Random thoughts

Just some random thoughts about God... not necessarily in any order...
I was just sitting here thinking about where God is leading me in my life. It reminds me of Ps. 139:17, 18 - "How precious also are Thy thoughts unto me, O God, how vast is the sum of them. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand." Think about that for a minute. If we could actually count every single piece of sand on the earth, that number would not even come close to the number of thoughts God has for me, individually. And for you, individually, as well as everyone else, individually. This really hit me when I was at Clearwater Beach and saw how fine the sand is down there...I can't imagine even trying to count the sand on that one beach, and to think God thinks about me more than that...... that's a lot of thoughts! It just goes to show that, if He thinks that much about us, He must really love us and have a plan for our life.
I know that God is leading me to go to grad school to study counseling, and as I look back at my life..... I can't even wrap my mind around everything He has done for me to get me to this point. It's so overwhelming and makes me just so excited. I often think, why would God care so much about me to make it all work out like this...... to think that way back when I was a little kid God already knew I'd be heading down this path and He was putting obstacles and things in my life to help me grow. Even the bad things, those things will help me counsel others because I will be able to relate a little better because of the things God has allowed in my own life.
Then that makes me stop and think, How in the world does He keep my life so organized!?! I may not always feel like everything is under control, but to stop and think how He perfectly orchestrated everything, every little detail (even the times I was not where I needed to be with Him) to prepare me. I think.......how does He remember to pay such attention to my life? I can't even keep track of my own life, I forget things or forget appointments, but God has the whole world to keep in check and He never makes a mistake, never forgets something. Never forgets to allow that trial in my life to help me grow...never forgets to send those blessings to remind us of His love.
I remember one night I was standing on the balcony behind Cathcart (The dining hall that backed up to Tampa Bay), and I was looking over at the lights in Tampa and I just started thinking about how many people were in Tampa. That area is so built up, and looking at all the lights that lined the bay I just remember it hitting me, how does God do it? I was up there thinking about how God had worked something out in my life, and it hit me......I get so amazed how He can do that for me, but He not only does that for me, He does that for everybody...... I get overwhelmed enough thinking about how He does it for me, and to think He has enough power to do that for everybody else.........wow. That is amazing. He brings us into each other's lives and sends us on our way, all for His purpose. I dont even know if this is making sense......if I am putting it into the right words. It's almost like you get the "full" feeling, for lack of a better description. Just like you can't handle thinking about it anymore, and you are left with such peace and contentment that you cant even describe it.
....and then I think WHY am I such an idiot!? This past week I have been struggling with even having the desire to serve the Lord. I keep thinking of all the things I want to go do that I know would not be right or pleasing to the Lord, and it's almost like I start to struggle with that "hardness of heart" and think who cares..... who cares about doing what's right and trying to serve the Lord. But when you stop to think of all I have just written.....why would we ever want to do our "own thing"? Isn't it clear God is so much smarter and more wise.... He knows the future! He knows what He has to do to prepare me for the next step in life.....why would I want to walk away from Him and try to do it on my own? What do I know?? And then it's a huge eye opener to realize, this is one of the times Satan would probably want to get me down the most. I'm trying to discern where God wants me to go to school......whether or not I should move or stay here? .......of course Satan would love to get me off track. Do I honestly want to give Satan the victory?!!? Beth Moore, the author of When Godly People Do Ungodly Things (you have GOT to read that book!) explained it like this, and it is a huge motivator/eye opener.
Think of the trials Job went through.....I'm sure it was tough for him to keep on keeping on. But Beth pointed out that Satan asked permission before he was able to test Job like that.....same is true about Peter, who denied Christ, but not after Satan asked God if he could test Peter. It's almost like we're in a game.....God and Satan are the coaches, and I'm on God's team. We should all be on God's team. Satan has challeneged God and said yea, I bet that player wont make the right play......put her under some stress and she'll fail the team. God has faith in us and allows us to be put in the game....to test our strength and to prove Satan wrong. dont you think job would have been so motivated if God had revealed to him while he was in the midst of his trials, that he was i n the middle of a huge warfare between God and Satan and God had "put him in the game" to win one for Christ? It's a priviledge to think God believes in us enough to put us in the game. Why would we want to let him down? I know that there are times we honestly dont want to let him down, but the opponent seems to intimidating that it is IMPOSSIBLE to win the play.... but I have to remember that God won't give me more than I can handle, and if He has called on me to make the play, He knows I can do it. I try so hard to remember, when I feel like giving up, I picture God calling me to the sidelines, giving me a pep talk, asking me why I am losing my drive to make the right play... It's like if we could see what was really going on in the spiritual realm, we'd have a much clearer perspective and it'd be a huge wake up call about getting serious about serving God... I used to wonder why God would allow Satan to test us when He already knows that we will mess up. But think about it.....isn't it true that when we make a mistake, we are so much more aware of that weakness and remember not to do it again? Think of Peter......I was thinking about this. Satan asked permission to sift Peter, and God said yes. I kept thinking......WHY? Why did God give him permission when He knew Peter would make the wrong choice. But look at what Peter learned. Look at what his mistake has taught us. Like when youre in a real game and you make a "stupid mistake" ... you learn from that and move on, more aware than ever that you dont want to let that happen again. Nothing is wasted in God's economy. All I know is, I want to make the play for Christ. Right now I feel pretty weary and I really want God to take me out of the game and put me on the sidelines for awhile.....but how is that going to help me grow.
Have you heard about the man God asked to push against the rock? God told this guy to go outside and push on this huge rock. So the man did, day after day.......this went on for months, but the rock never budged. The man was getting so irritated that God asked him to do something that was reaping no profit......the rock would not budge! Why wasn't God helping him? Why wasn't God moving the rock? Finally one day, the man asked God....... and God told him that He had never asked the man to MOVE the rock, just to PUSH on the rock. Then the man looked down and his arms and legs and saw the muscles that had formed through pushing on the rock.......they did not exist before this seemingly impossible task. I often wonder what rocks God has asked me to push and I gave up... I dont ever want to give up...
I know this has been a lot of thoughts that seem to jump around, but it's been on my heart and mind lately, and I think getting it out helps me clear my head.