A bunch of randomness

I have so many weird feelings going on lately. The one that has surprised me the most is anger...and you can add to that bitterness. I realized tonight that I have a big chip on my shoulder. I'm not really too sure how it got there, but it's there ...that part I'm sure of. I was trying to figure out where it came from - and not to sound all psychoanalytical or anything, but I think it's misplaced frustration. I am in a very VERY frustrating and angering situation right now...I won't bore you with the details, but I have been treated very wrongly and unfairly, and those who know what's going on have deemed it "bullied"... but due to the circumstances there isn't anything I can do about it. I have always been someone to speak my mind, and not being able to is making me frustrated and I dont know what to do with this. When I say speak my mind, I dont mean going around telling people off or anything like that - in fact, I think overall I can be pretty tactful. When I say speak my mind, I mean sitting down with a person and clearing the air. In fact, I can't rest when there's a conflict between me and someone else. I don't welcome conflict, but I don't shy away from it either. I learned a long time ago that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. I am okay with people not agreeing with me, but I like to come to that place where we agree to disagree.
Lately, I have had to daily lay this situation before the Lord....in fact, it seems like it's become an hourly chore. I have prayed that the Lord would help me see myself as a servant. I heard a life philosophy once that I love ... "a leader must think of himself as a servant, so that when he is treated as a servant he will act and react like a servant." How true. Even Christ came as a servant. I keep telling myself that if He turned the other cheek, than I need to do the same. Usually I tell myself that and I quickly get over what's got me riled up. But it's not working this time and I don't know why. Maybe it's because this situation is constantly in my face. Maybe it's because my frustration is valid ... everyone who knows this situation agrees that it's ridiculous and absurd. So, in a way I feel like I have righteous anger. But....then I think of all the times I have needed grace and God has freely given it. Mentally I know I need to grant grace...I could never give more grace than I have received. But the passionate side of me that gets all riled up won't step aside.... I feel like it would feel so good to tell this person exactly how I feel and what I think of them, but I know that afterwards I would regret it and be disappointed in myself. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I've always heard that anger tends to be something men struggle with more than women. I can honestly say that up until this point I have not experienced this type of anger. I have been angry and experienced moments of anger, but not a long drawn-out thing like this. I have come to the conclusion that this is some sort of spiritual exercise in self-discipline and turning the other cheek. I'm not saying turn the other cheek and not hold people accountable, but I do not need to retaliate. It's just so hard to continually be fake nice. I have never been good at actling like something I'm not. If I don't like something and I feel strongly about it, I'm not going to shout it to the world or necessarily even say that I don't like it - but I'm also not going to be sugary sweet and fake nice or happy.
I think that's why I'm so frustrated. My hands are tied and all I really can do is continue to exercise my smile muscle and speak calmly. It's hard, very hard. I have continually been asking the Lord to help me have the right responses and for wisdom in the words I speak. There have been times I have purposefully gone out of my way to be nice to this indivdual and it's so hard when I feel like it keeps getting thrown back into my face.
Wow, I just had a thought. This is why I write when I feel strong emotions - it helps me sort it out. As I wrote that last paragraph I started thinking about all the times God has been kind to me a nd I've continued to turn around and hurt Him. It's not unusual for me to do something, thinking I know this is hurting God but I do it anyway. Yet He continually loves me. Maybe the key to this whole thing is to keep focusing on the cross and what Christ did for me despite what I deserved. I love the feeling of knowing I have been given grace. It's amazing how when you think of Christ's sacrifice and shed blood on the cross, you feel that inward rebuke in your heart where you just feel humbled. God is the One who has a right for righteous anger. Me? I think I need to stand up for what's right and defend those who can't defend themselves, but I don't need to be angry in my heart. Oh Lord please help me!!!!

Sigh, so anyways, lol ... I found an open training position today that I am going to apply for. I feel weird thinking of leaving my company. I've only been there two years but it's been so good to me. I think, though, that if I don't apply for this job I will always wonder. It'd allow me to stay in SC and the pay range is about the same. A great thing about this training job is it isn't tied to sales in any way, so it'd be a lot less stressful than the training job I had at Phoenix. so, yup, I'm going to apply for it and see what happens! If you are reading this, just pray God will give me direction and peace throughout this whole process.