grow stronger. Sometimes when I watch hurting children - children without parents who love them - I feel very compelled to adopt. In my perfect world, I imagine being that "go to" person who can help change a person's life around and be the one to make a difference. I like the idea of having my own clinic with counseling, financial counseling, wedding planning, and orphan adopting :)
Who knows what God has planned for me. It's fun to think about. But for now, I just know I need to be faithful in earning my degree and as I go along, God will light the next path when it's time. Whether that path takes me back to Greenville, leaves me here in Mount Holly, or it takes me to adventures unknown.
As I consider my time here in NC, I wonder if it is just a speedbump in the road of life, or if it is going to turn into a permanent parking spot. Honestly, I am hoping for the speedbump. I feel kind of guilty saying that out loud, but I don't know how to be fake and I just have to say that I'm not a huge fan of Mount Holly. I really like the part about living closer to family, and it's nice to help mom out when she needs it (such as now after surgery - it's hard to move around after such a major surgery and I'm glad I can be here). Honestly, though, I've learned I'm really just not a small town girl and I don't particularly like living so far away from a coffee shop with a good leather chair for reading a book. I do like how I can go outside and actually see stars at night or I can lie in my hammock and listen to the tree frogs. Don't get me wrong, there are perks, but I think Greenville is more my speed. It's definitely much smaller than I am used to, although I wouldn't classify it as a small town. It is WAY smaller than the Baltimore area that I am used to, but it has plenty to offer. I learned awhile ago that I classify towns as "big" or "small" based upon how many Walmarts they have - lol. This classification process would make Greenville medium-sized. You can live in the center of everything but be in the country or mountains within just a few minutes. Sometimes I think I want to live in the foothills for the sake of having land and peace and quiet, but other times I like living in the center of everything because it promotes random friends stopping by just to say "hello."
Thinking about all this just makes me wonder about my life. Where is it going? What am I doing? Why did God bring me to Mount Holly (other than the obvious of helping mom right now)? Does he have something more permanent in mind, or is this just a speedbump in the road on the way to the next pit stop? Why did He lead me to Greenville, only to allow me to live there for 5 months?
As of now, I can seriously see moving back to Greenville. It's where many good friends live. When I moved there, I had two good friends already, but since living there I have accumlated at least 2 more keepers :) It's hard to find friends that matter and will stick around, and I think going through mom's cancer bout I have learned which friends are which. So far, Greenville earns 4 points. However, Charlotte has family. But I'm torn... if God wanted me here, wouldn't I feel happier about it? I know God's will doesn't always = happiness. Sometimes it brings pain and sadness. Maybe a better word is peace. Wouldn't I have more peace? Instead I just feel restless and like someone hit my life's "pause" button. Maybe it's because I work from home so I really only see these four walls. By the way, that is DEFINITELY not my personality. I thrive on people and it's hard going days without seeing anyone other than myself in the mirror. This is part of why I want the coffee shop. :) At least then I could sit in a chair and watch people I don't know.
I dunno... I hope that God's plan for me involves completing my master's degree in counseling. Sometimes I think I want to then travel the world helping the sad and lonely, all while writing a riveting book and becoming a world-famous photographer :) Other times I hope His plan involves finding a man that I love so much that I will want to sacrifice the freedoms of singlehood so that I can spend the rest of my life with him. I honestly don't know how I feel about having kids. This is weird to me, since I have been so involved in children's ministry all throughout my life. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have kids and I imagine fun things I would do with them and think about how exciting it would be to teach them different things about the world, and then other times I feel suffocated thinking about the responsibility that would come along with it. But I suppose perhaps I feel that way because, at least for now, God's plan doesn't include kids. Maybe that desire will come if I get married...maybe then the desire to have kids will grow stronger. Sometimes when I watch hurting children - children without parents who love them - I feel very compelled to adopt. In my perfect world, I imagine being that "go to" person who can help change a person's life around and be the one to make a difference. I like the idea of having my own clinic with counseling, financial counseling, wedding planning, and orphan adopting :)
Who knows what God has planned for me. It's fun to think about. But for now, I just know I need to be faithful in earning my degree and as I go along, God will light the next path when it's time. Whether that path takes me back to Greenville, leaves me here in Mount Holly, or it takes me to adventures unknown.
April 7, 2009
A hacksaw, my neighbor, and a big yellow bucket
I would say today would qualify as a pretty good day. I will admit that waking up and walking 4 steps to my home office sure is nice in the morning :) Perhaps one downside is the fact I don't get to pass a starbucks on my way, but my wallet ain't complainin. After work I headed out the front door, only to be greeted by my new friend and neighbor, Cybil. Wasn't that the name of some character on The Nanny? At any rate, Cybil and I met tonight as she ran over to ask about mom and express her concern. She is really sweet...said she tried calling the hospital several times (to no avail). She then proceeded to invite me to crochet class at church with the ladies and asked if I like to knit. I tried to gracefully sidestep this conversation as I am, in no way, a "crafty" person :) I prefer to put my creative energy into snapping a timeless picture or rearranging a room. But it was nice to have an invite and I'm glad to have made a new acquaintance in the neighborhood.
To my dismay, through a series of unfortunate events I learned tonight that I do not have a key to the front door of the house, just the side door. This really wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I had put the chain on the side door and cannot get it open without quite a bit of work... so, I am armed and ready for tomorrow morning with a hacksaw, a metal hanger, and wire cutters :) I figured this "incident" is in keeping with my previous post in which I stated that you could call me "Lucy." Never a dull moment.
The reason I was heading out tonight in the first place was to head to my grandparent's house to visit mom. We are all hooked on the Jeanette Oke movies (well okay, except for maybe my grandpa) and are working our way through a 5 or 6 movie marathon. All was well until mom started feeling nauseous, which is where the big yellow bucket comes into play :) No worries, she didn't get sick, but I realized that I am in no shape to have kids, lol. I felt very discompassionate when I had to inform mom that if she got sick I would be leaving the room and she'd be on her own, lol. I would only make things worse as I, myself, would also get sick. As much as I hated her being sick, it was one more reminder why I'm here. I stayed in her room for a long time to make sure she was okay...it might not be much, but hopefully she's comforted to know she's not alone.
To my dismay, through a series of unfortunate events I learned tonight that I do not have a key to the front door of the house, just the side door. This really wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I had put the chain on the side door and cannot get it open without quite a bit of work... so, I am armed and ready for tomorrow morning with a hacksaw, a metal hanger, and wire cutters :) I figured this "incident" is in keeping with my previous post in which I stated that you could call me "Lucy." Never a dull moment.
The reason I was heading out tonight in the first place was to head to my grandparent's house to visit mom. We are all hooked on the Jeanette Oke movies (well okay, except for maybe my grandpa) and are working our way through a 5 or 6 movie marathon. All was well until mom started feeling nauseous, which is where the big yellow bucket comes into play :) No worries, she didn't get sick, but I realized that I am in no shape to have kids, lol. I felt very discompassionate when I had to inform mom that if she got sick I would be leaving the room and she'd be on her own, lol. I would only make things worse as I, myself, would also get sick. As much as I hated her being sick, it was one more reminder why I'm here. I stayed in her room for a long time to make sure she was okay...it might not be much, but hopefully she's comforted to know she's not alone.
April 2, 2009
don't be sad it's over, smile because it happened
That's been the theme of my mind lately. I really miss a lot of things. I'm trying hard to be content where I am, but in a way it's a blessing to have so much I miss because it means I have had a full and happy life so far.
I really miss living in Maryland with my family all located in a 2 hour radius. Even if I were to move back, it would never be the same. Family has relocated and life has moved on. I learned a long time ago that some memories are fondest when left alone and in the past.
I miss being able to go to the lake. Sure, there are other lakes around, but none compares to my favorite lake in PA. I have a special spot where I always go when something is on my mind or I have something to pray about. Recently I went to PA for a very fast weekend trip. I only had time to stop for 10 minutes, but I went to that spot to pray that mom would recover FULLY from cancer. I know God can hear me from anywhere, but that spot has become a cool place for me. It's where I sat when I decided to move to SC, when I decided to become a Christian counselor, etc. Something about sitting in that spot breathes peace into my soul and everything moves at a slower pace. I can enjoy nature and it feels like how life is supposed to be. God made the birds and animals for us to enjoy...I like to sit there and drink it all in.
I miss my small group friends up there. They were loads of fun. I miss driving home after Bible study with the sunroof open and all the windows down while listening to Rascal Flatts. I miss feeling like part of the group.
I miss being familiar with my surroundings. I have always considered myself to be a person born for adventure....and while I still believe that's true, I've also learned I don't like major life changes. I'm more sentimental than I would like to admit and there's something special and comfortable about living somewhere long enough that you know where all the "spots" are and can get there without needing directions.
I miss being in college as a new Christian and having that fresh desire for the Lord in my heart. I struggle with accepting God's grace since being a Christian. I dont know...it seems easier to accept grace when you are a new Christian. When you look at mistakes you made before accepting Christ, I think it's easier to "go easy" on yourself because, well, you did all that stuff before you were a Christian. But after being a Christian, it feels like you should know better and it's so much easier to condemn yourself. It's funny, one reason I want to be a counselor is so I can show people how much God loves them and has a plan for their life and that no matter what they've done, God can forgive them and loves them unconditionally. It's just so much harder to accept that grace as a 9 year old Christian. It seems like the stuff I've done SINCE being a Christian is unexcusable and I should have known better. I am still working on this.
I miss being able to be more spontaneous. It seems like life is "heavy" lately... the thing is, life is short. I'm tired of having to be so responsible. I feel like I've proved my independence and have shown myself that I can handle life. I'm tired of it, though, and wish I could go back to the days of being more carefree.
I miss the feeling like people care. Don't get me wrong, I know people still do, but I've learned that when you are out of sight you are often out of mind. I think it's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. We are all guilty of this. I think I am beginning to really understand why God says "two are better than one." The trick is to find that person who you love so much that being with them is better than all the perks of being single.
I miss being young and carefree. I am still young, I know, but I feel like I have become cynical. I make negative assumptions about people and their intentions, and I no longer have that upbeat positive outlook that I used to have all the time. I wish I knew where it went.
I feel like in many ways I have lost myself. I dont know if it's the stress of life the past several months, but I just dont feel like I am me anymore. I miss my friends. I miss living somewhere that things are open past 6pm (yes, seriously). I miss being able to be social ..... it takes a really long time to meet new people. I miss going to a church that I actually look forward to going to it. I miss having friends randomly stop by my house or be able to host parties if I feel like it. For awhile I have felt like it was bad to admit I miss these things, like it would say to the world that I resent being in NC right now. Truth is, I am glad to be here and to help and I know I won't regret it, but I am still a human and I am not super-human. I am just a girl who wants to live life like anyone else and I hate that life is so upside down right now. I wish I could be one of those super-spiritual "life is always good" type of people, but seriously......who can live up to that? I really miss living on my own and being able to do what I want on a free evening.
I look back on the way life used to be and wish I had appreciated it more. I feel like I am someone who has been through a lot of life trials. People much older than me often tell me that I have been through far more than they have ever been through in their own life. However, until this recent bout with mom's cancer and uprooting life, I really don't think I got this particular type of trial. It makes me want to appreciate things....the little things, even....while they last. 5 months ago I would worry about life's little concerns, and now I look back and wish I had enjoyed my time more and hadn't spent so much time wishing the "good times" away.
Don't get me wrong...life is good. I'm thankful that I have the ability to be here for mom while she goes through this and I will never regret it. It's been nice to live closer to family. Plus, I've always wondered what it would be like to live in a small southern town, and now I know :) I've learned a lot about myself since being here....some good, some bad..but at least now I know who I am and can work on those things that need improving.
Who knows if anyone reads this. I dont know why I care, because I write mostly for myself and for the purpose of clearing my mind. I guess I just like to think that someone out there cares what is running through my mind. I like the Rascal Flatts song, "take me there." It's about a guy who wants to know a girl and everything about her....he wants to see where she grew up, meet her friends, just know everything about her life that made her who she is today. I think we all long for someone like that. Someone who just cares about you and makes you a priority. Someone who will do something with you just because you want to do it, even if they don't like it. Maybe someone God will bless me with someone like that, but for now I am going to try to be content with life as it is. I don't want to look back on this time and have regrets of wishing it away. I hope that God works in my heart and helps me embrace life right now instead of being sad all the time. God has a plan, and I need to just trust in Him for that.
I really miss living in Maryland with my family all located in a 2 hour radius. Even if I were to move back, it would never be the same. Family has relocated and life has moved on. I learned a long time ago that some memories are fondest when left alone and in the past.
I miss being able to go to the lake. Sure, there are other lakes around, but none compares to my favorite lake in PA. I have a special spot where I always go when something is on my mind or I have something to pray about. Recently I went to PA for a very fast weekend trip. I only had time to stop for 10 minutes, but I went to that spot to pray that mom would recover FULLY from cancer. I know God can hear me from anywhere, but that spot has become a cool place for me. It's where I sat when I decided to move to SC, when I decided to become a Christian counselor, etc. Something about sitting in that spot breathes peace into my soul and everything moves at a slower pace. I can enjoy nature and it feels like how life is supposed to be. God made the birds and animals for us to enjoy...I like to sit there and drink it all in.
I miss my small group friends up there. They were loads of fun. I miss driving home after Bible study with the sunroof open and all the windows down while listening to Rascal Flatts. I miss feeling like part of the group.
I miss being familiar with my surroundings. I have always considered myself to be a person born for adventure....and while I still believe that's true, I've also learned I don't like major life changes. I'm more sentimental than I would like to admit and there's something special and comfortable about living somewhere long enough that you know where all the "spots" are and can get there without needing directions.
I miss being in college as a new Christian and having that fresh desire for the Lord in my heart. I struggle with accepting God's grace since being a Christian. I dont know...it seems easier to accept grace when you are a new Christian. When you look at mistakes you made before accepting Christ, I think it's easier to "go easy" on yourself because, well, you did all that stuff before you were a Christian. But after being a Christian, it feels like you should know better and it's so much easier to condemn yourself. It's funny, one reason I want to be a counselor is so I can show people how much God loves them and has a plan for their life and that no matter what they've done, God can forgive them and loves them unconditionally. It's just so much harder to accept that grace as a 9 year old Christian. It seems like the stuff I've done SINCE being a Christian is unexcusable and I should have known better. I am still working on this.
I miss being able to be more spontaneous. It seems like life is "heavy" lately... the thing is, life is short. I'm tired of having to be so responsible. I feel like I've proved my independence and have shown myself that I can handle life. I'm tired of it, though, and wish I could go back to the days of being more carefree.
I miss the feeling like people care. Don't get me wrong, I know people still do, but I've learned that when you are out of sight you are often out of mind. I think it's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. We are all guilty of this. I think I am beginning to really understand why God says "two are better than one." The trick is to find that person who you love so much that being with them is better than all the perks of being single.
I miss being young and carefree. I am still young, I know, but I feel like I have become cynical. I make negative assumptions about people and their intentions, and I no longer have that upbeat positive outlook that I used to have all the time. I wish I knew where it went.
I feel like in many ways I have lost myself. I dont know if it's the stress of life the past several months, but I just dont feel like I am me anymore. I miss my friends. I miss living somewhere that things are open past 6pm (yes, seriously). I miss being able to be social ..... it takes a really long time to meet new people. I miss going to a church that I actually look forward to going to it. I miss having friends randomly stop by my house or be able to host parties if I feel like it. For awhile I have felt like it was bad to admit I miss these things, like it would say to the world that I resent being in NC right now. Truth is, I am glad to be here and to help and I know I won't regret it, but I am still a human and I am not super-human. I am just a girl who wants to live life like anyone else and I hate that life is so upside down right now. I wish I could be one of those super-spiritual "life is always good" type of people, but seriously......who can live up to that? I really miss living on my own and being able to do what I want on a free evening.
I look back on the way life used to be and wish I had appreciated it more. I feel like I am someone who has been through a lot of life trials. People much older than me often tell me that I have been through far more than they have ever been through in their own life. However, until this recent bout with mom's cancer and uprooting life, I really don't think I got this particular type of trial. It makes me want to appreciate things....the little things, even....while they last. 5 months ago I would worry about life's little concerns, and now I look back and wish I had enjoyed my time more and hadn't spent so much time wishing the "good times" away.
Don't get me wrong...life is good. I'm thankful that I have the ability to be here for mom while she goes through this and I will never regret it. It's been nice to live closer to family. Plus, I've always wondered what it would be like to live in a small southern town, and now I know :) I've learned a lot about myself since being here....some good, some bad..but at least now I know who I am and can work on those things that need improving.
Who knows if anyone reads this. I dont know why I care, because I write mostly for myself and for the purpose of clearing my mind. I guess I just like to think that someone out there cares what is running through my mind. I like the Rascal Flatts song, "take me there." It's about a guy who wants to know a girl and everything about her....he wants to see where she grew up, meet her friends, just know everything about her life that made her who she is today. I think we all long for someone like that. Someone who just cares about you and makes you a priority. Someone who will do something with you just because you want to do it, even if they don't like it. Maybe someone God will bless me with someone like that, but for now I am going to try to be content with life as it is. I don't want to look back on this time and have regrets of wishing it away. I hope that God works in my heart and helps me embrace life right now instead of being sad all the time. God has a plan, and I need to just trust in Him for that.
April 1, 2009
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