I know a wonderful Christian counselor in Hanover, PA ...in fact, when I was trying to figure out if I really wanted to be a counselor, Ann let me shadow her for a day in her clinic. That day changed my life, and whenever I feel like giving up on school I think about Ann and her wonderful ministry ....and ultimately the life she lives for Christ and it inspires me to keep going.
Every Sunday an email pops up in my account from Ann. It's her weekly devotional and you can sign up for it here: http://www.ccesonline.com/
Anyways, I ended up exploring north Greenville today and fell in love with the area. I'm still not entirely sure where I was, but I do know it was North and/or West of Furman .... regardless, it was the first place I've been since living in SC that I felt like I back home in PA. It was beautiful rolling hills with farms and manicured lawns, with mountains in the distance. It was so beautiful, and I felt like it helped my soul breathe. I love being a place where you can stop and enjoy the outdoors....take an afternoon nap in a hammock under the trees or sit outside at night and see endless stars. While I don't think it's bad to dream, I do think it's dangerous ground when your dreaming makes you discontent - which is exactly what happened to me tonight. I started wishing that my life was different in some ways, and I realized that I was becoming discontent with what God has given me now. Well, God sure is funny because I came home from my 3 hour drive and turned on the computer to check email. The first email was the following devotional from Ann:
Acts 17:24-25The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth . . . He himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. (NIV)I don’t know who wrote the following story, but it holds a great truth for us all . . .“A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.“When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering. ‘You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, it is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems.’“He continued, ‘Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, yet you instinctively went for the best one. Then you began eyeing each other’s cups.“Now consider this: Life is the coffee and jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain life. The type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided for us. You see, God brews the coffee, but He does not supply the cups. Those choices are up to us. Enjoy your coffee!’ “–Author UnknownHeavenly Father, help me to always be mindful of the fact that You have given me life and what I make of it is up to me. Help me to make choices that will lead to fulfilling the purpose you for which you have designed me, but let me never get caught up in things that would detract from enjoying life with You.
©Copyright Ann Shorb, 2008*Scripture taken from The HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
October 12, 2008
October 10, 2008
Today I really feel like I live in SC
Since moving here, today is the first day that it really struck me I live in the South. I was in the small town of Central, SC and came to the THREE WAY STOP in the center of town....yeah, the WHOLE town. So here I am in this cute, small town and I passed the town's baseball field, crossed the railroad tracks, and came to the stop sign. At the sign was this old man with a long white beard in an old, OLD Ford pickup truck. It made me think of the movie sweet home alabama - like it was what I always pictured the south would be like. So then when I got home I went to get my mail and passed my neighbors house, only to hear really loud country music - not the kind of country music they have in MD, but the kind they have in SC. Yes, there is a difference. It sounded like they were having a hoedown over there .... and to top it off, tomorrow I am going to Pickens to the pumpkinfest. Yes, .......yes I do live in the South. It has finally hit me.
October 1, 2008
A bunch of randomness
I have so many weird feelings going on lately. The one that has surprised me the most is anger...and you can add to that bitterness. I realized tonight that I have a big chip on my shoulder. I'm not really too sure how it got there, but it's there ...that part I'm sure of. I was trying to figure out where it came from - and not to sound all psychoanalytical or anything, but I think it's misplaced frustration. I am in a very VERY frustrating and angering situation right now...I won't bore you with the details, but I have been treated very wrongly and unfairly, and those who know what's going on have deemed it "bullied"... but due to the circumstances there isn't anything I can do about it. I have always been someone to speak my mind, and not being able to is making me frustrated and I dont know what to do with this. When I say speak my mind, I dont mean going around telling people off or anything like that - in fact, I think overall I can be pretty tactful. When I say speak my mind, I mean sitting down with a person and clearing the air. In fact, I can't rest when there's a conflict between me and someone else. I don't welcome conflict, but I don't shy away from it either. I learned a long time ago that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. I am okay with people not agreeing with me, but I like to come to that place where we agree to disagree.
Lately, I have had to daily lay this situation before the Lord....in fact, it seems like it's become an hourly chore. I have prayed that the Lord would help me see myself as a servant. I heard a life philosophy once that I love ... "a leader must think of himself as a servant, so that when he is treated as a servant he will act and react like a servant." How true. Even Christ came as a servant. I keep telling myself that if He turned the other cheek, than I need to do the same. Usually I tell myself that and I quickly get over what's got me riled up. But it's not working this time and I don't know why. Maybe it's because this situation is constantly in my face. Maybe it's because my frustration is valid ... everyone who knows this situation agrees that it's ridiculous and absurd. So, in a way I feel like I have righteous anger. But....then I think of all the times I have needed grace and God has freely given it. Mentally I know I need to grant grace...I could never give more grace than I have received. But the passionate side of me that gets all riled up won't step aside.... I feel like it would feel so good to tell this person exactly how I feel and what I think of them, but I know that afterwards I would regret it and be disappointed in myself. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I've always heard that anger tends to be something men struggle with more than women. I can honestly say that up until this point I have not experienced this type of anger. I have been angry and experienced moments of anger, but not a long drawn-out thing like this. I have come to the conclusion that this is some sort of spiritual exercise in self-discipline and turning the other cheek. I'm not saying turn the other cheek and not hold people accountable, but I do not need to retaliate. It's just so hard to continually be fake nice. I have never been good at actling like something I'm not. If I don't like something and I feel strongly about it, I'm not going to shout it to the world or necessarily even say that I don't like it - but I'm also not going to be sugary sweet and fake nice or happy.
I think that's why I'm so frustrated. My hands are tied and all I really can do is continue to exercise my smile muscle and speak calmly. It's hard, very hard. I have continually been asking the Lord to help me have the right responses and for wisdom in the words I speak. There have been times I have purposefully gone out of my way to be nice to this indivdual and it's so hard when I feel like it keeps getting thrown back into my face.
Wow, I just had a thought. This is why I write when I feel strong emotions - it helps me sort it out. As I wrote that last paragraph I started thinking about all the times God has been kind to me a nd I've continued to turn around and hurt Him. It's not unusual for me to do something, thinking I know this is hurting God but I do it anyway. Yet He continually loves me. Maybe the key to this whole thing is to keep focusing on the cross and what Christ did for me despite what I deserved. I love the feeling of knowing I have been given grace. It's amazing how when you think of Christ's sacrifice and shed blood on the cross, you feel that inward rebuke in your heart where you just feel humbled. God is the One who has a right for righteous anger. Me? I think I need to stand up for what's right and defend those who can't defend themselves, but I don't need to be angry in my heart. Oh Lord please help me!!!!
Sigh, so anyways, lol ... I found an open training position today that I am going to apply for. I feel weird thinking of leaving my company. I've only been there two years but it's been so good to me. I think, though, that if I don't apply for this job I will always wonder. It'd allow me to stay in SC and the pay range is about the same. A great thing about this training job is it isn't tied to sales in any way, so it'd be a lot less stressful than the training job I had at Phoenix. so, yup, I'm going to apply for it and see what happens! If you are reading this, just pray God will give me direction and peace throughout this whole process.
Lately, I have had to daily lay this situation before the Lord....in fact, it seems like it's become an hourly chore. I have prayed that the Lord would help me see myself as a servant. I heard a life philosophy once that I love ... "a leader must think of himself as a servant, so that when he is treated as a servant he will act and react like a servant." How true. Even Christ came as a servant. I keep telling myself that if He turned the other cheek, than I need to do the same. Usually I tell myself that and I quickly get over what's got me riled up. But it's not working this time and I don't know why. Maybe it's because this situation is constantly in my face. Maybe it's because my frustration is valid ... everyone who knows this situation agrees that it's ridiculous and absurd. So, in a way I feel like I have righteous anger. But....then I think of all the times I have needed grace and God has freely given it. Mentally I know I need to grant grace...I could never give more grace than I have received. But the passionate side of me that gets all riled up won't step aside.... I feel like it would feel so good to tell this person exactly how I feel and what I think of them, but I know that afterwards I would regret it and be disappointed in myself. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I've always heard that anger tends to be something men struggle with more than women. I can honestly say that up until this point I have not experienced this type of anger. I have been angry and experienced moments of anger, but not a long drawn-out thing like this. I have come to the conclusion that this is some sort of spiritual exercise in self-discipline and turning the other cheek. I'm not saying turn the other cheek and not hold people accountable, but I do not need to retaliate. It's just so hard to continually be fake nice. I have never been good at actling like something I'm not. If I don't like something and I feel strongly about it, I'm not going to shout it to the world or necessarily even say that I don't like it - but I'm also not going to be sugary sweet and fake nice or happy.
I think that's why I'm so frustrated. My hands are tied and all I really can do is continue to exercise my smile muscle and speak calmly. It's hard, very hard. I have continually been asking the Lord to help me have the right responses and for wisdom in the words I speak. There have been times I have purposefully gone out of my way to be nice to this indivdual and it's so hard when I feel like it keeps getting thrown back into my face.
Wow, I just had a thought. This is why I write when I feel strong emotions - it helps me sort it out. As I wrote that last paragraph I started thinking about all the times God has been kind to me a nd I've continued to turn around and hurt Him. It's not unusual for me to do something, thinking I know this is hurting God but I do it anyway. Yet He continually loves me. Maybe the key to this whole thing is to keep focusing on the cross and what Christ did for me despite what I deserved. I love the feeling of knowing I have been given grace. It's amazing how when you think of Christ's sacrifice and shed blood on the cross, you feel that inward rebuke in your heart where you just feel humbled. God is the One who has a right for righteous anger. Me? I think I need to stand up for what's right and defend those who can't defend themselves, but I don't need to be angry in my heart. Oh Lord please help me!!!!
Sigh, so anyways, lol ... I found an open training position today that I am going to apply for. I feel weird thinking of leaving my company. I've only been there two years but it's been so good to me. I think, though, that if I don't apply for this job I will always wonder. It'd allow me to stay in SC and the pay range is about the same. A great thing about this training job is it isn't tied to sales in any way, so it'd be a lot less stressful than the training job I had at Phoenix. so, yup, I'm going to apply for it and see what happens! If you are reading this, just pray God will give me direction and peace throughout this whole process.
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