my cyber soapbox

You're not married? What are you good for?!

2012-02-09T12:20:00.001-05:00

No joke, folks! I've heard that line before. And every time I think about that I get all fired up ......not because I feel bad about myself, embarrassed, or want to go crawl in a hole and stay there until the day I die (or, get married); it's because it is steeped in WRONG THINKING!

Ok let me chill out and get my thoughts together.

Here's the deal. We are put on this earth to glorify and serve Christ, the Ultimate Bridegroom (Bridegroom reference - Ephesians 5:25-28, 32 and Revelation 19:5-9). Psalm 29:2 says it beautifully: "Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.” We are not here to live for marriage. And we are not here to live for the freedom of singleness! We are here to live to serve and glorify Christ, and God knows that sometimes we can serve Him better single, and sometimes we can serve Him better as a team united in marriage. And whenever He deems appropriate, that status can change.

Is God sovereign? I want you to really stop and think about that. Do you really believe that He is? If so, how does that shape your view of marital status, whether your own or that of your friends?

Do you think God can do anything? ANYTHING? Stop and think about it. Do you believe that?

Often, as Christians, we will talk about how God parted the Red Sea (Exodus 13:17-14:31) or closed the mouths of lions (Daniel 6), but when it comes to believing God has our marital status under control (or really any aspect of our lives), we think in our hearts that it's impossible. And I write this in humbleness of mind, not condemnation. I used to be that person. I'd proclaim how big and great God is, but in my heart I held onto the thought that "it won't happen." That thought process, uncovered, is rooted in a lack of faith. I was compartmentalizing God. Go outside and look up. PHENOMENAL! God made that! If He has the power to throw the stars into space and make the earth orbit the sun, can He not manage the details or your life? Stars and suns and planets and fields and oceans and flowers and sunsets do not have souls. And look at them. Look how detailed and intricate and beautiful they are! If God cares about them and they do not have souls, doesn't it make sense that He would care about you, one with an eternal soul? If you struggle to believe it, go read Psalm 139; Romans 8:37-38; Zephaniah 3:17; and my personal favorite: Isaiah 49:16, which says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hand; your walls are ever before me, says the Lord." If you lack faith to believe God loves you, pray for it and ask God to show you in a special way today that He loves you!

Whether you are reading this as a married or single person, know that God has you in that situation for a reason. And He has your friends in their situation for a reason. Don't go around discouraging your married friends acting like their life is "so restricted and boring." And if married, recognize that God has His sovereign hand in your single friend's life and He has got it under control! The worst thing in life is not being single or married. The worst thing would be to live a life wasted for Christ. We only get one chance at this thing, make good use of it!

As a single person, I have the freedom to go give a ride to a single mom without a car that needs to get to work. Or field a phone call from a stressed out teenager at 2am. If I am downtown and strike up a conversation with a stranger and the topic turns to Christ, I can stay there however long I want - I don't have anyone waiting for me to cook dinner and I don't have to rush to daycare to pick up a screaming child. You never know what a day may bring forth, and to know that you can just go with the flow and stop when you see those God moments? It's awesomely great!

And as a married person, your ministry is to your family first, but also those in your circle. You have God moments, too, they just may look different. You might not have the same time freedom to stand on a bustling street corner and talk to a stranger for however long you want, but you get the opportunity to sharpen each other to be more Christ like and unite as a team on mission for the Gospel! You can play off of each other's strengths and weakness and more effectively reach a more diverse group. When I taught high school I can't tell you how many times I wished for a godly husband that could partner with me to help counsel some of the young men through some of their questions and be an example to them. If you have children, you have the fabulous opportunity to have a daily influence on a whole human being! You can help mold their thinking about Christ and prayerfully point them to live on mission for the Gospel. They are God's children, you're just borrowing them for a little bit.

Regardless of what marital status box you check or what parental status you check, realize that our first love is to be Christ. Not marriage, not freedom, not even our kids. When you love Christ first and foremost, it will help you love your friends, your spouse, your children, and those whom God wants you to minister to in the right way. Pray that God will help you see how to serve Him NOW, whatever state you are in, and pray for a content heart. Instead of asking people "Why aren't you married?" or "Man, why ARE you married?" .....start asking each other how God is working in your hearts and lives. Wouldn't that be a little more productive?

So, if you read this far, thank you. Now go out and be nice to people!

Poser Pizza

2012-02-03T15:54:00.004-05:00

Right now I want you to imagine your favorite pizza place (if you don't like pizza, just go along with me here, okay? Okay. :). Think about what the pizza tastes like. What characteristics make you like the pizza above all other pizzas? Do you like to blot the grease off with your napkin first or do you just dive in? Now, imagine that I bring you a pizza in that pizza place's box. But the pizza I'm bringing you in that box is actually frozen pizza I found at the Dollar General, even though I am disguising it in your favorite pizza's box. Would you figure out that I'm substituting the real deal for an impostor? How so? Because you are intimately familiar with the original.

Now, why am I talking about pizza? I assure you it's not just because it's Friday. Or Super Bowl weekend. Although they are both very good reasons to discuss pizza. But the reason I am waxing eloquent on Italian pie today is because I got this question in my inbox about five minutes ago:

"What is it I am supposed TO KNOW about God in order to know Him?"

What you need to do is get familiar with the Original. The Real Deal. Just like with your pizza. You know a fake because you know the original. You know characteristics and traits, and you know when something is "off," even if you can't put your finger on it.

With God, we need to know His character. And we do this by reading the Bible. Romans 10:17, "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of God." As you get to know His character and impostor thoughts come to mind (such as, "God doesn't love me" or "God plays favorites"), you can identify them and fight them with Truth. This is what Jesus did to fight Satan's lies and deception - He quoted Scripture (see Luke 4). But how could He do that without knowing Scripture?

So the point is? Be in the Word. Get to know God. The Bible tells us, "As He (Jesus) sat on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things be, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?” And Jesus answered them, “See that no one leads you astray. For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and they will lead many astray..."

This is serious. Deception is Satan's favorite tactic. That's how he got Eve. Get to know God so you are not lead astray. Don't spend your time studying all the fakes so you can pick them apart. Just study the Truth and you will know.

And also? You may go order your pizza now. I know I made you hungry.

sawn asunder-type faith

2012-02-01T23:37:00.002-05:00

One thing I always struggle with is why God allows certain things to happen. I think we all do. I think of godly people who pass away "too early," people who have cancer, broken homes, fires destroying a church building, etc. ... I know in my own life I look at some of my trials and I think "oh ... God allowed me through that so I can be a better counselor and understand more things...relate to more people" Sometimes that is the only reason I can come up with to "justify" some of what life has dished out. But then I think ... couldn't God just make it so no one had to go through suffering - then I wouldn't have to relate to anyone. Basically, what's the point behind all this hard life stuff?

Anyways, tonight I was reading Hebrews 11, the "faith chapter." I decided to take my Bible and pen and paper and make a list of all the things that were accomplished by faith. Wow....I came up with quite a list. If you have a Bible and look at verse 4 and following, you will find a list of all these amazing accomplishments. I'll list some of them. But first, keep in mind this isn't anywhere near all the things God has done. I often wonder what happened that was never recorded in the Bible? Cool to think about. Please don't rush through the list - think about the impact each event made in our history.

Enoch never died; Noah built the ark and basically saved the human race and all the animals; Abraham went to the Promised Land, then later offered his own son as a sacrifice, believing God would somehow save his son; Sara had kids; Moses feared God more than man; people passed through the Red Sea on DRY LAND (my favorite); Jerhico's walls fell down; people were raised to life; kingdom's were subdued, lions' mouths were closed .... this list seems unending. Wow! God really rewards those who have faith!!! Right ..... ???

But wait...

Then I kept reading. uhmmm.... God?

In the middle of verse 35, the tone changed. Now, those who have faith are tried, mocked, scourged, imprisoned, stoned, "sawn asunder" (anyone know what that means? :) tempted, killed, afflicted, and tormented. That's just to name a few. Doesn't that seem backwards? They had faith - and this is what happens to them? Kind of like what I said earlier - cancer takes a loved one, a family falls apart. How is this a reward for faith?

But wow ... God speaks of those people, the people who endure enormous trial, and say, "Of whom the world was not worthy..." It's like those people are special treasures. It also says that they "obtained a good report through faith." You see, when we can trust God and have faith when He chooses to take home a loved one that we have endlessly prayed for - THAT is faith. It may make no sense to us. It may feel like the opposite of all that is fair, just, and earned through prayer. But the truth is, when you can have faith in those difficult situations - you obtain a good report. You obtain a reward so special that God is going to wait to give it to you so He can give it to you personally in Heaven. God sees so much faith potential in you, and knows the only way to bring it out is trial.

It's wonderful to see faith panned out - when you pray that the Lord would heal your relative's cancer, and He does. But when you pray, and God doesn't heal your relative - it's so easy to get mad and blame God. Wonder why He has helped others but doesn't seem to be helping you. But God is in control. And remembering that even when all seems wrong, that is a special faith. I feel convicted just writing this - it's easy to write about, hard to apply. But with God's help, we can.

I am no expert on trials. I'm no expert on God. He is far too big, far too great, and far too infinitely wise for me to even begin to understand why He does what He does. I can't understand or relate to every circumstance, and I certainly can't reason why He allows certain things to happen. All I know is that He says all things work together for good to those that love Him.

I can say that God taught me tonight that when we have faith when a situation seems senseless and confusing, God sees that. God rewards that. It is the epitome of humbleness on our part - to say that God knows better how to control my life than I do.

When trials come, I find it easy to either run FROM God or run TO God. I fervently pray that I will always run TO God. I think this takes the community of other believers to speak truth into our lives when suffering, as well as staying in the Word. Satan loves to fling lies in our direction. The only way to discern the lies is to be intimately familiar with the Truth. Don't wait for this. Start now, so when those trials come, you are prepared.

Wall Street Tithing

2012-01-26T10:17:00.001-05:00

Recently I saw a show on TV that had all these "testimonials" about how people gave to this particular Christian organization, and then within a year they were richer than ever before. Now don't get me wrong, I definitely think that God blesses givers and He wants us to give our money (and time, for that matter) to promote His Kingdom and the Gospel. HOWEVER this program soley shared stories about how people gave and then became richer, and were encouraging others to give so that they also could get "blessed" financially. They did not address heart issues, nor did they address that God will supply your NEEDS, not necessarily always your WANTS (like being filthy rich). It was as though they presented giving to their organization as an investment. "Give to us and automatically God will fix all of your problems and make you wealthy." I literally felt my cheeks getting hot.

First of all, let's address the heart issue here. Giving to any organization in and of itself is not wrong - in fact, it can be good, depending on the heart's motivation. It's the heart attitude that matters, and God knows our hearts (1 Chron 28 ...for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought...). You see, God gives us the ability to work. Dueteronomy 8:18 - "You shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth..." So really, what I have is because He gave me the power to get it. Giving back to Him shouldn't be a strategic plan so He can do me a favor and make me rich. It should be a humble act of "thank you" for what He's already given me. It's a matter of the heart. If my heart is saying "I want to give God this so He will make me wealthier," the motive is self-focused, not God-focused. The heart needs to say, "Thank you Jesus for giving me the ability to work and earn what I have. Let me give this back to you as a thank you for all you have done for me."

Second, the Bible doesn't say that giving means that you will become rich or things will be easy peasy. Let's expand this beyond just the topic of giving. Let's just generalize and say that doing right = everything going well. Because that's what a lot of people expect should happen. Example: I have a friend that is a new Christian. Recently she shared that she felt like because she was a Christian now, her problems should be getting fixed, and then she referenced some TV show preacher that gave that message - literally, she relayed a list of 10 things she should do, and if she did them, "things will work out great and God will hear your prayers." The thing is (and she understands this now), being a Christian does not equal the absence of problems. GIVING does not equal the absence of problems. 1 Peter 4:12 - "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you...." God often uses trials (sometimes financial) as tools to develop character and make us more like Him. 1 Peter 1:7 says, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

The point is, it's NORMAL to have problems, and they should be expected from time to time. God uses problems to refine us. Much like a parent injects discipline into the lives of their children for their own good, God allows trials to help us grow....for our own good. Maybe He wants you, despite your giving, to have "just enough" so that you don't become reliant on yourself, but still turn to Him to provide for your needs. Or, maybe you will have lots of wealth - there is nothing wrong with wealth, it can be a tool - but to try to manipulate giving to God as a means to get wealthy? ...I don't know about that.

As I watched and my irritation grew, I thought, "Anna, chill out. You are overreacting. This is not a big deal. Giving to Christian organizations is a good thing in many cases!" So I analyzed why I was getting so irritated. And I realized my fear is that people out there in the world will watch these types of shows and start giving to organizations like that (or any other good deed of choice), thinking that it will fix everything. And if their problems continue, they will think that God has fooled them or that "it didn't work," leading to disillusionment and distrust in God. The hope we live for is not in this life. We have hope that God will help us THROUGH this life, but we do not live for the right now. Our true hope rests in Christ and in the future of Heaven.

Hebrews 13:5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

Milkshake Moments

2012-01-17T22:14:00.001-05:00

Walking out to my car, my friend Kevin asked me, "Hey, do you mind if I drink this milkshake in your car?" I jokingly responded, "Well, sure, as long as you don't spill it in the car...." I no sooner said that and he tripped on the curb. The next thing we know his entire milkshake came flying out of his cup and completely coated the passenger side window and part of the windshield, dripping chocolate milkshake onto the parking lot. In this hilarious process (which left us speechless), the milkshake also splashed off the car and back onto him....and all over his tie. Which was borrowed. Without permission from his roommate. Whoops!!! :) We all stood there stunned, and then burst into laughter. I said to Kevin, "Well I did say don't spill it IN the car. I guess you're alright." Haha! I won't forget the look on his face for a long time as he sheepishly went back into the restaurant to ask for a pile of napkins. Haha. Oh, the memories.

So what made me think of this? Something totally unrelated, in a related sorta way. I've been thinking a lot lately about how it's impossible to help another person without the blessing actually splashing back onto yourself. How cool God made it like that. He could have made it that when you help others, you feel sad. Or angry. Or indifferent. But He didn't. He made it so that when we help others, we actually get a blessing from it! Our hearts are often encouraged and we usually feel energized.

Did you know that the Bible actually commands us to help others? Check these out:

Proverbs 22:9 - Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.

John 15:12 - This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

Matthew 25:35-40 'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' "Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You drink? 'And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 'And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?' "And the King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'

....and there's a lot more. Just google "verses about helping others" and you'll get tons.

Makes me stop and think, "Wow, we do what God commands and we, in turn, receive a blessing." Kinda makes you wonder about those other "rules," huh?

The Broken Vessel

2012-01-15T22:53:00.002-05:00

I was a vessel created in the image you designed. You had a plan and a purpose. I was to be a vessel of honor in your home. My function was to grace your mantle, a thing of beauty. You commissioned the artist and gave detailed instructions for my creation. When you first held me, I could see in your eyes that you were pleased. When you took me to your home and gently set me in a place of honor, on the highest shelf, you smiled. I was happy. Occasionally you would take me down and place within me some sweet wine, or wildfowers arranged so beautifully. Always you gently placed me back in my resting place, and smiled.

From my place of honor I could look over the surroundings. I watched as you sat reading and the children played on the rug by the fire. It was a warm and wonderful feeling. Then something stirred in me. I longed for more, to be the book, or the rug, or the chair. I put on my best shine, and caught the eye of one of your little girls. She picked me up. I was so excited. I sensed that her hands were not the strong hands that made me, but I was not afraid. Then it happened. I slipped through her hands, falling to the floor, damaged beyond repair. There were now cracks and a gaping hole where previously there was unmarred beauty. I was in pain, but she didn't notice. She was only worried about getting in trouble for the damage she had caused, so she took me to the basement and hid me on a shelf.

I cried tears, I wondered where you were, why you didn't retrieve me and make it all better? You could have attempted to repair the damage, but instead it seemed as if I was forgotten, alone in the dark. Occasionally one of the servants would bring another damaged piece to the basement, to be fixed "some day." I often wondered if you even knew I was missing, or wondered where I was.

Over time there were other wounds inflicted, occasionally caused by someone placing another object too close too quickly, knocking off more of my beautiful finish, and sometimes even creating new cracks. There were one or two times when I even caused more damage to myself by trying to position myself in a place where I would be more likely to be noticed, only to slip and bump into others.

The wounds were gaping, ugly holes. The cracks were everywhere. I was useless. I often shed tears in the dark. Oh, to see you look at me again and smile, but I knew that if you were to gaze upon my present condition you would turn away in disgust, more than likely discarding me permanently with the rest of the trash.

Then, just as things seemed darkest, I heard footsteps that sounded familiar. I saw you in the room. Part of me wanted to scream, "Master, I'm here. Use me, let me serve you," but the bigger part of me wanted to hide, to be invisible, my ugly wounds kept out of your sight.

But you approached, coming straight to where I was. I saw your daughter behind you, tears streaming down her face. "Daddy, I did not mean to hurt the vessel. It was my carelessness. But I was afraid you'd be angry...I'm sorry." You looked at her with the strangest look....partly anger, partly tenderness....then you looked at me and smiled.

You picked me up and ran your hands over my cracked surface, you traced each of my wounds with your fingers. You turned to your child and said, "The cracks add character and seem to enhance the glazed finish, don't you agree?" "Yes, Daddy. It is still very pretty. But it cannot be used any longer with all the holes and cracks. I'm sorry."

I saw him staring at me. I burned with shame under his gaze. Then he smiled...a beautiful smile, like the first time he ever saw me. He held me close to his chest, tenderly, and took hold of his child's hand, and we walked together to the garden. He placed me at the entrance, on the beautiful marble steps. I was ashamed. Why would he display me in such a manner for all to see? Then he went into the house, and when he came back he was holding a lamp. He placed it inside of me. I felt the warmth of the flame filling me. I saw that he was pleased. He and his daughter looked at each other, then at me, and smiled.

I felt happier than I had in a long time. I did not understand why he would put a lamp inside of me, but after the darkness I had been living in, the warmth of that light felt wonderful. Then I looked around me. There was light everywhere - beautiful patterns of light falling on the ground, some rays of light, some just slivers. There almost seemed to be a design. It was so pretty. I noticed that the people that walked by were more sure-footed because the light was there to show them the way. Then, slowly and magnificently, it dawned on me...all that beautiful light, it was coming from inside of this broken vessel that I had become. The master's light warmed me, and flowed through me, through those previously ugly wounds, and I was able to help others along their journey as the light showed them the way.

Tears flowed again, this time happy tears. My master hadn't forgotten me. He didn't throw me away when he saw my damage. He used me in a diffferent place, but not one of less importance.....simply different. He used me to help guide others I would never have even met had I stayed on display in the mansion.

The wounds do not hurt any longer, though the scars remain. But my Master showed me that even when I was in the dark, even when I felt ugly and useless, he was not finished with me. Daily I will serve my wonderful Master and thank him for my scars and ask him to continue to use me to help others he sends down my path.

Sharon Grammer (that's my mom!!) and L. Carpenter 9/8/99 copyright

my parents don't care

2012-01-14T00:07:00.001-05:00

So often people call Christians "judgmental." Is that not being judgmental? If you meet me and immediately assume I'm judgmental simply because you find out I'm a Christian, you are just that: judgmental.

Also, it seems so many fight against the moral code in the Bible. They turn their heads at the idea of having a "list of rules" to follow. But think about the list of rules. The most common would be the ten commandments. Let's examine just a few from Exodus 20:

6. You shall not murder.
7.You shall not commit adultery.
8.You shall not steal.
9.You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (lie).

Just picking 4 of the more general ones, that even people that are not "Christian" could agree are good moral codes. Why do people buck against this? Doesn't it seem that the world would be a better place if we aren't going around murdering each other? Or staying faithful to your spouse? You know, keeping the vows made on that precious wedding day? Or how about stealing. We'd all agree we don't want our stuff stolen. And certainly it would be great if we could all trust each other to tell the truth. Think of all the problems in the world that would be solved if just these four "rules" were followed.

So often it seems we think (at times, myself included) that God made these rules to squash our fun. But it's not like that. He laid out a moral code that He knew would enrich our lives and protect us if we followed them.

I clearly remember sitting in Mrs. Miller's class in 6th grade. A little group of us was chatting about our parent's rules. As we shared, there was one kid who kept saying "my parents don't care if I do that" ...."oh, my parents don't care if I do that either..." And so it went on. You know? After several "my parents don't care" statements, the poor child started crying and he flatly stated, "My parents don't care."

Oh the wisdom of children. You see, he realized that the lack of boundaries and rules did not mean his parents loved him more. He realized they cared about him less. Quit thinking that God's rules are there as a punishment, as a fun-squasher. He put boundaries in place to protect us and keep us safe.

It's not bad to follow rules. It's not negating grace. Yes, God gives grace. But that's not a license to just go do whatever you want. Obeying Him is a sign that you love and trust Him. Don't be afraid to follow His rules. They are there to protect and love you.

Lion Flies

2012-01-08T16:20:00.002-05:00

Have you ever thought about lions? They are one of the most ferocious animals in the world. Some interesting facts can be found here: http://www.lionlamb.us/lion/lionfact.html. But you don't need to read that to know that they are stately, deadly animals. There is a reverence about them, and when in their presence you know you are seeing something beautiful. But have you ever thought about how even lions have flies? Think about it. They could take down just about any opponent wanted, but the little fly is always around, unable to be conquered. The fly is their little daily annoyance.

Does the lion's identity change because of the fly? No. It's still God's creation. It still can run 30+ mph. It still strikes fear into anyone crossing it's path. Yet at the same time, it deals with daily flies.

Do you allow the daily annoyances in your life to shake your identity? It can be easy to think that because of trials in life that somehow we are less, that maybe God overlooked us or favors others more than us. But that's not true. All of us have lion flies. Don't let them shake who you are. 1 Peter 4

Mayday Workday

2012-01-05T23:46:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just laugh at the way things work out. This week was the Passion conference, which I hadn't heard of until Sunday actually, but I became really interested in it. I tried to listen online as much as I could, but was limited with work and everything else going on. Well, today at 10:45, when the last session was online, our work system went down. This doesn't usually happen. There really wasn't anything I could do....other than listen to Passion :) The Lord is so good how He worked that out. The message was one I desperately needed to hear.

The speaker talked about many things...in fact, I found myself wanting to write down everything he said. But what specifically stuck out to me was when he talked about his ill father, and how he and his family moved, leaving everything behind, to go take care of him. Soon after, his father passed, which left the speaker scratching his head wondering "what now?" I really resonated with this for many different reasons, but the more important thing is what I took away.

I learned that God had used this "bad circumstance" to put them in a place of absolute freedom, with no responsibility, in order to lead them to the next big step, which birthed Passion. God is bigger than our circumstances that don't make sense to us. He is bigger than the things we fear. He can see the big, eternal picture. We CAN trust Him with those things that don't make sense, that seem bad to us.

This reminds me of an analogy I heard years ago that stuck with me. A little girl was sitting on the floor beneath her grandmother's chair, looking up as her grandmother cross-stitched. From the child's perspective, her grandmother had a mess on her hands. She saw the underside of the picture, which revealed nothing but a mess of strings and knots and really, nothing beautiful at all. She said something to her grandmother about this ugly mess, who then pulled her into her lap. Upon seeing the picture from her grandmother's perspective, she could see that it was a beautiful picture of a peaceful deer drinking from a stream. The difference? Perspective.

I thank God that He, in His sovereignty, allowed things to go haywire at work today in order to allow me listen to the last session. And that the message was what I needed to hear. He is so good. If I can trust Him to work out little things like this, why do I worry about the big things in life? If only I would learn.

The Puzzle Master

2012-01-04T18:12:00.002-05:00

God just amazes me sometimes. Psalm 139:17,18 talks about how God thinks more thoughts about us than the sand on the earth. Think about that. That's AMAZING! That tells me two things: He loves me, and He is intimately concerned with the details of my life.

I could write a book of really amazing things that have happened that I know just had to be God doing it. There's no other way. Today I had one of those moments.

I started off the day praying that God would send me some students to have meaningful conversations with. Whenever I've prayed this, He sends me students that I really connect with and they feel more like friends than students. Well, today I decided to call a girl I enrolled in school months ago. There really wasn't a need for us to talk, but she was on my mind. Last I spoke with her she was living with family and struggling to get by, but doing overall alright. Today she picked up the phone sounding different. I quickly learned that she was now homeless and her sweet little boy was living with family, but she was down at the homeless shelter. As I searched for words to say, she told me, "But I'm alright, good actually. I think God allowed all these bad things to happen to point me to Him." What did she just say?? She doesn't know I'm a Christian :) And she's talking to me about God. She proceeds to tell me that through poor choices, she ended up at the shelter, but that God was redeeming the situation and He lead her to a Christian homeless shelter. They have Bible studies daily, and she informs me that she is now a Christian! I wanted to burst at the seams and shout "me too!!!" but at the same time, I wanted to see how far she would go with this, so I kept quiet. She then went on the share the Gospel, and how she had accepted Christ as her Savior. "Now, I don't know much about the Bible, but I am going to work on reading it through this year and I am learning so much! I am so glad God has me here." WOW. At this point I just couldn't keep quiet any longer. What a sweet time of sharing her new relationship with Christ!

But what amazed me, again, was how quickly you could see God working. I noticed this with Allison, too (see previous post). Sometimes we humans put the burden on ourselves to change people. That is God's work. Yes, sometimes He delights in using us, but ultimately He does the work. Both Allison and this lady said almost the same sentence - "I think the reason God is allowing all of this bad in my life is so that I would turn to Him. I'm so thankful." What insight. What proof of the Spirit working in their lives.

Later in the conversation I wanted to share with her a verse I thought paralleled her situation. ALL THAT I KNEW is that it was in Psalms. My Bible happened to be on the coffee table so I picked it up and leafed through, thinking how "dumb" it was to think that I could just magically find this obscure verse in all those hundreds of pages. Wouldn't you know - God is so good - I opened the Bible, turned one page, and saw a star on the bottom left. Next to the star? The verse I wanted to share. GOD IS SO AMAZING! Why do we doubt Him?

The verse? Psalm 40:2,3 - "He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord." After reading the verse to her, she went on and on about how amazing it was and how much that was like her situation. We were able to talk about how right now she feels like she is in the pit, the bog, but God has started to redeem her and make her steps secure. And as a result she will be able to be a light and testimony to others, helping others find Christ. She then told me that on Sunday nights they get to share a verse or a praise, and that was going to be hers for this week.

How cool. I just love when God does things like that. He shows His intimate concern for my life by #1, answering my prayer for a meaningful conversation, but also #2 by helping me find the verse just like that.

I don't know how He keeps everything straight. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself, and He somehow keeps track of me and all the other people in the world, and even figures out how to intertwine our lives like that! I'm always amazed when in a setting that people are giving testimonies and you hear all these intricate details of how He works things out. His wisdom is so much higher than ours! (Isaiah 55:9) He is the ultimate Puzzle Master, piecing all of our lives together into one big grand picture.

I pray that I remember His special care and concern when life seems "not right." It's easy to write things like this when good things happen, or something special happens in the day. But the truth is that God is the same God today as He is going to be on the day of bad news. I want to pray we keep the faith and continue seeing God in the small things!

The Fuel of the Gospel

2012-01-01T21:34:00.005-05:00

I remember hearing, as a new Christian, that everything was about the Gospel. That everything pointed back to the cross. And I remember thinking, "everything?" Yes, everything. People assured me this was true, but didn't really flesh it out. I didn't get it. To me, you had the point of salvation in which you believed the Gospel, and then after that you just tried to live a good life and follow as many rules as you could so as not to upset anyone or get on God's bad side - the Gospel part of the Christian life was over. That's SO NOT IT!

For a long time it's like I compartmentalized it. I felt like God forgave me for the things I did before salvation, but after salvation, He just looked at me with that parent-eye and said "Anna, come on now, you know better" and walked away disgusted. This lead to guilt and shame, and feelings like "Why bother? I will never change." In my mind, the things before salvation were forgiven but the things after were not. Is that not works-based thinking? Doesn't Ephesians 2:8-9 say, "For by grace you have been saved through FAITH. And this is NOT OF YOUR OWN DOING; it is the GIFT of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Our sinning points us back to the cross. Each time I feel guilty, I remember what Jesus did and it makes me love Him more. Psalm 18:16 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." Instead of trying to get it right for the sake of rule following, I want to get it right as an act of love back to Christ.

When humans give up, God keeps going. He holds us in the palm of His hand. He keeps our tears in a bottle! He cares so much about us. "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love..as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him...He knows our frame; He remembers we are dust." Psalm 103:11-14 For awhile, I got tired of trying and I looked at that verse like a license to just not care because, after all, it says He loves me anyway, right? But as I've come to know Jesus, to meet Him and learn about His character (through the Word, church community, etc.), His love makes me want to obey. It's like a marriage relationship. When married, I sure hope you don't sit down and make all these rules like, "Ok, you are not allowed to date other women. Please be kind to me and spend time with me." Hopefully these are just givens. Because of the relationship, you want to conduct yourself a certain way to keep that relationship healthy. That's how it is as I've gotten to really understand Christ and His love for me. Before, I did things because they were the rules. Now I do them because I want a good relationship with the One who rescued me, Who gave His life for me. It's a big difference. Live for that audience of One!

So how does the Gospel still affect me, a Christian now for 12 years? When I get angry at someone for mistreating me, I am reminded of how often I mistreat God with my time and attention. When I don't want to forgive, I remember that God took a step DOWN to forgive me. GOD forgave ME, a human. Should not I, as a human, forgive another human? When I feel like I have to keep up appearances and earn good graces, I remember that there was nothing I could do to earn my salvation. I can't make God love me more or less based off the things I do. He just loves me. When I feel like life is so hard I can't breathe, I remember that Heaven is coming. Even if this life is hard every day for 100 years, that is NOTHING compared to the eternity that will be spent in Heaven - because of the cross.

You see? It really does all go back to the cross.

In summary, I share this quote from my church bulletin: "The Gospel does not simply ignite the Christian life; it's the fuel that keeps it going." Tullian Tchividjian

I miss you, Allison Lott

2011-12-29T23:24:00.008-05:00

I miss you tonight, Allison Lott. It's slowly hitting me that you passed away on Christmas Eve. I keep thinking of the quote, "Before we can fully appreciate the magnitude of anything of great value, ..... He will let us miss what we do not have. He will let us feel the lack, the absence, the loss, or we will not appreciate the gain. It's God's way." (Beth Moore) Except I feel like it's reversed. It's after you're gone that I fully appreciate you. Why is it like that?

I know that you will not read this, I write this for myself. Just like we weep for ourselves, but not for you. You are in a better place. I keep wanting to call you and ask what Heaven is like. It's so cool that you're there. And it's so amazing God used your cancer to lead you there. Do you realize that without your cancer you may not have found Him? I can't believe you went from being an atheist to being in Heaven in just a few months. God is amazing. And what was amazing about you was how quickly you gained wisdom. It was awesome to watch, front and center, how God was working in your life. You would call me with such deep wisdom and insight that many who have been Christians for years do not seem to have. I also miss how you would ask me where that #&^*%$ verse was, or how you would call 1st John "Little John." You had such a genuineness about you, it made me laugh. You were so sincere in your desire to learn, yet still so true to who you were. I love you so much!

I still remember where I was sitting when I got your text that said "I think I started that relationship with God you were talking about." You told me that you think God allowed you to feel alone so that you would turn to Him. Allison, that's amazing. You saw things from the bigger picture of what God was doing - an eternal perspective - something I strive to do but often fail.

I miss you so much. I wish I could call you and hear you say "hello darling Anna" just like old times. But I know I will hear those words again, except you will be in perfect form, hanging out with Jesus. Aren't you so thankful for Him? I wish I could have seen you meet Him face to face. What a sweet reunion. Your death has made me realize even more what a Gentleman He is, what a Hero. He saved us, Allison. He gave His life so we could have eternity with Him in Heaven, being spared eternal separation in Hell. He endured enormous pain and sorrow, the loss of fellowship with his Father so we could be spared. He saw things from an eternal viewpoint. He knew that temporary pain was worth the good that would come from it. I pray for that type of understanding and vision.

Your family misses you, but we are with them - and more, God is with them. God is not finished yet. I've been talking with Dana and she has been reaching out to me. She seems well. Could you hear me when I came to see you in hospice? I hope so. It was so great to meet your friend, the other Dana, and give her a hug. I had no idea she would be there - how special it was to meet her in your hospice room, finally reunited after all those emails about your salvation :) God is so good.

I don't know why He took you on Christmas Eve. For you that was special. For your loved ones, it was hard. But this is when I cling to the fact that God knows best. His widsom is higher than mine, His love is stronger. There are so many things we could wonder "why" about. I don't think it's wrong to ask why, but at the end of the day, we must cling to what we know about God. He is good. He loves us. He acts in our best interest. Give Him a hug for me.

Extravagant Grace

2011-12-23T22:15:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been able to travel to a lot of beautiful places. God's creation is simply amazing. Have you ever just sat and looked at a flower? Look how intricate it is. Or walk outside - right now - and look up. Look at all those stars! It's simply breathtaking. What about the blue haze that settles over the mountains, or the sound of waves crashing against the rocks? God made all of that in just six days with a simple spoken word. John chapter 14 tells us that He's preparing a place for those that have accepted Him as their Savior. He's been working on Heaven for thousands of years...makes you wonder what it must look like, doesn't it?

Makes me think of the song, "Your Love is Extravagant." It really is! He could have made the world gray and we would have never known the difference. Or He could have left us without hope, in our sin, with hell as the only option. He is a true Gentleman, a true Hero. Without His saving grace we'd have no hope and no Heaven to look forward to. Praise Him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcLPYd-CVfI

Each Day is a Gift

2011-12-11T20:37:00.005-05:00

My heart is full this evening. I often write when I have something I'm worked up about or I can't sleep until I "get it out." Tonight, it's not like that. I just want to share how God has been working in me, and to be honest...I don't even know where to start. I just feel like my heart is going to explode with thankfulness and gratitude for where God has brought me and the lessons He's taught me the past few years.

The last three years have been difficult. Mom was diagnosed with cancer Dec 5 2008 for the first time. We didn't know it at the time, but her life expectancy was roughly 2-6 months. Thank God we didn't know that. But I remember that Christmas season being full of heartache and sadness, wondering if it would be the last time I'd be celebrating the Christmas season with her. I was living on autopilot, literally taking one minute at a time. Looking too far ahead was simply unbearable. I look back and laugh because I just remember feeling very extremely ticked off at all the people with Christmas cheer - ha.

Miraculously, she is still here - not even in treatment! I don't know why, and to be honest - we both struggle with that sometimes - not that we aren't happy, because we are! But we struggle with the question why her and not others. I often feel a guilty talking about how she is still alive when communicating with people that I know have lost a loved one. There's a part of me that wants to declare what God has done, and there's another part of my heart that is deeply broken for those that cannot say the same. I don't know why God does what He does. But I know His wisdom is higher than mine, and that He has a reason.

The next year, Christmas Eve 2009, as our family was about to read the Christmas story together - which we do each year - another family member had an eye stroke and we ended up spending Christmas Eve in the ER. Thankfully, she also turned out alright. Then, the day before Thanksgiving 2010, mom was told her cancer had returned. She had major surgery 10 days before Christmas last year. I remember still enjoying the season, but it too was filled with heartache, wondering if it would be our last.

But you know what I have learned? Every Christmas could be our last. That sounds depressing, doesn't it? But in actuality, it's liberating. I used to obsess about when "it" would happen. At what point will I get that dreaded call about someone I love? But the truth is, we all could die at any time. The realization that I have no control actually gave me peace. There is no point in obsessing about it. I've also learned to relish each day. You don't know when you are going to get that phone call that is going to change everything and make things hard. It makes me want to squeeze every good thing out of every single day. Enjoy life. Laugh. Stay up way too late. Dance in the rain. Go for a drive with the windows down and the music up with the wind blowing through you hair. Don't care what other people think. Tell those around you that you love them and hold on to them tightly. Live each day as though it might be your last.

The bigger thing I've learned? I am so thankful for Christ's death on the cross. I've always thought I was thankful for His death and resurrection, and I'm sure to some degree I was. But when you realize that His death and resurrection is really the only hope provider, it means so much more. It's the thing you cling to when you have nothing else. No matter how bad things get or how hard this life is, I know one day it will all be better, when with Him in glory. That hope simply would not exist without Christ's sacrifice of love on the cross. Be amazed by it.

Today in church we studied Philemon, and the main thing I took away was that Paul realized sacrificing temporary things for ETERNAL things was worth it. I was again struck with how God might want to use cancer. I was reminded of how my friend, a formerly self-proclaimed agnostic bordering on athiesm, is now a Christian on her way to Heaven. I think of a man whom mom met as a result of cancer that is also on his way to Heaven now. Do I want my mom to have cancer? No, I certainly don't. But am I thankful for the way God has used her cancer to touch the lives of many? yes. And I'm thankful for the clarity God has given me in my life. This life is not about having fun all the time. I think God wants us to have fun, but that's not our primary purpose. I feel like this experience has zoned me in to the target of my purpose and what is important in life. I realize now that my life, and my mom's life, is for the purpose of giving God glory. I think it pains God to see us go through heartache, but I think his heart sings when we use those painful circumstances to draw close to Him and help others do the same. I'm thankful - SO THANKFUL - God has surrounded me with godly people to help me see things through an eternal perspective lens. Without the community in my life, I really don't know where I'd be.

There's really so much more to say, just about how God brought me south and how I'm thankful for the life I have here, but I will stop here for now. I challenge you to pray that God will help you have an eternal perspective. And get to know Him, His character. When you understand God's character, it helps you see things from His perspective and trust Him when nothing makes sense. The way to do that? Get in the Word. And pray for steadfastness. This life is hard. Pray we won't be tossed about in our faith.

pass the map

2011-12-09T15:15:00.005-05:00

Last night I had one of those really good conversations that makes you think and you walk away feeling challenged, like you learned a new thing but yet need to keep studying to learn more.

Our conversation started off about "why do we keep struggling with the same things over and over" and "why do we have to deal with suffering" and then it kind of morphed into different advice we've received over the years about living the Christian life.

I often feel like advice I get is like a picture on the wall. Like someone has come to me and shown me a picture of a beautiful field and said, "Anna, this is where you need to go." I can see what it looks like, I can picture it in my mind now, and I can even realize how beautiful it will be when I get there. But how do I get there? It's just a picture detached from anything else. No map. No instructions. Just this happy picture of what life should be and "this is where you need to go" but no instruction in how to make it happen.

And of course, the Bible is the best instruction book. So we went there. Trying to find things that combat the Christian pat answer. Thing is, pat answers are often true - that's why they get repeated so often. But THEY AREN'T ENOUGH. They're the introductory sentence to what should be an explanation. Flesh it out. Show us where to start and how to make it happen. What does that look like in my daily life?

That brought us to 2 Peter chapter 1, and also John 6. I encourage you to read those passages, but I will show you the verse that stuck out here:

28Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" 29Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." ~John 6

That's it? I just have to believe to be doing the works of God? I thought the Bible was supposed to say, "to be doing the works of God you have to read these 5 books and do this list of 10 good deeds." Ok, maybe I'm being a little cynical. But seriously, isn't that what we often hear? If reading books solved our problems, why do I know so many people that have tried to change by reading self-help books and yet they keep feeling like they're beating their head against the wall to do so? Don't get me wrong - reading the right kind of books is good. Doing good deeds is good. But I think this verse points to the heart of motivation - the first step in that so-called map. DO YOU BELIEVE? You see, I think when you believe - when you TRULY see God for who He REALLY is - all those other things start to fall into place. The changing starts happening. The right actions follow. Do I really believe His grace is enough to cover my sin? Do I really believe He loves me? Do I really believe He is sovereign in my life?

When trying to combat fear, I think the first step in the map is to believe God is good and has my best interests at heart.

To combat guilt, my first step is to believe that Jesus did enough! He really did! He took my sin on Himself. Not just so I could have fire insurance from hell. But so I could live life and live it abundantly.

To combat the feeling of, "I will never change," the first step is to believe that, if a Christian, we have full access to His power.

Bottom line? I need to be in the WORD. LEARNING who God is so I can then BELIEVE in what He says is true. Not just head knowledge. Heart knowledge - the kind the reaches deep into your soul and changes you.

yes, now you CAN step off that soapbox

2011-12-08T02:01:00.004-05:00

You know how people get passionate about something, and then they say..."ok, stepping off my soapbox now." Well you know what. I'm going to build one. I want a place where there are no disclaimers, no filters.

I'm making it on Saturday. I can't wait.

Character Shhhhmaracter

2011-11-30T18:16:00.011-05:00

There are definitely days I get tired of having to act Christian-like. TODAY IS ONE OF THEM! This also reminds me of when I was dealing with a tough situation a few months ago, and a well-meaning friend said to me, "maybe God is just trying to help you build some more character." Well you know what! Sometimes I don't want more character! It's okay. Don't freak out. I am writing this with a somewhat smirky smile on my face. Yes, I guess I do want character. But sometimes, it's really annoying to have a conscience!

In short, I just got off the phone with a highly RUDE fellow that sold me something that was very expensive that isn't at all what it was supposed to be. We've been going back and forth on the phone for weeks. First to say, "hey, I dont think this is working right." Second to say, "no it's definitely not working right so how can we fix it." Third to say, "you told me a week and a half ago you'd fix it and it's still not and yet you still have my large amount of money!" After an exchange of words in which he was super flippant, he hung up on me. EXCUSE ME! My natural instinct was to pick up the phone and give him a few choice words. My next idea was to go on the website he advertises on and make a bad comment on every single item, informing people if they purchased from him they would surely regret it! I also considered sending him a text just to have THE LAST WORD. And having to restrain all of those ideas is downright annoying. So why am I doing it?

#1. I've learned - the hard way - that what you want to do in the heat of the moment is often going to turn into a regret later.

#2. Who knows. Maybe he has children and no money to buy them presents for Christmas or maybe one is sick, so he doesn't want to give me my money back. It doesn't make it right, but you just never know. My money is God's anyway, and He is ultimately in control of this situation where I'm not getting it back. Maybe He needs it used elsewhere.

#3. Because God is in control, I recognize He really might have a reason for this. And when I say I "recognize," right now it's more in that whiny teenage voice of "yessssssssss, Dad, I know you're right...." (as I sulk off to my room :P)

#4. I recognize that my motivation right now is pride-fueled. I know that if I call him back, text him, or make a mean post on everything he advertises, I still will not get my money back. So the only reason for doing any of those things is simply to let him know that I had the last word. To let him know that my silence or lack of a call-back isn't because I can't stand up for myself. Because I can. SO THERE. What is that going to accomplish?

#5. And this is the part that really motivates me and annoys me at the same time! As I sit here so annoyed thinking "how rude" that guy was, I am reminded of how I often treat God in the same manner. No, I might not hang up on Him. And I don't sell Him things that don't work. But I treat Him with little regard. And isn't that my core issue? I feel as though I've been treated with little regard and I don't like it. That's the bottom line. So, if God extends grace to me, should't I extend grace to this guy? Do I want to, no. But should I? yes. I don't want to act in such a way in the heat of the moment that if I ran into him as a visitor in my church 1 month from now, I'd be ashamed. Might I still try to do something to make this situation right? Yes, if God shows me a way I can and not be a jerk about it. But will I try to "fix" it right now when I'm flaming mad? no.

Alright, off to Bible study. No, really. lol

No Cupid Arrows Please

2011-11-28T20:20:00.007-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why God didn't just make it so we didn't have to sin. I mean, couldn't He have just "programmed" Adam and Eve to not sin? Seems like that would have been easier. And other times I wonder why He doesn't just take the sinful desires away. I know He COULD take them away - "Lord, please help me not to (whatever sin here) anymore. Just take the desire away." Why doesn't He?

I think it's a lot like any relationship. I don't want a cupid arrow relationship. When in love, I want to know that he chooses me, and I want to choose him. I don't want some victim of the cupid arrow showing up that is specially programmed to love me and he can't help it. I want him to choose. I don't want a zombie without emotions or choices. How boring. I want a human that sometimes has to struggle to love but does it anyway. Dare I say, I want them to sacrifice! I think that's what makes the sacrifice of Christ so compelling. He didn't HAVE to die on the cross. He didn't HAVE to have nails driven into His hands and His feet. He did it because HE LOVED ME. He wanted to spend eternity with me in Heaven. Does that not show love?? Doesn't that move you???

Seeing that we are formed in the image of God, I have to wonder if He feels the same. Yes, He COULD have made Adam and Eve choiceless. They could have been programmed to not sin. But what would that relationship look like? I think it would be dead and boring. I think when hard choices have to be made to show love, the more significant. When someone makes a big sacrifice, it touches the heart in a special way. I think when God sees our heart and knows how much we WANT to sin, but yet we don't because we want to show love to Him and honor Him, I think He sees how much we love Him! The bigger the sacrifice, the bigger the demonstration of love.

Slapdash Ruminations. Look it up.

2011-11-24T03:21:00.006-05:00

I'm in my "it's 3am and my mind is going a million miles a minute and can't sleep, need to write a blog" mood.

Usually I have a purpose when I write, a specific thing I want to say. Tonight I have no idea what's going to spill out over the next few paragraphs. I just know my heart and mind is full and I need to get it out.

#1. I feel God is moving in my heart about ministry. I used to work in full-time ministry and I miss it desperately. Not because it's glamorous - oh no...trust me, it's not! And not because it makes a lot of money...again trust me, it does not! But because it has eternal value. I dont know what this heart stirring means in my life. I think anywhere you are can be a ministry. Your job can be a ministry depending on how you use it. Of course, being in full time ministry is a ministry, too. I don't know how God is leading me. Lately my prayer has been, "Lord, you know my heart. Lead me." I have a passion for teaching children Bible stories, counseling souls that feel so far gone that they think God can't use them, working with teens, and the list goes on. I don't think these are normal passions. I think they are God-given desires, put there by Him. I pray that He will show me what He wants me to do with them.

#2. Foreign missions is important, but it starts at home. I just had a chat on Monday night with a dear friend that just got back from Liberia. We were discussing the importance of mission work, but we were also discussing how often we think that "over there in " we will be effective for Christ. We will do great big things on that "mission trip." Your LIFE is a mission trip. If we don't serve here, why do we think we will serve there? God put you where you are for a reason. It wasn't so you could neglect the people around you but love those thousands of miles away. I think He wants BOTH. One thing my friend said to me that I keep thinking about (definitely paraphrased here) - but she said we often think that once overseas it will somehow be more exciting, more grandiose, etc. That might be true for awhile. But eventually that life will get normal, just like living in here is normal. Sooner or later, it will become mundane. What are you doing in the mundane now? Remember your purpose. We are here to bring God glory. Keep an eternal perspective!

#3. How people respond to little things in life is an indicator of how they will respond to big things in life. Those little things are important. I think of my friend that got news her unborn child may miscarry or be born with disabilities. Both she and her husband were steadfast. They didn't run when things got hard. They didn't turn their back on God. They were still who they always were. They certainly experienced the human emotions of fear and uncertainty, but they were steadfast in the Lord, just like they were in the little things before this big thing happened. The clinging might have been tighter, but they were the same. The little things DO matter. Pay attention. Not only to YOUR responses, but to the responses of the one you are considering marrying. The little is too big to ignore.

#4. Life is short. Enjoy it. Use it. Try to see the good in each day. As a cancer survivor, my mom has often had times she just wants one more day. Then I think about my one more day. How did I spend that day? Did I use it for eternal purposes? Did I sit around complaining? Did I ignore relationships because it was inconvenient that day? Time has value. Use it.

#5. My heart hurts realizing the confusion around why we need to "bother" living life for Christ. It seems many believe the purpose of doing right is to avoid getting slammed, getting caught. Or it's about what people think. "If they do it, it must be alright." Or, "what will people think," instead of, "what will God think?" Should people be our standard? How about paying attention to the One who CREATED the people?I used to think that way - "I dont want to get in trouble. What will people think?" But as God has graciously helped me see Him, who He REALLY is, it makes me WANT to live life for Him. It's motivation born out of love, not fear. I sincerely believe that when people grasp the truth of who God is - His love, grace, mercy, sacrifical death on the cross (and His resurrection!) - we won't be able to do anything BUT change!
About five years ago I had the opportunity to counsel a girl who was cutting herself and really did not know God. She had not grown up in a Christian home and I honestly don't know if she'd ever heard the Gospel. Through awesome God-ordained circumstances, I was able to counsel her. Over the course of our lengthy conversation, I was able to share what Christ did on the cross. Her countenance changed. She LOOKED different ....I saw a peace in her eyes that I hadn't seen before. She believed! She accepted Christ. How thankful I am that God allowed me to see that first-hand. But as we drove away - we had not discussed the cutting - but she said, "you know Anna, I probably shouldn't cut and I think I need to cancel my date with my boyfriend this weekend. I dont think I should be going with him to that concert." I was amazed. I hadn't even addressed any of the things I was asked to co unsel her about. BUT SHE MET CHRIST. She saw Him for who He was! She LOVED Him for His sacrifice. The result? A lifestyle change. It's about a relationship, people! Not a list of rules or good deeds! Get the relationship right, the actions will follow.

That's all for now. It's not really, but it's 4am and my contacts feel like sandpaper in my eyes and I need to go to bed. God is good. He is big and powerful and loves us more than we deserve. He is the perfect gentleman. He is a rescuer. Get to know Him.

quit yo complainin'

2011-10-11T22:50:00.022-04:00

I'm having a soapbox moment. A moment where I want to scream and say what's on my mind, but fear how it will be received - this is not a condemnation or a judgment, although it may sound like one. It's more of a wake up call to reality in an attempt to see the big, eternal picture of life. So please just hear my heart.

QUIT YO CONSISTENTLY CONSISTENT COMPLAININ'

For many years I prayed God would lead me South to friends and family. He did. When I first moved to Greenville, I had a nice 2 bedroom apartment, a good job, friends, and a great church. And what did I do? I found little things to complain about. I'm single. I don't know enough people yet. I wish I had grass instead of cement as my yard. That guy at work is just driving me NUTS! My boss doesn't have my back. I can't run my dishwasher at night because it will disturb my downstairs neighbors. Wah wah wah.

Then mom got cancer.

I moved to a suburb of Charlotte where I didn't know anyone. I had no friends. I found no churches with people my age. I worked from home. Bottom line? NO COMMUNITY. No regular interaction - not even the crazy work guy. On top of all that, I was coping with the fact that my mom had stage 4 cancer and might not make it (by the way, she did :). We talked about her funeral and where she wanted to be buried. We cried thinking about the future life events she might not be present for. I seriously wanted to die. Life seemed so completely hopeless. I felt forgotten. I felt like a blob just existing, surviving through life. I would see pictures of friends on facebook having lots of fun and it made me angry. "Why is this my life right now? What do you have for me, Lord? Why do You have to make everything so hard? You must love those other people more because look at what their life is like ("fun"), and look at mine. I'm 20-something. This is not supposed to be happening. I should be in the happy pictures on facebook with friends, not here, not watching my mom die. This isn't supposed to be."

And while there are many wrong thought patterns above that I will address in a minute, let me say, I remember sitting in that tiny Charlotte suburb thinking, "ANNA, YOU ARE SO DUMB!!!!!!!! WHY DIDNT YOU JUST ENJOY LIFE WHEN IT WAS EASY!!!! WHAT A WASTE OF GOOD TIMES!!!!" Suddenly being single or the rude guy at work was the least of my "problems." Why didn't I just enjoy the fact I had a great job? Why didn't I take my alone time as an opportunity to invite people over and get to know them? It was like I had to find something to be unhappy about, even in the blessings. You know what, if I am alive today, IT IS A GOOD DAY!!!!! So what if it's raining? Go dance in it. And if I'm single? Enjoy spontaneity. If you don't have anyone to do something with tonight? Go minister to someone that needs a friend or go read a book at Barnes and Noble. Cement, not grass? At least you don't have to mow!

I'm not saying people need to act fake happy. We want to be genuine. There really are times of genuine sadness and hurt, and let's be honest about those times. That's what many of the Psalms are about. But what I'm saying is we need a reality check. I'm addressing the consistency of complaining. If the thing you are consistently complaining about is something that won't matter in 5 years, can you try to let it go? Pray for a mindset change, an eternal viewpoint change. Realize that this right now - the day you are complaining about - just might be the "good days" looking back when you're in the "hard days" of the future. And, more importantly, what might God be trying to show you and do through you?

My wrong thinking in paragraph three? Bottom line - I was living life with a misunderstood purpose. I thought my purpose as a 26 year old was to have fun, to be with friends and go camping all the time. What changed me? When I realized my purpose is to GIVE GOD GLORY. So if that means my mom has cancer and because of that, we are able to lead people to Christ, it will be worth it in Heaven. It's not easy and I sure wish she didn't have cancer; but in the eternal perspective, IT IS WORTH IT! It will open doors of opportunity to share Christ. Just this past week my friend, who used to be an atheist, is now a Christian and will have ETERNITY in Heaven as a DIRECT RESULT of my mom's TEMPORARY cancer story! "Life is just a picture, see outside the frame!" What is the bigger picture of what God might be doing?

It's not what God is doing TO you, it's what is He doing IN you. Pray for an eternal perspective!

small preposition, big difference

2011-09-25T23:35:00.004-04:00

God has really been working on me lately. It is not fun, but so worth it. Worth it because HE is worth it. Why care about sin? Why bother trying to do right? Because He died on the cross for me......bore my shame and sin upon His sinless back. He rose again, not just so I could have the grace-given opportunity to go to Heaven, but also so I could have victory over sin in my life NOW.

Lately it has come to my attention I have been living in survival mode. Life has been ROUGH the last few years. Sometimes I think, "if I can just make it to Heaven, all will be good....survive the next 50 years and then finally you can have a break." While it's true life will always have its burdens, the fact is that God wants me to have joy NOW. He doesn't want me in survival mode. He wants me to seek after what He's doing in me, not to me. Small preposition. Big difference.

I've also realized I've become a critic. It's so easy to find fault in other people and things. It thought this critical spirit came about as a "whole new sin." Something unrelated to everything else. Tonight God showed my heart that this critical spirit is really born out of a heart trying to make me feel better about myself. If I can find fault in others, it becomes easier to justify my own sin or think "I'm not that bad." Criticism is not just about being critical. There's a deeper root - a root of guilt and pride.

Lastly, I'm coming to realize more and more that I simply to not grasp God's grace. Sometimes we sin and there are things we need to do to make it right. This starts with asking God for forgiveness, and is frequenly followed by then going to the person you sinned against and asking their forgiveness. I find that the combo of the two - asking God for forgiveness and asking the person for forgiveness - makes me feels o much better, like I've made things right. But when the sin is in the way I think or something that wasnt a direct offense against someone, I am left feeling like I didn't "do" enough to fix it. I hope this makes sense as I, myself, am having a hard time putting this into words. What I'm trying to say is this: sometimes I prefer having something practical I can do to fix the situation because it makes me feel better, like I earned the forgiveness. An example could be returning a stolen item to a store. The action combined with asking for God's forgiveness could make me feel like I "paid my dues" and made it right. But when the sin is a thought and no one else knows except you and God, it almost feels harder to accept his grace and forgiveness. There isn't something I can DO to make it right. I can't return the thought or do anything physical or practical to fix it. I just ask for forgiveness and then accept it. That's it. Nothing added, nothing taken away. It's so simple it seems hard. We live in society where we like things to be even. Grace is not even. It's totally lopsided with the balances on God's side. It amazes me that it's as simple as asking for forgiveness. Thank you, God, for your grace!!!!!

Just One Part

2011-09-12T20:51:00.003-04:00

When I see the stars and everything God made, it makes everything else seem so small and insignificant. Did you know that our sun is a dwarf star? A DWARF. That means that the big, flaming hot ball of fire that is ninety three million miles away -- yet still heats our earth and gives a bad sunburn if not careful -- that sun is one of the smallest stars in the universe. Think about that. And not only that, the sun is just one of an estimated 300 billion stars in the Milky Way, which is just one of countless galaxies in the universe. Really stop and think about that. How big God is. He made that. Psalm 33:6 - "By the word of the LORD the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth." It was nothing to Him. He just spoke....and there it was. It took no back-breaking effort on His part. He spoke, and it happened.

For this reason, as I look at the stars, it washes peace over me. If God made that, why do I think He cannot take care of me and my problems? It makes it seem so silly to think that I worry and fret about every day things, when I serve a God that is so obviously full of great power. It gives perspective. Perspective changes everything.

And what is described above is just one small fraction of His creation. Why do we doubt?

in a pit with a lion on a snowy day (mark batterson)

2011-02-07T00:15:00.002-05:00

You have GOT to go read this book - it is life changing-ly good! I can't begin to tell you the ways it has challenged my thinking and my perspective as it relates to trials. Instead, I will share with you some of the inspirational truths I have learned:

Prayers are often aimed at problem reduction - our prayers are totally misdirected. We pray for comfort instead of character. We pray for an easy way out instead of the strength to make it through. We pray for no pain, when the result would be no gain. We should stop asking God to get us out of difficult circumstances and start asking Him what He wants us to get out of those difficult circumstances. Quit praying safe prayers.

If you have accepted Christ as your Savior, refocus on the fact that you have an eternity with God in a place with no mourning, sorrow, or pain.

Worship is about forgetting what's wrong with you and focusing on what's right with God. One of the purest forms of worship is praising God, even when you don't feel like it, because it proves your worship isn't circumstantial.

The circumstances you complain about become the chains that imprison you. And worship is the way out. Worship reframes our problems and refocuses our lives. It helps us get through the bad days by reminding us how good God is.

I LOVE THIS PART: We dream of zero gravity. We imagine what life would be like without any problems or issues or challenges. But from a biological perspective, zero gravity is hazardous to your health. Astronauts who spend any length of time in zero gravity experience serious medical complications. Without any resistance, they lose muscle mass and they can barley walk after reentering the earth's atmosphere. We may dream of zero gravity, but what we really need is a healthy dose of adversity.

In the world of strength training, it is called the principle of supercompensation. When an athlete is pushed beyond the threshold of pain and exhaustion, the body overcompensates. The more a muscle is broken down, the more it builds back up. The same is true of our bones. The 206 bones in the body are constantly going through a process of remodeling. They are being broken down by osteoclasts and built back up by osteoblasts. The process of remodeling is intensified when a bone is broken. Extra osteoblasts help rebuild the bone. There is a period of weakness where the bone is more vulnerable to re-injury. That is why we wear casts. But eventually the bone ends up stronger than it was to begin with because the body overcompensates. Very rarely does a bone break in the same place twice because the bone is thicker and stronger than it was before the break.
Almost like a broken bone that needs to be reset, God breaks us where we need to be broken. He fractures pride and lust and anger in our lives, but He does it to remodel us into His image. And once we heal, we end up stronger than we were to begin with.
...Where have you been broken? What adverse circumstances are you facing? Do you have any overwhelming problems?
Maybe God is remodeling you. Maybe God is increasing your capacity via adversity. Maybe the problem you never thought you could overcome will turn into an opporunity.

Adversity can produce an increased capacity to serve God. I you don't turn your adversity into a ministry, then your pain remains your pain. But if you allow God to translate your adversity into a ministry, then your pain becomes someone else's gain.
I have a theory: The more problems you have, the more potential you have to help people.
One of the most paralyzing mistakes we make is thinking that our problems somehow disqualify us from being used by God. Let me just say it like it is: If you don't have any problems, you don't have any potential. Here's why. Your ability to help others heal is limited to where you've been wounded:
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ~ Corinithians 1:4
No one rolls out the red carpet and invites tragedy into their life, but our greatest gifts and passions are often the byproduct of our worst tragedies and failures. Trials have a way of helping us rediscover our purpose in life.

.....and all of that amazingness was just portions of chapter three!

My Rainbow of Grace

2011-01-09T00:05:00.002-05:00

TRUST ME," He quietly whispers, "what you construe to be a never ending storm is only a shower without which I could not fashion a rainbow of grace. Beyond those showers, the sun is shining...with a brightness beyond your comprehension." Oh, my child," He concludes, "if only you could see it from the grandeur of MY perspective." (The Grandeur of God's Perspective, Russell Kelfer)

**I think it's important to purposefully seek out the blessings of God when you are in the middle of a storm. It's very easy to look at all the things going "wrong" that you forget that God is in control and overlook the things that are going right. This past Monday mom started chemo again, but since she is on the same chemo drugs as last time, the docs are afraid that at any time she could have an allergic reaction (could cause throat closing up, or other more mild symptoms...needless to say, could be serious). Because of this, they informed us Monday morning that someone must sit with her the entire day of chemo, which runs 8-5ish. I ended up taking a sick day this past week to sit with her, but was worried about what we would do for the following chemos. She will be getting at least 3 rounds of chemo, possibly up to 9. If only three, her last chemo will be mid-February. Anyways, I was trying to figure out how to sit with her without having to take all this time off work. The following day at work our director mentioned that they want to do a "trial period" to see if it would benefit us to have our campus open Saturdays 9-5. This trial period will run from next week - the last week of February (after what may be mom's third and last round of chemo - pray it is!!). He said that if we volunteer to work on a Saturday, we can take any day of the same week off .......PERFECT! I hadn't even prayed about working this out, but God already provided an answer. I've worked at UOP for 4 years and this is the only time they've offered this type of schedule to us.... so, now I can sit with mom all day on chemo days and not use up all my vaca time or worry about missing too much time at the office. What a rainbow of grace in the midst of this storm!

Also, I have NEVER gone to Charlotte after work for just 1 evening. However, back in December we were having a benefit concert for Fighting Cancer, Inc. and I drove up after work to go - I didnt get up there until 8pm and was going to get up super early to drive the 2 hours back the next morning for work. Well, a few days prior mom had a cancer test, for which they injected nuclear stuff into her body. As we were at the concert I noticed mom seemed "not herself" .... we ended up going home after the concert but mom started having severe muscle seizures and other weird symptoms. To make a long story short, the nuclear stuff they put in her veins was having serious side effects on the rest of her body and we had to rush to the ER....and it happened on the only night I have gone to Charlotte on a weeknight ....another situation God was in the details. The doc told her later she was lucky because her kidneys had actually stopped working briefly that night. What would have happened if God had not planned for me to be there that night? While mom is going through cancer treatments, I sometimes worry about living 2 hours away.....but then I think about how God has worked this stuff out for us in the past and it gives me peace that He will continue to put me there when needed most.

something to think about in this ridiculously cold weather!

2010-12-13T15:14:00.002-05:00

Freezing required....

I was listening to a weather report today and they were talking about our unusually warm weather ... they mentioned a concern for certain flowers common to the area - unless they freeze in the winter, they won't flourish in the summer.

It's funny how God made nature so reflective of our lives. Have you ever noticed how in order to grow, we have to go through the frozen times? Those challenging and "frozen" times are what's going to help us grow into better people. Sometimes God has to allow us to go through dark trials to help us flourish. If life was easy, we'd likely depend on ourselves and not Him. We all need to be "frozen" every now and then. Don't think of only the "warm" times as blessing....the frozen times are necessary and a blessing because they cause us to cuddle up to Christ.

*repost from 1/4/07 with some edits :)

showers with a rainbow of grace

2010-12-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

Bob was not at all unskilled in the art of mountain climbing. He had seemingly spent a lifetime scaling the heights of towering peaks, the ground often appearing to be vanishing from beneath his feet. But today, Bob seemed to have met his Waterloo. As he trudged along the narrow path that seemed to be leading him just where he wanted to go, suddenly he was confronted with what appeared to be insurmountable odds. Before him stood the most awesome looking boulder, he had ever seen. It was too slick to climb, too big to move, too imposing to even compare with any thing he had seen before. To his right was a sea of brush, an area that simply HAD to be infested with poisonous snakes, and sinister snares. To his left was a precipice that dropped off like an arrow to what Bob knew was a raging sea, a sea he felt no man could survive. From where Bob was, there was no way out. After years of walking through the wilds of uncharted territory, he was at a place that, at least from his perspective, left him no alternative but to either turn back or perish.

Suddenly, Bob heard a noise overhead. It was the roar of a small, two-engine airplane circling in the sky above him . As he looked on, stunned, the plane swooped down to just above the canyon where Bob stood paralyzed with fear, and from the plane there dropped a tiny package. With incredible accuracy, it landed JUST at Bob's feet. In utter amazement, he picked it up, opened it up, and began to marvel at its contents. It contained a letter and a map...that's all. But that's all Bob needed. The letter said this: Dear Friend, As I circle overhead, I can see that you are about to give up. It looks to you as though there is no way up and no way out. You feel trapped, with no placed to turn. I understand. You see, I have been there. I, too, walked where you walk, and I too, experienced the feelings you are experiencing now. I have dropped this letter and this map to encourage you. There IS a way of escape. What I can see from MY vantage point you cannot see from yours. To you, that boulder is immovable and unscalable. From down there it would appear that way. But flying overhead, it becomes apparent that just to your right, at the edge, what appears to be a massive crack in that rock, is, in effect, a passage-way. You see, someone has been there before you, and made the way for you. I know, too, that the scorching sun, and the bugs and the thirst must be tempting you, to turn back. You must wonder what is beyond, but more of the same? FROM YOUR VANTAGE POINT, THAT APPEARS TO BE TRUE. From up here, however, you see the most amazing view. Just beyond that traumatic obstacle that lies before you is the peak of the mountain. My friend, the view from there is incredible. Having experienced the hopelessness of that boulder, the expanse you will see will be even more beautiful. As you fly BEYOND the peak, you see below a valley so luscious, so beautiful, so inviting, words cannot express it, even a picture cannot do it justice. Beautiful rivers glisten like flowing diamonds through the center of it. And it appears that someone has gone ahead of you. He is doing something. Now I see it...he is building a place...maybe a place for you. I am enclosing a sketch of what lies beyond so you won't give up and turn back. I realize, that to you the future looks impossible. From up here, however, it looks incredible. The difference? PERSPECTIVE. You are down there surrounded by obstacles, and wherever you look there's a roadblock. But, oh, my friend, FROM UP HERE, looking down, that obstacle is but a mirage, beckoning you to turn back and miss what awaits you just up ahead. Trust me, my friend, from MY PERSPECTIVE you are just a few feet from victory.

There is one more thing you cannot see, but I can. Just a few yards behind you, there are some others, using your footprints as their guide. You do not know it, but if you turn back, they may never find their way.

Bob looked up, but the plane was gone. Then he looked at that boulder and suddenly it was no longer so imposing. First of all, someone had been there before and made the way for him. Secondly, someone who had a higher perspective had assured him that what waited for him just beyond made it all worth it. Lastly, that one who could see beyond had graciously sent him a road map and a letter of encouragement so he would not travel on blindly. With new enthusiasm, Bob resumed his climb. No longer afraid, he was filled with hope. Suddenly he had new perspective.

Bob's story is not an unusual one. You and I can quite easily relate. It sometimes seems that we are trudging through untraveled jungles, and around us, there surround us obstacles that appear unmovable. Then we realize, our perspective is too limited. Suddenly, someone hands us a book that seems to have been sent from Heaven itself. And that wonderful book tells us that someone HAS been there before us. Not only IS there a way through it, there is beyond it, a world that words cannot even begin to describe. We simply cannot see it, because our perspective is too limited. So He asks us to believe Him, for from HIS vantage point, we are just inches from victory. "TRUST ME," He quietly whispers, "what you construe to be a never ending storm is only a shower without which I could not fashion a rainbow of grace. Beyond those showers, the sun is shining...with a brightness beyond your comprehension." Oh, my child," He concludes, "if only you could see it from the grandeur of MY perspective." (The Grandeur of God's Perspective, used by permission, Russell Kelfer, Discipleship Ministries.)

.

That's not a struggle

2010-08-06T17:33:00.003-04:00

Dictionary.com says "struggle" is to....

1. to contend with an adversary or opposing force.
2. to contend resolutely with a task, problem, etc.; strive: to struggle for existence.
3. to advance with violent effort: to struggle through the snow.

Lately I've been annoyed, mostly with myself, on the thought of saying I am struggling against sin. I've noticed in Christian circles we like to throw around the statement: "I'm struggling with (fill in your sin here)." Usually this is said when asking for prayer, and often what we really mean is that "I'm annoyed that I have this issue in my life and I just want it to go away, but please don't ask me to do anything inconvenient to make that happen."

But according to the above definitions, to honestly say you are struggling with something means that we are violently attacking the problem. We aren't just sitting by thinking how we wish things were different, but we are taking steps in the right direction to change the issue at hand. That is a struggle.

So lately I have been asking myself, as I let the words "latey I've been struggling with...." slip off my tongue, is that an honest statement? Am I seeking accountability? Am I reading God's Word to change my heart? Do I draw the line a safe distance away so that I don't even risk falling (even if others think this makes me a goody-two-shoes?)

We need to make war. I love John Piper's statement, "I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addictions, and their short comings, and I see so little war. murmur, murmur, murmur Why am I this way? MAKE WAR!!!"

Why does it even matter? Christ gave His life for us.... let's give our lives back to Him.

He's got it covered

2010-07-30T00:09:00.002-04:00

Stressed out and fearful about the way the world is going these days?

"Who in the skies can be compared to the Lord? Who among the heavenly beings is like the Lord? A God greatly to be feared in the council of the holy ones, and awesome above all who are around Him ...You rule the raging of the sea, when it's waves rise, You still them....

The Heavens are Yours!
The Earth also is Yours!
the world and all them that are in it (ehem, this would be us and the leaders over us!).
You have founded them.

The north and the south, You have created them...

For OUR SHIELD BELONGS TO THE LORD!!"

Psalm 89, portions of verses 6-18

pity party of three, please.

2010-07-29T01:05:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been playing the "poor me" game and basically lacking faith that God has good plans for my life. It's ridiculous, really, when I look at all the things He has done for me. Even if my life here was horrible (which it's definitely NOT), I can be grateful because Christ made a way for me to go to Heaven and spend eternity with Him.

But no, those have not been the things I've been focusing on. I've been focusing on my shortcomings, the things I want that I don't have, and feeling like everyone else is blessed more than I am. How silly.

I find that the best remedy for this type of attitude is to start going through a list of all the things God has blessed me with and things I am grateful for. It takes my mind off the things that I think I want to the things God has provided me with, which is ultimately what I need anyway.

So, here goes...
1. I am grateful that man's wisdom is God's foolishness. My smartest, most brilliant thought is foolishness compared to God's wisdom.
2. I am thankful that the truth above allows me to rest in Him, even when things seem confusing or out of control.
3. I am thankful that no matter what happens, I can know that I have been rescued from eternal punishment for my sin. Christ showed His extravagant love for me by dying on the cross for my sin...I will spend ETERNITY with Him. Go listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcLPYd-CVfI
4. I am thankful that Christ died, but that He also came alive again. To me, this is the best part. It shows His victory over death/sin and shows me that even though I dont always feel like it, God does have power over sin and can help me break chains of sin in my life.
5. I am thankful that God allowed my mom to have stage 4 cancer. That sentence is hard to type. But it's true. I am also thankful He spared her life.
6. I am glad God saw fit to bring me back to SC. I have friends here that challenge me in my walk with Christ.
7. I am thankful that God allowed me to earn a college degree and that He provided for the bill.
8. I'm thankful for my car...sounds materialistic, but if you knew the story behind how I got it you would understand :) Ask me sometime.
9. I am thankful for the beauty of the outdoors.
10. I am thankful for humor. It makes everything better :)
11. I am thankful that God is ultimately the One that satisfies. I often feel like if I could just have that one perfect relationship, that I would be happy. But any good traits that the other person has comes from God anyway. You want selflessness in a person? Well, if they have that trait, it's because God helped cultivate it in their life. You want someone to bring you flowers? God MADE the flowers (beat that!) ... you want someone who understands your thoughts and feelings? God does. The Bible says he holds our tears in a bottle. He loves you so much. More than any person ever could. Find satisfaction in that. I'm not minimizing the need for personal relationships. But I'm saying that realize that no person is perfect, but God is. He knows each need you have and can meet it. If you don't believe me, pray to God to show you His love in a special way. He will. (ok if you didn't go listen to this before, do it now :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcLPYd-CVfI)

This list could go on and on. I'll leave it here for now. But really, if you are struggling to have faith that God is good or that He is in control, I challenge you to start praising Him. This is what the author did in Psalm 73. He starts off complaining, but by the end He is praising God. Have a time of prayer that all you do is thank God for what He has done...leave your requests for another time. Do nothing but praise Him.

I learned this year that faith is knowing God's Word and believing it to be true, no matter how I feel, knowing it produces a good result. If you had a friend that asked you to prove everything you said, it would be flat out annoying. I would hope that, as friends, we would trust each other's statements. If God says something, it's true. Whether you feel like it is true or not. When He says He has good plans for your life, it's true. Faith is also trusting that while His good plans for you may appear different than what you had in mind, they are still good. Remember, our wisdom is foolishness to God. What we think is great isn't always.

I hope these thoughts encourage you like they have encouraged me. God is good. Believe it!

a word of caution to all the single ladies

2010-06-21T00:23:00.002-04:00

For the past few days I've been burdened to write about this, so here goes.... I am definitely a work in progress in the area of men and relationships, so I am not claiming to be some sort of "relationship expert" here... BUT I will say that through observing some friends with strong, Christ-centered marriages, I have come up with a few conclusions.

1. You need to ask yourself if the guy you are dating is someone who would stick by you when life gets hard. I know, sounds obvious. But really, sit and think about it. Is he someone (and actually, guys you should be asking the same thing about the ladies) who would remain committed to you if you were horribly injured in a car accident? Or a house fire? Or what if you found out that the child you were carrying was going to be severely disabled. Would he stick around? How can you know this? Well, how do they handle daily disappointments? Do they walk away or stick it out? How committed are they to do what is right, even when it's terribly inconvenient? Marriage is bound to be full of faith-testing trials... observing how they deal with those inconvenient trials now will help you know how they will deal with them in marriage.

2. Keep your heart to yourself....for now. It's a known fact that, traditionally, men feel most connected when physical, while women feel most connected when emotional (sharing their heart). Many times, especially in Christian circles, we focus on setting physical boundaries in relationships. But something you dont hear much about are emotional boundaries. You do not need to be sharing your deep dark past and all your fears, worries, and dreams with your most recent crush. A lot of times girls do this in hopes that it will bring them closer and possibly lead to a serious relationship. It doesn't work like that. Often sharing too much too soon leads to a heart full of disappointment. I definitely think that it is okay to share your heart with a man that you are in a dating relationship with...in the right time. It would be impossible to progress towards marriage without sharing your heart. BUT this shouldn't be taking place on the first date. Pray for wisdom as to when the right time is to share some of those more personal issues.

3. It's okay to make a list of things you are looking for in a husband....if you don't know what you are looking for, how will you know when you find it? Or how will you know to move on when those qualities arent there? I will say that this list should be short... at least the non-negotiables. When I was in high school my list was about 2 pages long, no joke... I found it recently and had a good laugh over it (one of the list items was that he would have a big loud red truck - HA!). But now that list has been shortened to about 3 or 4 non-negotiables. Character qualities that must be present, no exceptions. Now, this does not mean that he won't have made mistakes or that he will be perfect in each area all the time...I am so thankful that God forgives and can change us, but RIGHT NOW in his life, I need to see a consistent pattern of those character qualities being present. And no, I am not telling you the list...which leads me to number 4.

4. Don't go sharing your list with the guys you hang out with. I know some people will disagree with me on this, but I do not believe this is wise. What if there is a guy that is interested in you and he hears this list? It's easy to put on a front.

5. Pray RIGHT NOW that God would help you be willing to listen to those wise people in your life who love you. I mean, REALLY love you and have your BEST interests at heart and will tell you the hard things to hear, even if they know it might make you mad. Not your friends that are nicey nice and tell you what you want to hear. The Bible says in Proverbs 27:6, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." When in a dating relationship, we tend to have rose colored glasses. Pray that God would help you to have a teachable spirit and seek counsel from those who love you about the one you are dating or wanting to date. The further you get in the relationship, the harder it will be to break it off.

6. Don't think that because of past mistakes that you don't deserve a to marry a good person. This one burns me up. God forgave you for your past - forgive yourself. Don't date a loser because you think that's all you can get. Also, don't decide for someone else whether or not they can love you. I hear girls say all the time "he's too good for me, he deserves better." (as a side note - if right now you are living like crap, STOP IT because you aren't going to attract the right one unless you are the right one)... If you have sought God's forgiveness and made your life right, let the guy decide whether or not he deserves better than you. Would you like someone making up your mind for you? I think you are supposed to feel like you can't believe he chose you. Marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship with the church. I all the time feel like I can't believe Christ chose me and loves me. If you think you are deserving of your wonderful husband, you probably aren't. I'm not saying have low self esteem....I'm saying be amazed at who God gives you. You are supposed to be humbled and feel blessed.

7. Pray that if you are not supposed to be with him, that God will take the feelings away. This is annoying to pray sometimes. Let's face it, it's fun to have a love-interest. But the bottom line is that I dont want to waste emotional energy and time on someone that isn't who God has for me. Sometimes you might even have to involve other people and ask them to pray for this with you. I will be honest and say that there have been times I have b een attracted to guys that I KNOW are not good for me ... and sometimes I purposefully did not pray for God to take the feelings away because quite frankly, I didn't want Him to. If you know that you are headed down the wrong emotional path with a guy that you know is not good for you, get others involved and ask them to pray with you that God will take the feelings away. It's also okay to pray that if God wants you with him, that He will allow the feelings to remain. Women, we are EMOTIONAL! Ask God to help you reign it in so you don't end up in a world of regret 15 years from now.

Bottom line, do marriage God's way. Being single is better than doing wrong or going against God just to get married.

Take some time to think about it!!

damnation to delight

2010-05-26T23:36:00.000-04:00

If you don't know much about David, you really need to check his story out. If you think the Bible is boring, you've clearly never read it. 2 Samuel chapter 11 depicts the story of King David (a strong spiritual leader in Scripture) and Bathsheba. Basically David was outside one day and saw Bathsheba bathing and he thought she was very beautiful..thing is, Bathsheba was married (husband was away at war), but David sent messengers to her and asked her to come to him, and then he had an affair with her. To some, this may not seem like a big deal, but the Bible is clear about the sanctity of marriage, and David knew that sleeping with Bathsheba was flat out wrong. Turns out that Bathsheba got pregnant with David's child. Since David was king, he had control over the military and he ended up sending Bathsheba's husband, Uriah, to the front lines of the war, with the intention of having him "accidentally" killed in the line of fire.

In other words, David slept with a married woman, got her pregnant, and then tried to cover it all up with murder.

I know if that were me, I'd be beating myself up for ...well, for forever. I think a lot of us are really good at beating ourselves up. Satan likes to make us think that we are unusable....that we are so screwed up that God just can't use us anymore. While it is true that God abhors sin and He can use guilt to lead us to repentance, it is also true that Christ died on the cross to bear the burden of our sin, and if you have accepted Christ as your Savior you do not need to carry the burden of guilt on your shoulders. This is something I am still learning about. Now, if you are living in sin and have not gone to God and asked for forgiveness: by all means, feel guilty. That guilty feeling you are experiencing is God trying to draw you back to Him.Guilt is like an invitation from God to repent. It's a sign that He loves you...He's trying to correct you. If you don't care what God wants, you probably wouldn't feel guilty...in this sense, guilt can be a good thing. BUT once you have come to a point of repentance and asked God for forgiveness and you have a heart that truly wants to change and walk away from that sin, allow God's grace wash over you and let the guilt go. God grace and forgiveness is something that I just cannot wrap my mind around, but I am trying.

Look at what David has to say in Psalm 51, which was written after all the above. I encourage you to go read the whole thing yourself, but I am just going to point out some of the highlights:

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your STEADFAST LOVE...according to your ABUNDANT MERCY. ...my sin is ever before me...against you and you only have I sinned...you may be blameless in your judgment (notice that David is repentant, confessing his sin, and admits that he deserves punishment) ...wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow (blameless in God's sight). Let me hear joy and gladness...let the bones that you have broken rejoice. RESTORE TO ME THE JOY of Your salvation (now that he's confessed, he wants to live a life of joy, not guilt)...THEN I WILL TEACH transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you (he now wants to use the lessons learned to help point people to Christ). My tongue will SING ALOUD of your righteousness...open my lips, and MY MOUTH WILL DECLARE YOUR PRAISE.

Wow. Notice it doesn't say, "Lord...forgive me, and then stand by and let me continue beating myself up for sins that you gave Your life to forgive." Nor does it say, "I'm sorry that I sinned, and I am now deemed unworthy for Your use and Your purpose....I have no value and I am the scum of the earth."

No, it does not say that. David admitted that he royally messed up,...he then confessed his sin, and begged God to forgive Him. I think David grasped the reality that GOD FORGIVES. GOD LOVES. and GOD HEALS. HE WAS NOT DEEMED WORTHLESS. David suffered consequences for his sins...the son he bore with Bathsheba died. God does take sin seriously. But He also takes mercy and grace seriously. He died on the cross to save us from eternal punishment from sin, but He ALSO died on the cross so that we could live our life here on earth free from guilt and sin. Our responsibility is to ask Christ for forgiveness. Christ paid a high price... we need to forgive ourselves, just as Christ has forgiven us. Take those mistakes that you made and go serve people by sharing how God rescued you from bondage to sin. Explain how you went from bondage to freedom. Do you realize that because of your struggle you can relate to more people now? Thank God for "breaking your bones" and rejoice, just as David states above.

If God forgave you, why can't you forgive you? ...Christ died to take us from damnation to delight.

flashy vs. steady

2010-05-26T23:34:00.003-04:00

I feel like I've been hearing the term "on-fire Christian" a lot in the past week. I want to know what you consider to be "on-fire" Christianity. How do you define it? For real, I really want to know...please post a comment or send me a message.

I am sure this term comes from the many passages in the Bible referring to how God does not like us to be lukewarm. Revelation 3:15-16, "I know your works, you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." God doesn't make any hesitation to tell us how He feels about us being lukewarm. But what does all this temperature lingo really mean and how does it apply to our lives? What make someone hot, cold, or lukewarm?

I think the reason this is bugging me is because when people refer to "on-fire," it usually conjures up an image of a person being totally passionate and loud about their faith and what God is doing. It's as though on-fire = lots and lots of feelings. There are definitely times that we have super-emotional reactions to what God is doing in our lives, and that's good. But the truth is, Christianity isn't always like that. I'm not always 100% excited about life and what is happening. Sometimes I struggle to trust that God really does know what He is doing. That doesn't mean that I don't love God or that I don't want to obey Him. Honestly, I think sometimes that God gets more pleasure out of us when we are steadfast in those hard times when we really don't feel like it and when we trust Him when circumstances are telling us that we shouldn't. I might not be all super-emotional about it (on-fire), but I think when we continually CHOOSE trust God and give Him praise, even when our circumstances are upside-down, crazy and seem unfair, God gets glory out of that. I suppose you could compare this to a flash fire versus a slow, steady fire. A flash fire occurs when flames burst out and then die out very quickly, much like emotions can. But a slow, steady fire remains hot over a long period of time, even though it might not be as bright or noticeable as a flash fire. I guess this is a matter of deciding which type of fire "on-fire" should be referring to.

I like all kinds of friends and I think God brings some people into our lives for long-term purposes, and other's for short-term purposes, so don't get me wrong when I say this, but if you only like me when I am happy or when you are happy, or when things are convenient and make sense...you really aren't the kind of friend that will probably be around long-term. Because are you really a friend? When life is dark and you choose to still be around and faithful in friendship, you are a true friend. So, when there are those times that we don't FEEL excited about God but still CHOOSE to go to church or praise Him, I think it shows to God that we are not His fair-weather friends, but His steadfast followers. To me, that steadfastness - even when life is hard - THAT is being on-fire. Even if we don't feel emotional about it. I think it's also being clear on what we think about God and sticking with it, regardless of popularity. I heard a great quote once, and as usual, I don't remember the author, but here it is: "Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous; you get knocked down by both sides."

In short, I think "on-fire" should be more clearly defined as being steadfast in faith, regardless of how you feel or what your circumstances look like. Sometimes this may be obvious in an outward way to others, and other times it may be revealed in a quiet, personal relationship with your Savior. But both can be the result of being a steadfast, on-fire Christian, even though they may appear externally different.

misjudging the judgmentals

2010-05-26T22:48:00.005-04:00

I think it's funny, strange, highly annoying, and quite sad how often some people immediately assume, right after finding out you are a Christian, that you are either harshly judgmental or a hypocrite. Like the two are are a package deal. You hear that a lot ... "I am not going to step foot in church ever again - there are judgmental hypocrites there!" Well, you'd better go ahead and plan not to go to the grocery store, work, or restaurant ever again either...hypocrites are everywhere! And why do people not realize that when they are immediately assuming that you are a judgmental stick in the mud, they themselves are being judgmental? It's ironic, really, because when you assume immediately that I am judgmental because I am a Christian, are you not the very thing you are accusing me of? Truth is, I probably am a bit hypocritical...and I can be judgmental, too. But can't we all - regardless of whether or not you believe in God? And no, this is not stemming from some recent "incident" where someone called me judgmental. It's just been an observation of mine throughout the years and tonight I am in my soapbox mood.
Someone asked me not too long ago if I was a "churchy" girl ... church itself is not what my faith is about. It's about having a relationship with God. Church is something goes along with that, but it doesn't define my faith. Christianity is not a set of rules or a list of good deeds. It's simply a relationship with God. It's realizing who He is, and in response to that, THAT is why I go to church and do what I do ....not the other way around. Don't get the cart before the horse... Doing good things or going to church does not make someone a Christian. A personal relationship with God is what makes someone a Christian.
God made the awesome stars in the sky, the colors of the sunset, the mountains and the beautiful beaches, ...He made each of us in His own unique design. Sometimes we get so caught up in the rat race of life that we forget to stop and think about where we came from and what God has done for us - God put us on this earth for a purpose. And as if all that wasn't enough, He sent His Son to die for us so we could spend eternity with Him in Heaven. Wow... that's what my faith is about. I'm not at all a "perfect Christian" ...I am so very far from it. But realizing how far I am from perfect just makes me more in awe of God's unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness.
Yes, going to church is part of my relationship with God - it's where I go to fellowship with other Christians and to learn more about Him. But christianity isn't something that should be an act performed on Sunday mornings from 9-11am. It should be a daily walk and relationship with God.

in 150

2010-05-16T23:02:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the brevity of life. Do you realize that in 150 years, none of the people that are alive right now will be here? So many of the things that seem so important to us today will not even be a memory to anyone in 2110. Even some of the big things...the big oil spill, hurricane katrina, etc. ... while they will be recorded in history, how much will it really matter in the future? I have a little book that I write in when major things are taking place, and I often picture my great grandchildren reading it one day. But will they even care about it? ....and even if they do, how long will the ink last before it fades off the pages?

These thoughts could either be very depressing, or they could help us hone in on our purpose. God put us here for His glory and to lead other people to Him. If I allow my life to be consumed with making money or being popular, having fun, etc.... what good is that? What will that mean in 100 years? Absolutely nothing. But if I spend my life sharing God's love with other people and help them see Christ, THAT is something that will matter. I don't want to get to Heaven and think about all the people I knew on earth that I didn't share Christ with because I was too consumed with being popular, or too busy chasing money. While it's not wrong to have money or be popular, that should not be our goal or purpose. The only way to leave a lasting mark on this earth is to change hearts for Christ. What are we doing to make that happen?

ThanksChristmas

2009-12-26T01:17:00.001-05:00

Even though Thanksgiving was a month ago, this Christmas day has reminded me how thankful I am to God for my wonderful family . We have had quite the year.

I'm glad to be on this side of the mountain and I'm glad to know we are all a-ok, but there were several times this year I wasn't so sure. Besides mom's cancer, my grandfather has also faced some serious health issues and just last night, Christmas Eve, we had to rush my grandmother to the ER for what we thought may have been the beginning of a stroke. But, here we are wrapping up Christmas Day and we are all alive and well.....mom's cancer is GONE!! My grandfather is almost completely healed, and while my grandmother's syptoms were similiar to a stroke, it was something much less serious and she will be just fine.

Through all this, I have come to appreciate my family. As tradition would have it, we sat down to read the Christmas story as a family on Christmas Eve. Right at the beginning of this is when my grandmother gave us a scare...but what did my family do? We loaded up the games and piled into our cars and headed to the ER. We had quite the party :) But I'm thankful to have a family that doesn't stress when we have to move to plan B, is full of fun and knows how to laugh even in the stressful times. I'm thankful that today, amidst our tired silliness and laughter, we would have random conversations about God and what He is doing in our lives. I'm thankful that even after we were all so tired we were about to fall over, we all just sat and watched a movie just so we could be together. I'm especially thankful that even if this year was the year we lost family members to illness, I would know that I would see them again someday in Heaven. After all, that is what Christmas is all about....the fact that Christ was born so that He could later die for our sins..."Christ the babe was born for you." While losing loved ones would have been really hard to handle, I am sooooooooooooooo so thankful that God made a way that we can still have hope.

One thing life has taught me this year is that you cannot count on tomorrow. You never know what may happen between now and then that will change the future forever. Just enjoy each day to the fullest, and don't take your loved ones for granted. Don't just be thankful for who is in your life, make sure that you tell them.

two very different December 5ths

2009-12-06T00:08:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe that it was one year ago today that we found out my mom had cancer. She had been in the ER all day with what what we expected to be apendicitis. Shortly after midnight the morning of the 6th I got the phone call that her abdomen was full of cancerous cells...and truthfully, I felt pretty calm at first. I think that's because I didn't realize what we were up against. Several days later, we had a firm diagnosis of stage 4 peritoneal cancer (one of the rarest and worst types). We heard that if mom made it 6 months, she may make it 2-3 years. In my heart, I felt like we probably only had a few weeks. Her abdomen was full of fluid (they took 14 liters in 2 weeks), which is the last thing that happens before you die with this type of cancer. Now here we are, 1 year later, and my mom is 100% fine. I always knew my mom was a fighter, but I never realized how much so until now. I truly attribute her healing to the many prayers said on her behalf....God is the Ultimate Physician. While I don't know why He chose to heal my mom while many die from cancer each year, I am so thankful that He did. I also want to emphasize that had God NOT healed my mom, He would still be good. He is never-changing. The God that is good now will still be the same good God whenever that day does come my mom goes home to be with Him.

There was a point in this past year that I would not have been able to say that I felt God was good, but God finally made me realize that we are here for His glory, not our pleasure, and He has a right to do anything He wants. If God would have received glory for taking my mom home, than that would have been okay, and God still would have been good (and no, I didn't come to this conclusion after mom was healed, but before :) I was extremely bitter at the start of all this, but I realized that my bitterness was springing from a heart with a misunderstood purpose. I began to realize that I had been operating under the mindset that I was here on this earth to have fun. While I would have never said that out loud, I subconsciously was living my life that way. When God handed me this huge trial that completely flipped my world upside down, my true heart's attitude was revealed. Kinda scary. I was bitter about losing my mom (at that time, I was convinced I was going to), I was bitter about moving, I was bitter at all the people with Christmas cheer (haha), and I was bitter about life in general. But once I remembered my purpose, to give God glory, things started to make sense. I remembered that my life here is to please Him. And sometimes the best way to please God is to serve Him even when things don't make sense. It's easy to serve and love God when things are great...but when life is hard, that's when the true test of your love and faith comes. I began to realize that even if God did take my mom, I was extremely blessed to have such a good one for such a long time. And I began to be so thankful to know that even if she had passed, I could trust that I would see her again someday in Heaven. So really, no matter what happened, it would be okay. God is no stranger to suffering....He watched His Son die on the cross for our sins. Who am I to think that I should be exempt?

I heard an amazing analogy once about trial that has always stuck with me ....I got it from Beth Moore's book, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things." She was referencing the story of Job (if you don't know, read the book of Job in the Bible! amazing). She pointed out that Job had absolutely no idea that Satan had challenged God about Job's devotion to God. I knew this....but I never really THOUGHT about it. What a priviledge to think that God trusted Job enough to give him that trial. Beth said it's kinda like a soccer game in double overtime. That is the hardest part of the game....the most grueling and intense...a time of pushing the limits. Have you ever had that feeling of pride when the coach calls your name and puts you in the game in double overtime? You know it's going to be rough.... extremely challenging...but yet you are eager and full of pride to be put to the task. It's a trial, but you feel honored that your coach trusted you with such responsibility. I began to realize that trials are an honor .... they are proof that God trusts me to handle it. God's Word says that He will never give us more than we can handle. Sometimes I question if God is judging my ability to "handle it" correctly....but wow what faith He has in us to let us go through trial. Let's not let Him down....I want to prove Satan wrong by loving my Savior, even when life is unbearably hard.

Just 6 months after mom's diagnosis and 2 weeks before her 50th birthday, mom completed her last chemo and was given a clean bill of health. Just a few short weeks later she incorporated her non-profit, Fighting Cancer, Inc. (www.fightingcancerinc.org). I am so proud of her.

This December 5th has been very different. God allowed something so special to happen tonight.... I was out shopping for Fighting Cancer (we are having a benefit tommorrow), and the lady at the register asked me if I was buying stocking stuffers. I explained that the gifts were for Sunshine Boxes, and briefly explained my mom's nonprofit to her. The lady behind me in line looked at me and said, "you know, it's so funny that you would mention that..." and then she leaned into my ear and whispered that she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the doctors have told her she's too far gone....there's nothing they can do. Wow. I noticed she had her kids in tow....and I wondered if her whispering meant they didn't know. My heart broke for her. But how amazing to tell her that doctors can be wrong, and share with her that exactly one year ago today my mom was given a similiar diagnosis and now she's fine....in fact, better than she has been in a long time. I could see that she was still disturbed, but I also saw that light go on in her eyes that there really may be hope. Truth is, she can have hope in Christ even if she loses this battle with cancer. I gave her fighting cancer's website, and asked her to please contact us so we can encourage her. My true hope is that she will read the plan of salvation and know that no matter what....she can have hope.

As I left the store and got into my car, it was easy to remember exactly what it was like 1 year ago today. Seeing the despair in that lady's eyes took me back to how I felt. How amazing it was to get into my car and turn on the radio and hear "there will be a day," a song that I first heard right after mom was diagnosed. It talks about how, with Christ, we will have a day with no more tears and no more pain .... I remember last year thinking that I didnt know if that day would ever come. How precious to realize that it finally had.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6ccS7r8pMU

so where did all that talent come from, anyway?

2009-09-23T22:40:00.001-04:00

Arrogance seriously annoys me. I think everyone is arrogant, at times. I mean, we're all human. But I am so annoyed at people who consistently think they are better than everybody else. No, this is not stemming from a particular event that happened to me recently, but it's something that has gotten under my skin for years and tonight while I was out this evening I got to observe arrogance in its finest form. It didn't even happen to me, I was just a bystander, but it got my all riled up and I had to force myself to keep my mouth shut. My problem is that in the heat of the moment, the only things i can think of to say are all the things I shouldn't say....and then later I think of all the kind ways I could have said what needed to be said, but in a much gentler way. But then I think, maybe some people just need that bold in-your-face "excuse me, who do you think you are?" moment to snap them out of it.

Anyways, I digress...

Let me say this first. Anyone who develops any talent in any sort of way should feel a sense of accomplishment, and I think it's okay to be proud of it. But I think it's important to keep in mind where all that talent came from anyway. Did YOU give yourself talent while God was forming you? I don't think so. Any talent or good that we have came because God gave it to us. We have to work to develop it, but it came from God. God could have allowed you to be physically impaired in some way, and there would be nothing you could have done about it. The fact that anyone is born "perfect" is simply by the grace of God. So maybe you are great at something.... yay, and truly, I'm happy for you. I think it takes a lot of hard work to become skilled at anything and you should feel proud of the work you did to develop those skills. But remember, the skill you have came from God in the first place. Maybe you are extremely good looking (yay for God making beautiful people! lol) ....but, did you give yourself your face? Uh, no. God did. Thank Him for it.

I don't know why this gets under my skin so much. And I wish I knew how to say all the fired up things I want to say in the heat of the moment but in a nice way, but I haven't yet harnessed that particular talent. So, I will go on keeping my mouth shut and blogging about my annoyances.

Thanks for reading...

entitled is the title

2009-09-08T23:11:00.001-04:00

I feel like if God is so big, why can't He just make me know something instead of making me learn it the hard way? If He made the world, I feel like He should just be able to zap some truth into my brain and just be able to make me know my lesson and be on my merry way... I don't like it when I have to learn it the hard way.

I guess part of my problem is I feel like I am entitled to have some sort of good life. Like somehow I deserve to just have fun and be happy all the time. I look around and stupidly think other people don't have problems and life is just easy for them, and then I get envious. Which, like I said, is stupid. Everyone has things in their life they wish they could change. The bottom line is we ALL have to endure hardship in this life. Sometimes those hardships come because we made choices that led to those consequences. Sometimes those hardships come because God needs to teach us some sort of lesson and the only way to learn it is through trial. Other times those hardships come because God wants us to have an opportunity to prove that we will love Him and serve Him, even when our flesh wants to run away and get mad at God because things don't make sense. Remember, Job had no idea that Satan had challenged God when he was going through tragedy. We need to keep in mind that we do not see everything goin on around us...there is a spiritual battle taking place around us and perhaps that trial is in your life right now because God trusts you enough to handle it and prove to Satan that you will not turn your back on your Savior. And yes, it really stinks sometimes. I think sometimes trials are just in our life just to remind us that we are not in control and only God is God. And I'm sure there's a whole lot of other reasons trials exist that I don't even know about....after all, God's wisdom is much higher than my wisdom.

But you know what God showed me this weekend? Check out Luke 17:25 - "...but first He must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation." This got me thinking. Christ had to go through trial to bring about good. He had to "suffer many things and be rejected by this generation" in order to offer salvation from sin to the world. I know, I know.. this is no news flash. But for some reason it just has never hit me the way it did last night. I know that Christ had to die on the cross so that I could go to Heaven, but I don't think I ever really thought of it as a "trial to bring about good." Christ had to endure a lot of pain and went through a major trial so that a lot of good could come out of it.

If Christ, the Son of God, WILLINGLY put Himself through a trial to bring good to us, why do I feel entitled to be free from trial? Am I better than God Himself? I think not.

Cool analogy here: http://owen.sj.ca.us/~rk/LDS/stories/pushrock.html

I think I've been insulting my Creator...

2009-08-30T23:50:00.000-04:00

The Bible says in Psalm 139:13-16, "For you (referring to God) formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works, my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance..."

God made you just the was you are, and He did it on purpose. Before we were even born, He decided what we would look like and gave us our personalities.

Have you ever made something and then get really upset when someone insulted it or didn't like it? I remember this little girl handing me a drawing she made for me, and I could tell by looking at her that her whole world was hanging on how I would react to it. I think that's human nature. When we put time, energy, and love into something, we want to protect it and make sure no harm or insult comes it's way .... Well, just imagine how God must think about us. He put a lot of time, energy, and love into us just to make us exactly as we are. He loves us and thinks about us all the time. In fact, the very next verse is a testimony of God's love for us: Ps. 139:17-18, "How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more in number than the sand...." WOW. If you went to your favorite beach and started to count all the little tiny granules of sand, you wouldn't even begin to touch the amount of times that God has thought about you. He wouldn't think that much about you if He didn't love you. Don't insult His creation: you. How crazy is it that some of the most hurtful insults come from the creation itself?

I think it's easy, especially as Christians, to say "yeah well God made me great, but I've messed myself up by all these bad mistakes I've made...."

Well, let me tell you something about that.

Psalm 103:11-14: "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His STEADFAST love toward those who fear (respect) Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. **(And this is my favorite part.....)As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust."**

Wow. Now, I know that some of us out there haven't had the best examples of "compassionate" fathers. But remember that God is your HEAVENLY father, not your earthly, and that He is able to love us unlike any human-type love. Love comes from Him in the first place, anyway. The Bible says that God is love. But this verse makes me think about some of the kids I used to work with in the summers. Kids can be super-cute, but they can also be absolutely horrid, lol. But you know..kids make mistakes sometimes. And even though they make mistakes, it doesn't mean we don't love them. We know they are just kids and they are going to mess it up sometimes. Haven't you ever seen somebody do something wrong but had that tug of compassion in your heart and even though you had to punish them, you hated doing it? I think God feels that way towards us. God remembers that we are dust and shows compassion towards us when we make mistakes. He doesn't toss us out and say "good riddance." He might have to punish us sometimes, but He doesn't stop loving us.

I guess it's like if a kid wrongs his parents.... He needs to apologize to make the relationship right, but he doesn't have to go to his dad and say, "hey dad, can I be your kid again?" Once your dad's kid, always your dad's kid. And the same goes with God. We need to apologize when we mess up to fix our relationship with Him, but He will always love you no matter what.

for all you quote lovers out there...

2009-07-11T00:07:00.006-04:00

I don't know what it is about quotes. But I sure do love the good ones. Maybe it's wisdom compacted; therefore, it's easily remembered. At any rate, here are some of my fave's....

A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure until he says someone pushed him. ~ Elmer G. Letterman

I haven't failed. I've found 10,000 ways that didn't work. ~Thomas Edison

Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional

Obstacles can either be stepping stones or stumbling blocks

How you handle matters matters MORE than the matters you handle

Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous: you get knocked down by both sides. ~Margaret Thatcher

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. ~Henry Ford

Character is the ability to carry out a worthy decision after the emotion of making that decision has passed. ~Hyrum Smith

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Mahatma Gandhi

A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are built for. ~John Shedd

Rejoice in the good times, learn from that bad times, and know that God is there ALL the time.

The cost of your sins is more than you can pay. The gift of your God is more than you can imagine.

You will never forgive anymore more than God has already forgiven you.

Don't stop on a daisy while looking for a rose.

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vesta Kelly

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~ Mark Twain

The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. ~Ivy Baker Priest

When it is time to die let us not discover that we never lived. ~Henry David Thoreau

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending! ~Carl Brand

It is smart to pick your friends, but not to peices.

If it offends God, it ought to offend you.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. ~Jim Elliot

God would prefer we have an occasional limp than a perpetual strut, and if it takes a thorn for Him to make His point, He loves us enough not to pluck it out.

Action is the antidote for despair.

The danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. ~ Michelangelo

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill

Nails didn't hold God to a cross. LOVE DID.

Pray is if it all depended on God. Work as if it all depended on you.

_____________________

THE MINISTRY IS...
giving when you feel like keeping
praying for others when you need to be prayed for
feeding others when your own soul is hungry
living truth before people even when you can't see results
hurting with other people even when your own hurt can't be spoken
keeping your word even when it is not convenient
being faithful when your flesh wants to run away

_____________________

MONEY...
It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy blood, but not life.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy a position, but not respect.
It can buy sex, but not love.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy medicine, but not health.

For what profiteth a man if he gain the whole world but lose his own soul? ~ The Bible

my favorite possession and the unknown soldier

2009-04-13T23:35:00.005-04:00

Have you ever lost something dear to you and years later it still crosses your mind? I have.

My sophmore year of college I was flying home from Tampa to Baltimore. I was a 2 year old Christian and had my favorite possession with me...my Red NIV Bible. It was the Bible I bought the day I became a Christian - my friend Ruth had one much like it, and since her testimony was the final straw that made me decide to turn my life over to Christ, I wanted one *just* like hers :) I read it so much that the leather was soft and I knew where to find all those really special verses...I might not know the reference, but I knew if you turned to a certain section of the book you would find that one really cool verse highlighed in green towards the bottom left - that kind of Bible. That is why it was with me on the plane. I pretty much took it wherever I went.

As I was sitting in the Tampa airport, I noticed a downtrodden soldier staring blankly into a Reader's Digest. Even though it was 7 or 8 years ago, I can still picture it like it was yesterday. He had extremely short jet black hair, was wearing his uniform, and the Reader's Digest had blotches of bright red and yellow on the front. The thing I remember most, however, was the lost look in his eyes. Have you ever been in the presence of someone and it's almost like you can FEEL the sorrow? That's how it was. I wondered what he was thinking, who he was leaving behind. What was making him so sad? In this moment, I knew that I was supposed to give him my Bible. My precious Bible.

I sat in the Tampa airport for the next 45 minutes wrestling with the concept that God would want me to give my Bible away. I kept thinking that if God really wanted him to have a Bible, God could make sure He got one and it didn't need to be mine. I felt no peace inside, but I just couldn't bear with the thought of sacrificing my Bible...my dearest possession. Sure, I had other Bibles, but none as special as this one. Eventually our plane started boarding and throughout the entire 2 hour plane ride I felt tormented over my decision. I kept thinking about how this guy was likely on his way to Iraq and could possibly die. What would happen to him if I DIDN'T give him my Bible? Wasn't it selfish of me to keep it to myself, especially since I had multiple others on my bookshelf at home? As we made our final descent into Baltimore, the captain's voice filled the cabin as he announced that the soldiers aboard our flight were joining about 200 others in the Baltimore airport and would be leaving for Iraq in the morning. He asked us all the clap our hands in thanks and in that moment I knew what I had to do. I knew I couldn't live with myself if I let him slip away without giving him my Bible.

When our plane landed, I quickly deplaned and stood by the gate, hoping that I hadn't missed him. I wasn't sure where he had been sitting and if he would have gotten off the plane before me. I had NO idea what I would say to him when I found him, but I didn't care. I just knew what I had to do and went with the impulse. I waited and waited, watching as several soldiers made their way down the hall ...eventually the line died out and I realized that everyone was off the plane, but I hadn't seen my downtrodden soldier.

I decided to run to baggage claim, hoping I would see him there. As I ran through the terminal, I couldn't stop crying. I don't know if it was the emotion of giving my Bible away, or if it was the work of the Holy Spirit in me, but I was so moved by this young man and the fact he was going to war that I couldn't stop crying over the situation. Once arriving at baggage claim, I realized that I didn't see him there either. Where had he gone?

I looked up, and just ahead of me and to the right was a tall soldier walking quickly through the terminal. At this point I was so burdened to give the soldier my Bible, I didn't really care what I had to do to make it happen. I was not going to let him leave without my favorite possession. I ran after the soldier and explained my plight. I remember explaining to him that I was looking for "a soldier wearing, well, what you're wearing....and his hair was black and short, ....well, kind of like yours..." (at this point realizing the ridiculousness of my description - don't all soldiers look like that?! so I thought I would give the defining feature...) "he was reading a Reader's Digest and looking very sad....do you know who he is or where he went? I have to give him my Bible!!!" The soldier just sneered at me and looked at me like I had gone absolutely crazy. I knew how weird it must seem, but I was so absolutely sure that this is what I was supposed to do, I didn't care. In response, he told me that 200+ soldiers were meeting in this terminal tonight and there was absolutely no way that he could help me find this man. He turned and started to walk off, but I decided that the second best thing I could do was to give him, the soldier nearly laughing at me, my Bible. I remember telling him to "wait," slowly handing the Bible to him, all while explaining that it was very dear and precious to me, and if he figured out who the man was to please give it to him or that he could keep it himself. I reminded him of how precious it was to me and begged him to take good care of it. I remember the way my heart felt when he looked at the Bible in his hand, back at me, and then laughed. He dropped his arm flippantly to his side, spun around on his heel and took off, leaving me there in the middle of the airport hoping that this arrogant man wouldn't throw my dearest possession in the trash.

I still feel that unnameable feeling that I felt when he sarcastically walked away. It hurt to see how little he regarded my Bible. Didn't he understand how valuable it was? Didn't he know how much it hurt my heart to give it away.....and then to see him treat it so disrespectfully? I still sometimes wonder if he threw my Bible in the trash or where it ended up. But, you know, it made me think about how God must feel when we disregard His Word. It's His love letter to us....our instruction guide. It contains the answers to life and God's expressed love for us. How must He feel when we treat it with so little respect? Don't we know people DIED to give us a Bible? What about Christ's sacrifice? Don't we care at all that He died for us and that the story of His sacrificial love is written in the pages of that book? As much as it broke my heart to see my Bible treated so poorly, I can only imagine how God's heart must have felt in that moment, too.

I still wonder what ever happened to that Bible. Did the tall soldier give it to the downtrodden one? Did he throw it in the trash? If so, did the janitor find it and read it? Did it change his life? Did the tall soldier keep it and finally decide to read it when in the middle of the desert while facing the reality of death? Did He accept Christ's love and forgiveness? Did it change his marriage...his family...his friends? Have pages been ripped out so different people can have a portion of God's Word? What does it look like now? I often picture the red cover being faded with dust and the pages being dirty and worn on the edges. I can imagine that the pages feel soft with the frequent use and turning of pages, and perhaps there are even bloodstains on a few. Have any Iraqis been changed by the Good Book? Sometimes I imagine a dusty soldier showing up on my doorstep with my Bible in hand. The book contains my name (although at the time I went by my mother's maiden name); the name of the church and the date I was baptized; and the dates of new arrivals, weddings, and deaths. I imagine that if someone really wanted to track me down, they could with a little research and some effort. The romantic side of me imagines that one day prince charming will show up and tell me he fell in love with me while reading my notes and highlighted verses. :) Okay, a little corny and quite sappy, I know....but the mind does wander. I just have to believe that if God laid it on my heart so strongly to give that Bible away, that He had great plans for that Bible and lives have been changed. I don't think it's just been one or two either (although the Bible says the angels rejoice even when just one accepts Christ), but I feel in my heart like hundreds, if not thousands, of people have been changed by that Bible.

I hope that one day God will reveal to me where that Bible has traveled and who has been changed by it. I imagine it is a fascinating trail of changed lives and healed hearts and families. Only God knows...maybe I will never know this side of Heaven, but until then I will keep imagining and wondering, praying that God's will is still being carried out through the pages contained in my favorite possession.

a speedbump or a parking space?

2009-04-09T21:20:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life's direction and honestly, I don't know which way is which. I still know I want to be a counselor, but lately I have been doubting my abilities to offer anyone any sort of sound or godly advice. But, I suppose if I felt I had it all together I would actually be a bad counselor.... hopefully realizing I don't know it all will drive me to read and learn more, and seek Him for words at the right times.

As I consider my time here in NC, I wonder if it is just a speedbump in the road of life, or if it is going to turn into a permanent parking spot. Honestly, I am hoping for the speedbump. I feel kind of guilty saying that out loud, but I don't know how to be fake and I just have to say that I'm not a huge fan of Mount Holly. I really like the part about living closer to family, and it's nice to help mom out when she needs it (such as now after surgery - it's hard to move around after such a major surgery and I'm glad I can be here). Honestly, though, I've learned I'm really just not a small town girl and I don't particularly like living so far away from a coffee shop with a good leather chair for reading a book. I do like how I can go outside and actually see stars at night or I can lie in my hammock and listen to the tree frogs. Don't get me wrong, there are perks, but I think Greenville is more my speed. It's definitely much smaller than I am used to, although I wouldn't classify it as a small town. It is WAY smaller than the Baltimore area that I am used to, but it has plenty to offer. I learned awhile ago that I classify towns as "big" or "small" based upon how many Walmarts they have - lol. This classification process would make Greenville medium-sized. You can live in the center of everything but be in the country or mountains within just a few minutes. Sometimes I think I want to live in the foothills for the sake of having land and peace and quiet, but other times I like living in the center of everything because it promotes random friends stopping by just to say "hello."

Thinking about all this just makes me wonder about my life. Where is it going? What am I doing? Why did God bring me to Mount Holly (other than the obvious of helping mom right now)? Does he have something more permanent in mind, or is this just a speedbump in the road on the way to the next pit stop? Why did He lead me to Greenville, only to allow me to live there for 5 months?

As of now, I can seriously see moving back to Greenville. It's where many good friends live. When I moved there, I had two good friends already, but since living there I have accumlated at least 2 more keepers :) It's hard to find friends that matter and will stick around, and I think going through mom's cancer bout I have learned which friends are which. So far, Greenville earns 4 points. However, Charlotte has family. But I'm torn... if God wanted me here, wouldn't I feel happier about it? I know God's will doesn't always = happiness. Sometimes it brings pain and sadness. Maybe a better word is peace. Wouldn't I have more peace? Instead I just feel restless and like someone hit my life's "pause" button. Maybe it's because I work from home so I really only see these four walls. By the way, that is DEFINITELY not my personality. I thrive on people and it's hard going days without seeing anyone other than myself in the mirror. This is part of why I want the coffee shop. :) At least then I could sit in a chair and watch people I don't know.

I dunno... I hope that God's plan for me involves completing my master's degree in counseling. Sometimes I think I want to then travel the world helping the sad and lonely, all while writing a riveting book and becoming a world-famous photographer :) Other times I hope His plan involves finding a man that I love so much that I will want to sacrifice the freedoms of singlehood so that I can spend the rest of my life with him. Sometimes when I watch hurting children - children without parents who love them - I feel very compelled to adopt. In my perfect world, I imagine being that "go to" person who can help change a person's life around and be the one to make a difference. I like the idea of having my own clinic with counseling, financial counseling, wedding planning, and orphan adopting :)

Who knows what God has planned for me. It's fun to think about. But for now, I just know I need to be faithful in earning my degree and as I go along, God will light the next path when it's time. Whether that path takes me back to Greenville, leaves me here in Mount Holly, or it takes me to adventures unknown.

A hacksaw, my neighbor, and a big yellow bucket

2009-04-07T23:40:00.002-04:00

I would say today would qualify as a pretty good day. I will admit that waking up and walking 4 steps to my home office sure is nice in the morning :) Perhaps one downside is the fact I don't get to pass a starbucks on my way, but my wallet ain't complainin. After work I headed out the front door, only to be greeted by my new friend and neighbor, Cybil. Wasn't that the name of some character on The Nanny? At any rate, Cybil and I met tonight as she ran over to ask about mom and express her concern. She is really sweet...said she tried calling the hospital several times (to no avail). She then proceeded to invite me to crochet class at church with the ladies and asked if I like to knit. I tried to gracefully sidestep this conversation as I am, in no way, a "crafty" person :) I prefer to put my creative energy into snapping a timeless picture or rearranging a room. But it was nice to have an invite and I'm glad to have made a new acquaintance in the neighborhood.
To my dismay, through a series of unfortunate events I learned tonight that I do not have a key to the front door of the house, just the side door. This really wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I had put the chain on the side door and cannot get it open without quite a bit of work... so, I am armed and ready for tomorrow morning with a hacksaw, a metal hanger, and wire cutters :) I figured this "incident" is in keeping with my previous post in which I stated that you could call me "Lucy." Never a dull moment.
The reason I was heading out tonight in the first place was to head to my grandparent's house to visit mom. We are all hooked on the Jeanette Oke movies (well okay, except for maybe my grandpa) and are working our way through a 5 or 6 movie marathon. All was well until mom started feeling nauseous, which is where the big yellow bucket comes into play :) No worries, she didn't get sick, but I realized that I am in no shape to have kids, lol. I felt very discompassionate when I had to inform mom that if she got sick I would be leaving the room and she'd be on her own, lol. I would only make things worse as I, myself, would also get sick. As much as I hated her being sick, it was one more reminder why I'm here. I stayed in her room for a long time to make sure she was okay...it might not be much, but hopefully she's comforted to know she's not alone.

don't be sad it's over, smile because it happened

2009-04-02T23:21:00.004-04:00

That's been the theme of my mind lately. I really miss a lot of things. I'm trying hard to be content where I am, but in a way it's a blessing to have so much I miss because it means I have had a full and happy life so far.

I really miss living in Maryland with my family all located in a 2 hour radius. Even if I were to move back, it would never be the same. Family has relocated and life has moved on. I learned a long time ago that some memories are fondest when left alone and in the past.

I miss being able to go to the lake. Sure, there are other lakes around, but none compares to my favorite lake in PA. I have a special spot where I always go when something is on my mind or I have something to pray about. Recently I went to PA for a very fast weekend trip. I only had time to stop for 10 minutes, but I went to that spot to pray that mom would recover FULLY from cancer. I know God can hear me from anywhere, but that spot has become a cool place for me. It's where I sat when I decided to move to SC, when I decided to become a Christian counselor, etc. Something about sitting in that spot breathes peace into my soul and everything moves at a slower pace. I can enjoy nature and it feels like how life is supposed to be. God made the birds and animals for us to enjoy...I like to sit there and drink it all in.

I miss my small group friends up there. They were loads of fun. I miss driving home after Bible study with the sunroof open and all the windows down while listening to Rascal Flatts. I miss feeling like part of the group.

I miss being familiar with my surroundings. I have always considered myself to be a person born for adventure....and while I still believe that's true, I've also learned I don't like major life changes. I'm more sentimental than I would like to admit and there's something special and comfortable about living somewhere long enough that you know where all the "spots" are and can get there without needing directions.

I miss being in college as a new Christian and having that fresh desire for the Lord in my heart. I struggle with accepting God's grace since being a Christian. I dont know...it seems easier to accept grace when you are a new Christian. When you look at mistakes you made before accepting Christ, I think it's easier to "go easy" on yourself because, well, you did all that stuff before you were a Christian. But after being a Christian, it feels like you should know better and it's so much easier to condemn yourself. It's funny, one reason I want to be a counselor is so I can show people how much God loves them and has a plan for their life and that no matter what they've done, God can forgive them and loves them unconditionally. It's just so much harder to accept that grace as a 9 year old Christian. It seems like the stuff I've done SINCE being a Christian is unexcusable and I should have known better. I am still working on this.

I miss being able to be more spontaneous. It seems like life is "heavy" lately... the thing is, life is short. I'm tired of having to be so responsible. I feel like I've proved my independence and have shown myself that I can handle life. I'm tired of it, though, and wish I could go back to the days of being more carefree.

I miss the feeling like people care. Don't get me wrong, I know people still do, but I've learned that when you are out of sight you are often out of mind. I think it's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew. We are all guilty of this. I think I am beginning to really understand why God says "two are better than one." The trick is to find that person who you love so much that being with them is better than all the perks of being single.

I miss being young and carefree. I am still young, I know, but I feel like I have become cynical. I make negative assumptions about people and their intentions, and I no longer have that upbeat positive outlook that I used to have all the time. I wish I knew where it went.

I feel like in many ways I have lost myself. I dont know if it's the stress of life the past several months, but I just dont feel like I am me anymore. I miss my friends. I miss living somewhere that things are open past 6pm (yes, seriously). I miss being able to be social ..... it takes a really long time to meet new people. I miss going to a church that I actually look forward to going to it. I miss having friends randomly stop by my house or be able to host parties if I feel like it. For awhile I have felt like it was bad to admit I miss these things, like it would say to the world that I resent being in NC right now. Truth is, I am glad to be here and to help and I know I won't regret it, but I am still a human and I am not super-human. I am just a girl who wants to live life like anyone else and I hate that life is so upside down right now. I wish I could be one of those super-spiritual "life is always good" type of people, but seriously......who can live up to that? I really miss living on my own and being able to do what I want on a free evening.

I look back on the way life used to be and wish I had appreciated it more. I feel like I am someone who has been through a lot of life trials. People much older than me often tell me that I have been through far more than they have ever been through in their own life. However, until this recent bout with mom's cancer and uprooting life, I really don't think I got this particular type of trial. It makes me want to appreciate things....the little things, even....while they last. 5 months ago I would worry about life's little concerns, and now I look back and wish I had enjoyed my time more and hadn't spent so much time wishing the "good times" away.

Don't get me wrong...life is good. I'm thankful that I have the ability to be here for mom while she goes through this and I will never regret it. It's been nice to live closer to family. Plus, I've always wondered what it would be like to live in a small southern town, and now I know :) I've learned a lot about myself since being here....some good, some bad..but at least now I know who I am and can work on those things that need improving.

Who knows if anyone reads this. I dont know why I care, because I write mostly for myself and for the purpose of clearing my mind. I guess I just like to think that someone out there cares what is running through my mind. I like the Rascal Flatts song, "take me there." It's about a guy who wants to know a girl and everything about her....he wants to see where she grew up, meet her friends, just know everything about her life that made her who she is today. I think we all long for someone like that. Someone who just cares about you and makes you a priority. Someone who will do something with you just because you want to do it, even if they don't like it. Maybe someone God will bless me with someone like that, but for now I am going to try to be content with life as it is. I don't want to look back on this time and have regrets of wishing it away. I hope that God works in my heart and helps me embrace life right now instead of being sad all the time. God has a plan, and I need to just trust in Him for that.

2009-04-01T01:15:00.004-04:00

DARE TO BE
DIFFERENT

You can call me "Lucy"

2009-03-31T00:41:00.004-04:00

I often feel like Lucy from "I Love Lucy." I always seem to be getting myself into interesting predicaments. Mom had been in the hospital since Wednesday (HAD since she just came home today, whoohoo!!). I feel like this has been the week of WONDERFUL answers to prayer - namely, mom doing soooooooooooo well!!!!! But it has also been full of "scratch-your-head-and-ask-why-did-THIS-happen" moments :) First, it started off when I got sick on Thursday morning and had to go home and stay away from mom for two days. Yeah, that stunk. I had been exposed to pnuemonia and we were afraid that was what it was turning into. Thankfully, I'm on the mend on could go see her on Saturday. That was GREAT! And I had a wonderful time. However, when I went to leave the parking garage late Saturday night, I had a big ole flat tire. MAN! Thankfully, Bud and Jen were there and they gave me a lift home. I always try to remember that seemingly annoying things are in God's control too, and I was reminded of this when we were en route home and passed a pretty bad wreck involving a tractor trailer and 2 or 3 cars. It looked like it had just happened and crews were still arriving on scene. That could have been me! Thank goodness for my flat tire. So, the next day I'm still feeling pretty crappy and I went to see mom (I got to wear a mask and looked like a surgeon woohoo!) and while I was scrubbing my hands with soap, I dropped my phone in the sink - in a puddle of water and under the running faucet. WHAT IN THE WORLD!?!? Bud and Jen heard, "oh no, I dropped my phone in the!" and then it went dead, lol. Why was all of this happening?!!? Who knows, but it sure keeps life interesting. :)

Spare tire is on, thanks to Bud. My body is feeling a little better, and my phone is functioning again after 2 days of sitting on top of heater vents. All in all, no biggies and life is good.

OH, and I just did my taxes. I always take them to somebody because I'm always afraid I'm going to mess them up, but this year I wanted to save a buck and tried filing online. It was pretty easy and unless I made some big mistake, I can't wait for the return! That will take care of the new tire needed! Oh, life is good.

filling in the gap

2009-03-28T00:50:00.004-04:00

Where to start? I realized that, before tonight, my last post on here was in November of 2008. That's not too much of a surprise to me, however, since life has been pretty crazy since December of 2008.

To sum up the last 5 months, on December 5th we found out that my mom has a rare form of cancer - peritoneal, to be exact. You can read her journal at www.caringbridge.com/visit/sharongrammer. It tells the whole story, from start to finish. Thank goodness my friend Jess was with me when the call came in around midnight on December 5th that mom has cancer. The weekend was a whirlwind.... the 6th was full of baking and decorating since I was throwing a Christmas party that evening. I was glad for the distraction...with a house full of people I didn't really have time for it all to sink in. On Sunday the 7th I took Jess to the airport to send her back home to MD (sad) and went to mom's house. The next several days were pretty awful. At first they thought she had ovarian cancer, so Sunday night after mom had gone to bed I decided (foolishly) to reserach ovarian cancer on my own. Boy, was that a mistake. Let's just say that life felt full of despair for quite some time, but God pulled us through. Shortly after I found out mom had cancer, I was dealing with a very difficult situation at work, I decided to switch positions in the company, and I decided to move from SC to NC...all these decisions within two weeks. While each decision only took a few words to list above, each one was full of seemingly impossible situations and I look back now and wonder how we ever made it. God is good.

To make a long story short, we found out mom actually has peritoneal cancer, which is very similiar to ovarian in symptoms and treatment. The early symptoms are common things that healthy people get frequently - backache, heartburn, weariness, etc. Things that you wouldn't associate with cancer. A late-stage symptom is the stomach filling up with fluid. This happens because the abdomen is so full of tumors that it cannot absorb fluid like it usually does, so the stomach just fills up with it. That's why peritoneal and ovarian usually have a grim prognosis....by the time it is discovered, the body is usually full of cancer. Fortunately, mom has a team of prayer warriors on her side and God seems to be healing her body. On December 19th mom started chemo, with a FANTASTIC response to the treatment. Her cancer cells are diminishing and just 2 days ago she had major surgery to remove the rest of the visible tumors. At this point, there are no visible signs of cancer in her body. whoohoooo!! Amazing, since 4 months ago there was such much cancer in her body that her stomach was full of fluid. She will go through several more rounds of chemo to be SURE that all the cancer has been removed. Be in prayer, though, because there is an 80% chance it will come back, and if it does....it's untreatable. To be honest, I really believe mom will be in the 20%. No, I'm not in denial and I'm not being naive....believe me, when this started I was convinced they were going to tell me she only had a few weeks. No, I don't have my head in the sand. It's just that I have seen how well she has responded to treatment....the doc told her surgery could not possibly have gone any better than it did and everything is the best-case-scenario so far (all things considered). I expect that in July we will be having a victory celebration on my mom's 50th birthday.

I know that I have been kinda rambling, but that's where I am and what's been going on. I hope to one day go back to Greenville as that is where many of my good friends live and I love my church there. For now, however, I am trusting that God has a plan for bringing me to NC and I am going to make the most out of it while I'm here. :) You never know what God has up His sleeve, and I've learned it's best to just trust in Him instead of trying to figure it all out on your own.

two dimes worth

2009-03-27T23:21:00.002-04:00

Why do people say what's on their mind and then add, "at least, that's my two cents." Or why do people who want to know what's on your mind ask, "penny for your thoughts?" Where did this idea of thoughts being worth pennies come from? Who knows, but if short thoughts are worth two cents, tonight I have two dimes worth. This time last year I was still 2 months away from knowing there was even a possibility of moving to SC, and since then I have moved twice. Wow. Throughout all of this, I have learned a lot of lessons. Some profound, some simple.

1) While I always have known God is in control, living and thinking like He's in control is totally different than just knowing He's in control.
2) Bad makes you appreciate good.
3) Tough times reveal solid friendships...and sometimes you're surprised who shows up when the going gets tough. You can go a year without talking to someone, but when they show up on your doorstep when you need a friend, you need to hang on to that person and let them know they are valued.
4) Extremely difficult life trials reveal your true character...and while that revelation can be scary and depressing, you can either allow your shortcomings to paralyze you and feel defeated, or you can choose to stare those shortcomings in the face and work with God to overcome them.
5) Brick walls are there for you to prove how much you want something.
6) I've learned that I have a pattern in my life of thinking "if only ______ would happen, I'd be happy."
7) Only God can bring about joy, and circumstances really have nothing to do with it.
8) Sometimes God allows us to feel lonely....while it pains Him to see us hurting, He's hoping that our loneliness will cause us to turn to Him.
9) It hurts to feel forgotten...and I realize that I often must make God feel that way when I turn to people instead of Him, when He is really the One I need to talk to most.
10) There is more significance to the fact that God made Eve from Adam's rib than I ever realized. If you're curious, ask and I'll be glad to explain :)
11) I can't base my value as a person on my job title or performance, or by how many friends I have. God made me. That makes me valuable.
12) I absolutely loved teaching high school and miss it more than I ever thought I would.
13) It's okay to be transparent. If people judge you for who you are, they really aren't the kind of people that matter. Sometimes God can use transparency to help others.
14) Everyone is fighting some kind of battle, and it isn't all about me.
15) When you are in God's will, the seemingly impossible can happen and there's a great sense of satisfaction.
16) I have OCD tendencies :) I didn't realize this until I no longer had my own place....and if I am ever going to get married and have kids, I seriously have to get over it, lol
17) I've learned that I would rather be single than married to the wrong person
18) People will often let you down, and that's okay. It's usually not intentional and we are all human and all need a helping of grace.
19) When I am annoyed because I feel slighted or wronged, thinking about Christ's grace extended to me puts it back in perspective.
20) Sometimes all I need to relax is a long drive with the windows down and the music up.
21) A bouquet of flowers can cheer up even the most dreary day...and you don't need someone else to buy them for you for them to be beautiful.
22) While little dogs are okay, I really like the big ones.
23) While I have a fierce streak of independence, it's okay to let other people take care of you sometimes. They may need to take care of you as much as you need to let them.
24) Friends who are there for you even when you are rotten reveals God's love for us. People are made in God's image....and friendship that sticks by you when you are pitiful is born in the love God has for us.
25) Facebook and texting....emails and chatting can't really replace the niceness of hearing a friends voice on the phone.
26) I really miss the lake in PA. I didn't know how much so until it was 500 miles away.
27) When I accepted the fact that my purpose here in life is not to have fun but rather to give God glory, my heart found peace. And you know what....when you get it in the right order, joy comes. Everyone thinks living for God = boring or miserable. Not true. It's not always easy, that's for sure. But when you remember your purpose, life makes more sense and peace comes.
28) God uses the hottest fire to refine His sharpest tools (thanks Karen's dad :)
29) I really, really, really love trucks :)
30) Hidden in nature are a lot of life lessons.
31) I get annoyed easily if I feel taken advantage of. I need to let it go. Sometimes this is a minute by minute choice.
32) The Holocaust Museum in DC is not a good place to have a reunion with old friends (hahaha Tammy!!!)
33) Obstacles can either be stepping stones or stumbling blocks....my Dat taught me that.
34) I don't want to be a wishy washy Christian...you know, the kind who sings God's praises when life is great and then blames Him when things go wrong. How would you feel if you had a friend who did that to you?
35) Some people say trials are because of sin. What about Job? Sure, God can use trials to teach you lessons and sometimes they are results of our wrong choices...BUT sometimes it's about something even bigger, something we can't see or understand now. It could be to prepare me for something later down the road, or to give me the opportunity to show God that I trust Him and love Him, even when it makes no sense at all and I'm tempted to feel like it's unfair.
36) Sometimes God waits to answer our prayers so that we'll continue talking to Him. Sadly, the times when we want something is often the only time we do talk to Him.

Okay, so maybe that was two dollars worth. All I know is I've been learning a lot. And while it really hasn't been all that fun, I know that ten years from now I will be grateful for all these lessons. I just hope I remember them and don't turn away from them. That's the hard part.

99 Balloons

2008-11-01T23:44:00.002-04:00

Wow, I don't even know where to start. I've been sitting here (with my big box of tissues, might I add) watching the youtube video "99 balloons" over and over. I want to throw out a word of caution....this video will make most people out there cry, and if you have recently lost a loved one (especially a child) it may be very difficult to watch. You may want to take that into consideration in choosing whether or not to watch the video. I'd like to add that, despite my disclaimer, this video is actually one of the most touching and humbling things I have ever seen. It is actually a celebration of life, a life that lasted 99 beautiful days.

You might be wondering why I would post a blog about a video that will likely make you cry. It's because I believe that God can use anything to bring Him glory, even situations that seem unbearable to us on this earth. I won't share the whole story as the youtube video does it so profoundly, but the story is about 2 parents, Matt and Ginny, who learned that their unborn child would likely not make it to birth due to medical complications. Despite the grim report, baby Eliot not only made it to birth, but he lived a beautiful life of 99 days. Before I share what lessons the Lord has taught me through Eliot, Matt, and Ginny, now would be a good time to watch this video, if you feel so led (get your tissues!).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

Incredible, huh? What an amazing story of life. What a story of unconditional love and joy, and the truth the God's glory is our ultimate purpose here in life. Do you realize the platform that Eliot, Matt, and Ginny had because of their pain? Pain gives birth to platforms. Thankfully, Matt and Ginny are using that platform to bring glory to God. What special treasures they are. I often think of Joni Erickson Tada (http://www.joniandfriends.org/). Mrs. Tada had a diving accident that left her in a wheelchair as a quadriplegic. To many, this would seem unfair and they would shake their fist at God, asking why (I think that's human nature). But look at the platform Joni has had! Her pain has given her a global platform. She now has a ministry to the disabled community and she uses her painful story to spread the Gospel to millions, an opportunity that she likely never would have had if not for her pain. I think of Kim Phuc, an amazing woman that I met and wrote about several blogs ago (Pain's Platform is the title). Her story is born from severe physical and emotional pain, but she has allowed God to use that pain to give birth to a platform that has allowed her to share the Gospel around the world. In fact, I'm sure you have seen a picture of Kim Phuc. Look her up. This week I learned of one from my church who humbled himself and is taking himself to a Christian rehab center so that he can, with God's help, conquer an alcohol addiction. God is going to do great things through Him. I know this because God already has. Even just hearing that he is taking such drastic steps to make things right in his life, my heart has already been stirred over struggles in my own life. Certainly he is going through pain. But through that pain God is giving him a platform. What an amazing help he may be one day to others who struggle with alcoholism! What a platform. And back to the story of Ginny, Matt, and Eliot ... wow. I hope that if I was in their situation I would react just like them. They displayed unconditional love and patience for their precious Eliot. They embraced each day with joy, recognizing that each moment is a gift from above and worthy to be cherished. They gave glory to God. Look at their platform! Their story has been heard all over the world. Through their blog (http://mattandginny.blogspot.com/) they have shared their faith in God. They will probably never know the eternal impact that they are allowing their Eliot to have. It makes me wonder how many times I might have missed pain's platform opportunity because I chose to become angry or bitter over a situation in my own life. What a reminder that my purpose here is to give God glory, regardless of whether or not a situation may appear good to me. I hope and pray that when I face pain, God will give me the strength to use it as a platform for His glory and praise.

There are so many other thoughts that could be shared, but I instead challenge you to ask God to speak to your heart through Eliot's life story. Even more so, I challenge you to think about another Son's life and death: God's Son. God gave His only Son, willingly, so that God Himself could spend eternity with you. Yes, God loves you so much that He wants to spend eternity with you and He gave His Son so that it would be possible. Because Jesus was sinless, He was the only one that could satisfy our sin debt because He didn't have any sin debt of His own to pay. He did that for you. Yes, you. Don't take my word for it though. Take God's Word. The story of Christ's sacrifice for us is interwoven all throughout the Bible. If you're not sure where to start, I encourage you to take a look at the book of John. If you're skeptical about whether or not the Bible can be trusted, I would challenge you to at least pray and ask God to show you in some way that He is real, and that He does love you. I realize that to some reading this, the topic of God/religion is a touchy one. You may think I'm weird for my beliefs. I'm okay with that. I have seen God's work in my life in such an amazing way, and I feel that to not share the joy I have found in my relationship in Christ would be selfish.

I know this is a funny analogy, but I used to work with kids and teens and funny/crazy analogies come with the territory :) But I look at life without Christ kind of like the cheez whiz. Yes, go ahead and laugh. I did too the first time this analogy came into my head, lol. But you know what I'm talking about, right? It's the cheese that comes in a can that we all thought was so cool at one point in time (at least if you're a product of the 80s). Anyways, I digress :) If the only type of cheese you have ever tasted in your life is cheese whiz, you probably think cheese whiz is pretty good. However, do you remember the time you first had Velveeta? After that, cheese whiz ain't lookin so good anymore, is it? Well, .....don't worry, I'm getting to my point :) To me, my life before Christ was the cheese whiz. I really thought it was all good - things were pretty great and I was just living life. But man, after I experienced God and asked Him to become an active part of my life (and namely, my Lord and Savior), my life became the velveeta. What I once thought was good now seemed nasty compared to the real thing...my life lived with Christ in it. I hope that makes sense to you, in it's own funny way. My greatest desire to see others come to know Christ in a personal way. I'm so thankful for people like Kim Phuc, Matt and Ginny, and many others who allow God to use situations that seem hopeless to bring Him glory.

Life is the Coffee

2008-10-12T20:23:00.003-04:00

I know a wonderful Christian counselor in Hanover, PA ...in fact, when I was trying to figure out if I really wanted to be a counselor, Ann let me shadow her for a day in her clinic. That day changed my life, and whenever I feel like giving up on school I think about Ann and her wonderful ministry ....and ultimately the life she lives for Christ and it inspires me to keep going.

Every Sunday an email pops up in my account from Ann. It's her weekly devotional and you can sign up for it here: http://www.ccesonline.com/

Anyways, I ended up exploring north Greenville today and fell in love with the area. I'm still not entirely sure where I was, but I do know it was North and/or West of Furman .... regardless, it was the first place I've been since living in SC that I felt like I back home in PA. It was beautiful rolling hills with farms and manicured lawns, with mountains in the distance. It was so beautiful, and I felt like it helped my soul breathe. I love being a place where you can stop and enjoy the outdoors....take an afternoon nap in a hammock under the trees or sit outside at night and see endless stars. While I don't think it's bad to dream, I do think it's dangerous ground when your dreaming makes you discontent - which is exactly what happened to me tonight. I started wishing that my life was different in some ways, and I realized that I was becoming discontent with what God has given me now. Well, God sure is funny because I came home from my 3 hour drive and turned on the computer to check email. The first email was the following devotional from Ann:

Acts 17:24-25The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth . . . He himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. (NIV)I don’t know who wrote the following story, but it holds a great truth for us all . . .“A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee.“When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering. ‘You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, it is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems.’“He continued, ‘Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, yet you instinctively went for the best one. Then you began eyeing each other’s cups.“Now consider this: Life is the coffee and jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain life. The type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided for us. You see, God brews the coffee, but He does not supply the cups. Those choices are up to us. Enjoy your coffee!’ “–Author UnknownHeavenly Father, help me to always be mindful of the fact that You have given me life and what I make of it is up to me. Help me to make choices that will lead to fulfilling the purpose you for which you have designed me, but let me never get caught up in things that would detract from enjoying life with You.

©Copyright Ann Shorb, 2008*Scripture taken from The HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Today I really feel like I live in SC

2008-10-10T17:10:00.002-04:00

Since moving here, today is the first day that it really struck me I live in the South. I was in the small town of Central, SC and came to the THREE WAY STOP in the center of town....yeah, the WHOLE town. So here I am in this cute, small town and I passed the town's baseball field, crossed the railroad tracks, and came to the stop sign. At the sign was this old man with a long white beard in an old, OLD Ford pickup truck. It made me think of the movie sweet home alabama - like it was what I always pictured the south would be like. So then when I got home I went to get my mail and passed my neighbors house, only to hear really loud country music - not the kind of country music they have in MD, but the kind they have in SC. Yes, there is a difference. It sounded like they were having a hoedown over there .... and to top it off, tomorrow I am going to Pickens to the pumpkinfest. Yes, .......yes I do live in the South. It has finally hit me.

A bunch of randomness

2008-10-01T23:19:00.003-04:00

I have so many weird feelings going on lately. The one that has surprised me the most is anger...and you can add to that bitterness. I realized tonight that I have a big chip on my shoulder. I'm not really too sure how it got there, but it's there ...that part I'm sure of. I was trying to figure out where it came from - and not to sound all psychoanalytical or anything, but I think it's misplaced frustration. I am in a very VERY frustrating and angering situation right now...I won't bore you with the details, but I have been treated very wrongly and unfairly, and those who know what's going on have deemed it "bullied"... but due to the circumstances there isn't anything I can do about it. I have always been someone to speak my mind, and not being able to is making me frustrated and I dont know what to do with this. When I say speak my mind, I dont mean going around telling people off or anything like that - in fact, I think overall I can be pretty tactful. When I say speak my mind, I mean sitting down with a person and clearing the air. In fact, I can't rest when there's a conflict between me and someone else. I don't welcome conflict, but I don't shy away from it either. I learned a long time ago that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. I am okay with people not agreeing with me, but I like to come to that place where we agree to disagree.
Lately, I have had to daily lay this situation before the Lord....in fact, it seems like it's become an hourly chore. I have prayed that the Lord would help me see myself as a servant. I heard a life philosophy once that I love ... "a leader must think of himself as a servant, so that when he is treated as a servant he will act and react like a servant." How true. Even Christ came as a servant. I keep telling myself that if He turned the other cheek, than I need to do the same. Usually I tell myself that and I quickly get over what's got me riled up. But it's not working this time and I don't know why. Maybe it's because this situation is constantly in my face. Maybe it's because my frustration is valid ... everyone who knows this situation agrees that it's ridiculous and absurd. So, in a way I feel like I have righteous anger. But....then I think of all the times I have needed grace and God has freely given it. Mentally I know I need to grant grace...I could never give more grace than I have received. But the passionate side of me that gets all riled up won't step aside.... I feel like it would feel so good to tell this person exactly how I feel and what I think of them, but I know that afterwards I would regret it and be disappointed in myself. I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I've always heard that anger tends to be something men struggle with more than women. I can honestly say that up until this point I have not experienced this type of anger. I have been angry and experienced moments of anger, but not a long drawn-out thing like this. I have come to the conclusion that this is some sort of spiritual exercise in self-discipline and turning the other cheek. I'm not saying turn the other cheek and not hold people accountable, but I do not need to retaliate. It's just so hard to continually be fake nice. I have never been good at actling like something I'm not. If I don't like something and I feel strongly about it, I'm not going to shout it to the world or necessarily even say that I don't like it - but I'm also not going to be sugary sweet and fake nice or happy.
I think that's why I'm so frustrated. My hands are tied and all I really can do is continue to exercise my smile muscle and speak calmly. It's hard, very hard. I have continually been asking the Lord to help me have the right responses and for wisdom in the words I speak. There have been times I have purposefully gone out of my way to be nice to this indivdual and it's so hard when I feel like it keeps getting thrown back into my face.
Wow, I just had a thought. This is why I write when I feel strong emotions - it helps me sort it out. As I wrote that last paragraph I started thinking about all the times God has been kind to me a nd I've continued to turn around and hurt Him. It's not unusual for me to do something, thinking I know this is hurting God but I do it anyway. Yet He continually loves me. Maybe the key to this whole thing is to keep focusing on the cross and what Christ did for me despite what I deserved. I love the feeling of knowing I have been given grace. It's amazing how when you think of Christ's sacrifice and shed blood on the cross, you feel that inward rebuke in your heart where you just feel humbled. God is the One who has a right for righteous anger. Me? I think I need to stand up for what's right and defend those who can't defend themselves, but I don't need to be angry in my heart. Oh Lord please help me!!!!

Sigh, so anyways, lol ... I found an open training position today that I am going to apply for. I feel weird thinking of leaving my company. I've only been there two years but it's been so good to me. I think, though, that if I don't apply for this job I will always wonder. It'd allow me to stay in SC and the pay range is about the same. A great thing about this training job is it isn't tied to sales in any way, so it'd be a lot less stressful than the training job I had at Phoenix. so, yup, I'm going to apply for it and see what happens! If you are reading this, just pray God will give me direction and peace throughout this whole process.

wow life goes fast

2008-09-26T19:16:00.003-04:00

Today I found out that as of August 31st of next year I will not have a job. Honestly, I'm not too surprised that our contract didn't get renewed, but it's still a little scary having an uncertain future. I just left a secure job in the NE to come here to SC...and now I find this out. In a sense, it's a relief, but at the same time it's a burden. Don't get me wrong - God has been so good and I AM SO THANKFUL for this job ...I am so blessed!! It's just a whole bunch of mixed feelings right now.

So, anyways, they were explaining the severance packages to us and it's based upon longevity with the company (no surprise there). I was just amazed as I sat there and realized that it really hasn't been that long since I've started working here. I was hired in Feb 07, and since then I have been promoted twice, traveled the entire NE, and relocated to SC. On top of that, today I booked plane tickets for a flight to Phoenix for business...a new place I've never been, what fun! But I started thinking about where I was this time last year. This time last year I had just had my first 6 month review and I was still an enrollment counselor - CRAZY! Four days short of my 1 year anniversary with the company, I was promoted to be a Northeast training manager (feb 08). Then, in July of 08 I moved to SC to become an enrollment manager. And now, here I am in September, only a year and 8 months after the start of my employment with Apollo Group realizing HOW MUCH has happened in the past 20 months! I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me by allowing me to work for such an amazing company. It has enabled me to do so many things in my young single years that I would have never been able to do otherwise. I've been able to see all the major cities of the Northeast.....I've had the priviledge of staying in fancy hotels and bed and breakfasts, and eating at nice restaurants. I've enjoyed training new employees and watching them grow and develop into leaders and life-changers. I've been able to move to an entirely new part of the country and explore new places and settle into a new, slower pace of life. I can now go see my family on weekends if I want, and I have made many wonderful friends. On top of all that, I get a 19% discount on my phone bill - BEAT THAT! :) The benefits here at this company are great, and it just saddens me to realize that it might all come to an end.

I do trust that God has a plan. I'm already working on networking with some people to get into a different office down here in SC so that I can stay with Apollo and stay in SC. But, God may have something else for me .....He has a plan, and I'm glad that I can rest in that. In the meantime, the thought of losing what I have now has made me gain a greater appreciation for it. I trust He will guide my steps throughout the next 11 months and beyond. If you have read this far, thanks, and maybe you could pray that God will open up another training position for me with Apollo Group. So far that has been my favorite job with the company and I'd love to be a trainer again. Overall, just pray that God will direct my steps and that I will be sensitive to His voice...and that I'll listen to it when I hear it :)

Through His Eyes

2008-08-26T00:13:00.002-04:00

I wonder what Christ thinks of our world today. In our world of technology and missed appointments, we are often in such a rush that we don't really see what's around us. How often have we rushed down the street and not looked around us and into the faces of those who pass by? I would venture to say many of them would look downtrodden and heavy with the weight of their world. There are so many people walking around feeling alone. Today there are more networking tools and gadgets and gizmos that are supposed to make us connected to the world...I think that, instead, they have isolated us and given us a false sense of knowing someone. You can go online and read all about a person and then pass by them in reality and hardly say 2 words to each other. I've learned that there are a lot of fake happy people out there. We put on a front to the world, display bright smiles and tell funny jokes to bring about laughter, but at the core of a lot of people there's pain and hurt, and a longing for someone to actually care. Truly care. To look beyond the facade and care what's there.

Why are we so afraid to have these types of relationships? Is it because we're scared of what people will think? What if the person you honked your horn at just had their husband leave them? What if the person next to you on the plane is headed home for a funeral?

I recognize that not everyone is an open book, nor are there always opportunities reach out to everyone you pass by .... but what if we determined to treat everyone as though they mattered and what they were feeling and thinking was important? That could even be as simple as holding the door and smiling into someone's eyes as you are on your way tomorrow. It could be picking up the coin the lady in front of you in the line at the grocery store dropped. It could be asking your coworker how they are and actually sticking around to hear the answer. I pray that we would have more compassion for others.... that was the mark of Christ. No matter where He was, He cared. When He was tired, discouraged, .... He reached out. The power of kindness can go a long way. You just never know what people are going through.

I think Brandon sums it up quite nicely:

Give Me Your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide whats underneath
Theres a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
Hes out of work
Hes buying time
Are those people going somewhere?
Why have I never cared?

Ive Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

(Brandon Heath, Give Me Your Eyes)

Captured

2008-08-24T00:21:00.002-04:00

Some meaningful words to hear this evening ...

I heard your echo in the canyon
upon the timberline
You said these mountains were your invention
And so was this heart of mine

I heard you whisper on the water,
there on the mighty sea
You spoke of love deep as the ocean
When You spoke of Your love for me

I am loved by the Father
I am loved by the Son
It is love that has captured
The heart of this wayward one

I heard your laughter in the sunrise,
amidst the morning birds
A song of freedom for all creation
And you sang me every word

I heard you singing in the silence,
a simple melody
Words of love,
O I can hear it......

My Father is very fond of me!

from the Chris Tomlin album The Noise We Make

chasing butterflies

2008-08-21T17:48:00.004-04:00

Today has truly been a great day. I enjoyed doing some reading and writing in a cute little cafe downtown Greenville, and then I went next store to the pet store and played with two golden retrievers for awhile .... I just love dogs. After awhile, I ventured down to Falls Park to take some pictures. I truly enjoyed myself and got some great shots, but I walked away with a lesson. As I was walking down the path towards the stream, a bright orange butterfly fluttered around me. I immediately stopped and took out my camera to try to capture it's beauty, but it was moving too fast for me to get a picture. For the next 20 minutes, I did nothing but chase the butterfly, trying to get the perfect picture. I never did.... I left the park with lots of pictures of trees, flowers, leaves, other things....but not the butterfly. There was even one point where it flew right up to me and almost touched me and then it hovered there for what seemed like a few seconds, and then it flew off. I was so busy trying to get my camera out and turned on that I didn't really see it, even though it was right there.

As I left the park, I was thinking what a life lesson this taught me. You know, for 20 minutes I had what I consider one of life's prettiest creatures travel with me through the park. But the truth is that I was so distracted by trying to capture the moment, that I didn't sit still and simply enjoy it. I left without really having a good look at the butterfly because everytime it came near, I was trying to see it through the lens of my camera. It just makes me think about other situations in life. How often do I not see what God is showing me because I'm trying to look at life through my own lens? When have there been times that I've tried so hard to serve Him, that I forgot to sit still and really actually see Him, soak Him in?

I think there are some moments that are best enjoyed sitting still and remembered through the lens of your memory rather than the lens of your camera.

Missing Home

2008-08-18T22:19:00.003-04:00

I have to say it. I miss Maryland. :( I have been so busy down here in SC that I hadn't really had time to process all the changes. Now my house is unpacked, I'm in the swing of work, and routine is setting in. Now that I have some down time, I'm realizing how much I miss Maryland and the life I had there. I had an awesome group of friends, a cute little house, a fantastic roommate, and endless choices of how to spend my evening living in such a populated area. I could go to DC on a whim, check out a great coffee shop in Annapolis, go out with friends on the water, head up to the lake in PA....endless. I am really going to miss it this fall...I LOVE the fall up north! It's so fun to hop in your car and go for a drive and happen upon a stand where you can buy pumpkins and fresh cider. Last year I went on a 5 hour trip to only end up back in my driveway :) I drove up to my old hometown in PA and drove and drove and drove on the back country roads, and just breathed in the fresh air and soaked in the beautiful scenery. I love being bundled up on a cool, crisp night and smelling the fall air. Of course, I miss the lake. There's a place at the lake that I always go when I have to make a big decision or just need to clear my head and think. I really miss that spot. I'm convinced there's no place quite as beautiful as my hometown in PA.

My friend Tammy came down to visit me this weekend, and we were talking about old times and what we used to do...it just really hit me that I have moved on. I just up and left the 3 hour radius that I have lived my whole life. I always thought it would be fun, and it is....there is something really great about starting new somewhere and getting to know an entirely new group of people in an entirely new setting and new pace of life. And as much as I'd like to say it's all pure adventure and new opportunities, there's a part of me that is grieving what I left behind. There's something to be said about hopping in your car and knowing that special place to drive when you're stressed out. It's great knowing which mechanic won't rip you off, and which neighborhood has the best Christmas lights display at Christmastime. It's fun being able to go to the little corner shop that you remember going to when you were a little kid or running into old friends at the store because you have always lived in the same general area.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in Greenville :) I don't yet feel like I'm at home yet, but that's not too surprising considering I've only been here six weeks. I have met some great new friends and gotten closer to friends that I have known for a long time but never lived near. If you consider that home is where your friends and family are (thus, where your heart is), than I am home. There is just a part of me that is missing the past ....I tried to ignore it for a little while because I thought that it would mean I wasn't grateful or appreciative, or embracing this wonderful time of change in my life. I think what I'm feeling is a normal human reaction to great change. I have changed jobs, churches, homes, states, left behind friends and family .... I think I just need to allow myself to be sad and get it over with.

I'm excited to see what God is going to do with me here in Greenville. I don't know if this is where He wants me for a year, 10 years, or a lifetime. But my comfort is found in knowing that God ordered my steps and brought me here, and because of that, I know great things are in store for my future. I recognize and accept that it will not always be easy, for in hard times it is often that we grow the most and learn to trust in God more. It is such a comfort to know that God is always there, no matter where we are. Maybe I should pray He will start directing me to new things that couldn't replace the old things, but enrich my life here and help me grow to love SC as much, if not more, than I did Maryland.

:) God is good.

dust speaking

2008-08-14T00:16:00.006-04:00

Wow ....wow, wow, and wow. I am sitting here in my living room in Greenville, SC. The wow's were a result of thinking about typing that sentence. I can't believe I live here! It's amazing how quickly God moves. I remember the night I wrote that last blog entry like it was yesterday...I can still picture all my friends and I sitting on the leather couches talking about our lives and how we all were feeling yucky, and now here I am in Greenville and I've been here for the last 5 weeks. I'm amazed at how quickly I have come to feel like I am "home." Maybe it's because I have visited so often, maybe because some of my dearest loved ones are here, or maybe it's because I am finally living in the slower-paced atmosphere I have longed for for so long. Or maybe it's because I'm convinced I am right where God wants me :) I have no idea what His plans are for me here, or whether or not I will be here for a long time, but I have learned to take each moment for what it is and relish it, and live within the realization that my life is but a short vapor. I will have to write the story of how all this came to be, but right now something else is on my mind.

One reason I moved .....well, there really are just so many reasons, but just one of them is I knew I needed a change. I felt suffocated and stagnant in MD (spiritually speaking). I knew I needed a big change or I was going to get stuck in a rut ....I just didn't realize the change would be moving with a 10 day notice :) So, I decided to jump in right away upon arriving in Greenville. I started visiting North Hills, which I had attended before with my friend Stephen Sprunger .... I remember going there about 5 years ago wishing that I had a church like that where I lived, ....funny how it works out, huh? Anyways, I know habits form early, and I wanted to get involved in a Bible study right away. I happened upon one that is studying the concept of trusting God, and we are working rom a book written by Jerry Bridges. The topic of trusting God is big in my life right now, and I'm not sure that I know quite how to put it into words.

I think I'm in this moment of being in awe of God. I'm also in a moment of uncertainty...which is why this is hard to put into words. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around God's love and grace towards me and that He has a plan, despite my own human self. One reason I like this book is that it integrates Scripture all throughout...which, in my opinion, is the way it should be. Well, my biggest struggle is to believe that God will bless us despite our sin...and even as I write it, I feel like I disagree with myself, but then I wrestle with grasping his justice. I know God blesses us despite our sin. In fact, all any of us deserve is eternity in hell, so even if we live the most difficult life here on earth, we are still blessed to have a way to Heaven (through Christ's shed blood on our behalf). So, of course God blesses us despite our sin. The reason for my struggle is that I feel like in the past 2 years or so, I have been unsure of what God wants for me, and it all started with my decision for grad school. It's a long story that I won't go into, but I just haven't been sure I'm where I'm supposed to be. Other people on the outside will tell me how it seems so obvious that God put me at UOP and that He was using me there (and maybe that was His plan all along), but I wasn't convinced of it. I feel like God used the circumstances I put my own self in for His own good, but my fear is that I missed out on what He REALLY wanted for me and now I can never make it right. Was I supposed to go to PA for grad school back in 06? Because I didn't, did I completely alter my entire future? Or was I actually in God's will all along? I just don't know.

It's not that I doubt that God CAN, it's that I doubt that He WILL. I constantly struggle with balancing God's grace and God's justice in my mind. If God is just, I deserve punishment for my mistakes/sin, but if God is gracious, I will be spared that. Like the prodigal son, ....he left home .....did lots of bad stuff....came home, and his family welcomed him back and even threw a party. But, he still lost his inheritance and had consequences for his actions. He was shown grace by being forgiven and welcomed back into fellowship, but justice by still having consequences. There are specific, certain areas in my life that I feel like I have failed and therefore, it's not that God CAN'T bless me, but I'm struggling to accept that He will still bless me. Although, I don't deserve any blessings anyways...do you see why I am up typing this out?!

I know I sound like I'm talking in a big circle. It was cool tonight though...I have been randomly testing out coffee shops all over Greenville trying to find one with the perfect chair for thinking, writing, and reading. I have yet to find that perfect chair, but tonight I tested out the corner chair in Spill the Beans with the nice comfy footrest. It was the best one so far. While there, I was filling out the workbook for our Bible study. While I was thinking all the above thoughts and reading Scripture, I was struggling to just let God love and bless me. I think I'm harder on myself than He is. It is always so cool when God puts a verse in your mind that you haven't thought about in awhile, and you know it's Him speaking to you in that moment. He made me think about Ps. 103:10-14:

"He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our traansgressions from us. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frame, he remembereth that we are dust."

The entire 103rd chapter is amazing, you should go read it. But this reminds me of when I taught high school. I always wanted the kids to know that regardless of what they did, I wanted what was best for them and once the discipline was over, it was OVER. No more brining it up again, it was to be as though it never happened. If I want that for my kids and I'm a human, I have to believe that God wants that for me, and even more. Just like the passages above, he remembers that I am dust and that I will make mistakes. To think that He would not bless us because we make mistakes just doesn't sound like his character. I think it's a lie Satan feeds us. Besides, when we can give testimony of God's grace towards us despite our own selves, it brings Him glory.

And you know what, even if I do have unfavorable consequences for my own choices, the freedom from Hell is more than I even deserve in the first place.

missing loved ones

2008-05-11T13:21:00.004-04:00

I really miss my family :( Today is mother's day, and I know my family down in NC is going out for lunch this afternoon and I'm sitting all alone in my house writing this blog - right after I got back from church where there were a lot of families ....after church I heard several making dinner plans. It makes me think of all those today and many other days who also miss their loved ones....maybe because they are no longer here on this earth, or they live far away...maybe there are broken relationships. The family is such a central part of life, and it really stinks to live so far away from them. I don't know for sure that I see myself living in NC, either....which is part of why I wish I could just turn back time! I miss the time when my whole family used to live in one area. I hate going to the lake and having to make it a day trip because I don't have a place to sleep in my own hometown. I hate being alone all the time. The Lord has blessed me with a fun job with lots of great people I like, as well as many good friends. But somehow it still seems as though I come home to an empty house all the time and have learned that I am my own companion.
I feel like I'm always waiting......for what, I don't know. Waiting to move, waiting to meet someone, waiting to get my masters......just waiting. I feel like the past year and a half my life has been one big pause. I feel like I'm looking at a big huge mountain right in front of me, and until I climb it everything is on hold, but I don't know HOW to climb the mountain or even who to ask for help. I also have a sneaky suspicion that on the other side of the mountain is another one.... pessimistic, I know. It just seems like life is moving on for everyone around me, but I'm in this spot where nothing is happening. I like my job, but it's not what I want to do forever. I need to continue working on my masters, but I lack the motivation despite the fact I know I need it for what I want to do, I would like to get married someday and have children, but as I type that the thought of giving up independence is scary and I'm just not sure I'd ever meet someone that really understood me anyways.
I don't know what is going on with me. I just know I miss feeling loved and important, ....and although I know God loves me and finds me important - and I know "that should be enough," right now I'm just not feeling it. I just feel sad all the time.
I dunno ..... I am trying to keep all of life in perspective. I have so much to be grateful for. I have a good family who I know loves me and wishes I could be with them right now. I have many friends, even though most do not live here .....I know that they are out there in the world and that they love me too. I don't know why God is allowing me to struggle with this so much lately. I used to love going out all the time and being around people - but lately I find myself just wanting to be home, and it's mostly because I have been so sad lately that I'm afraid if I hang around others my sadness will dampen their day, so it's better to just stay at home. I'm trying to persevere and praise God even during this time, because maybe that's the whole point. It's easy to praise God when life is roses, but praising Him when the feelings aren't there is pleasing to Him. Jesus felt alone many times, and I know He can relate right now. But I feel like I have put up a wall between myself and Him.....which is one of the mountains I don't know how to climb. It just all seems hopeless.
But God has given me this breath, this life, for a reason. I intend to keep on keeping on, and count my blessings even though that doesn't seem so easy right now. I also want to think about other's pain and help them through their sadness - that is often the cure for your own.

Pain's Platform

2008-04-16T20:28:00.008-04:00

Kim Phuc, the girl running naked in the middle of this picture, has endured ENORMOUS pain. I had the opportunity to meet her this past Sunday, as she shared her painful story with my church. She's running naked because the firebombs that were just dropped on her village during the Veitnam War burned off all of her clothes as she was running to escape the flames. Her skin has third degree burns, and soon after this picture was taken, she passed out from pain...the only part of her that didn't burn was her feet, which allowed her the opportunity to run. The others in the picture are her brothers, cousins....family. Off to the right and just out of the frame of this picture is whom I believe Kim said is her aunt, who is carrying a little boy whose skin is actually hanging off of his body because it was burned off. What HORRIBLE pain. Not just physical, but emotional. Take a minute and google "Kim Phuc" ....see how well known she has become. The heart-wrenching picture above has actually won a Pulitzer Prize, which resulted in many coming to know the name Kim Phuc. I can't even begin to describe to you the emotions I went through as I sat there and listened to her describe her life story...she has been through multiple surgeries as a result of the burns, lost several family members, her home, ..and later, her freedom when the gov't of her country decided to control her every move and had people watch her 24 hours a day as a result of her face being the face of the war. I could share more of her story, but I know I could not do it justice. But the biggest thing that struck me was her platform. All of that pain has given her a platform for Christ. She has been on the Oprah show, met Queen Elizabeth...she even asked one of our world's kings if he knew whether he'd go to heaven or hell when he died. What a platform! See, she never would have had the platform had it not been for her pain. She's able to share the message of forgiveness...God's love, God's strength and grace, and it's all because pain's platform.

It made me think about friends and family, myself....the pains we go through. God has reasons for it and even though it's so incredibly difficult to understand, God still wants us to use those pains for His glory. Maybe you beat yourself up for bad choices you've made in your past - do you realize what a platform you have? Have you fought the battle with drugs? stealing? Addiction? ...do you realize the audience you have? If someone wants to overcome drugs - they're going to want to talk to YOU, and it's BECAUSE of those past bad choices and pains that you can relate! Maybe you've had bad things happen to you, through no fault of your own. While it's so hard to understand, realize what a blessing it can be! I think of Joni Erikson Tada who has an incredible ministry and is well known - and it's because she's paralyzed! If it weren't for that, many lives would not have been touched and hearts given over to Christ.

I'm sure when Kim, Joni, and others (and you) went through the pain, they never would have thought about the platform that would go with it. It's amazing to think that God's hand was in that horrible day....He didn't cause the bombs, He wouldn't have wanted them, but He wants to use even them at that day to bring Him glory. Think about how long Kim had to wait to finally see what God wanted from all of it....almost 20 years went by before her platform was ready for her. But man....imagine if when she was in the hospital wishing she wasn't alive because of the pain...imagine if only she knew what God had in store for her. I bet He smiled down on her ....through tears...and willed her to hold on, knowing the good things that would come as a result. We need to remember God sees all time, and just trust Him when things make no sense. You never know what might REALLY be going on and the opportunities that might arise to impact eternity.
Don't forget....pain has a platform. Ask God to help you see the eternal perspective. "Life is just a picture, see outside the frame."
...Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.
(Philippians 1:18-26)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.(2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

match.com and panera bread

2008-04-06T17:12:00.002-04:00

Today is really cold and rainy - just the perfect day for a good book and the leather couch that sits beside the fireplace at Panera Bread! I love just sitting there watching people. I was sitting by the fireplace and a nice man came up and we started chatting..he first talked about how it was the perfect day to sit by the fireplace and then we started making small talk...then I went back to my book and he started in on his newspaper. I noticed he wasn't totally into the newspaper, because he kept looking at his watch and glancing around. I was trying to imagine who he might be waiting for - was it his wife, kids, long time friend? Time would tell...well, after about 45 minutes, a really pretty lady came up who had the same kindness about her that the man did...they welcomed each other and then he got up to get her some coffee. I was thinking how they really were the perfect couple - something about them just went together. They both were extremely friendly ....after he got up, she said the same exact sentence to me about the fireplace that he did, and I told her about it. Her eyes lit up and said how funny that was because they just met for the first time! They "met" through match.com and decided to finally meet in person. She quickly told me how nervous she was but then we changed the subject because he was coming back over... I delved back into my book to give them privacy, but it was fun to glance over every now and then and see how happy they looked to be together. Later, he got up again and the lady again was telling me all about him and he she thought he was soooooo handsome - it was really adorable share in her excitement! Later we all three were talking....I learned that he was from CA and just moved out here for his job in September...and also that he thought Maryland didn't have very good bread, lol. Which is what brought him to Panera... she has lived in Glen Burnie her whole life, but has been to CA many times, and she has a daughter who also loves to read. I also found out that they both believe in God and went to church right around the corner from my house.
I also noticed another couple walking in at about this time....they looked like they were in about their 60s and were so obviously in love. It was just the little things about them...how he put his hand on her back when they were wallking through the restaurant, the way he held the door for her, and just treated her like she was something special.
Something about sitting there today warmed my heart.... it's so special to watch people who are in love. I think everyone longs for that type of relationship. I know that I do someday. However, I think that right now God is trying to teach me to find my sole satisfaction in Him ... He is in Whom I should find my self-worth and value. He is the One capable of a love greater than any human affection. Human relationships are just a picture of God's relationship to us, at least they are supposed to be.
I hope that one day I can be the one with the one I love and have someone watching us, thinking how sweet it is. Until then, I will enjoy being a daughter of the King and take notice of all the ways He showers His love down on me.

A trial? GOOD!!!

2008-03-23T23:43:00.001-04:00

Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how I feel. But it got your attention right?
:)
One thing I always struggle with is why God allows certain things to happen. I think we all do. I think of godly people who pass away "too early," people who have cancer, broken homes, fires destroying a chuch building, etc. ... I know in my own life I look at some of my trials and I think "oh ... God allowed me through that so I can be a better counselor and understand more things...relate to more people" Sometimes that is the only reason I can come up with to "justify" some of what life has dished out. But then I think ... couldn't God just make it so no one had to go through "bad things" - then I wouldn't have to relate to anyone. Basically, what's the point behind all this hard life stuff? Follow me?
Anyways, tonight I was reading Hebrews 11, the "faith chapter." I have some big decisions to make tomorrow, so I decided to take my Bible and pen and paper and make a list of all the things that were accomplished by faith (I REALLY need faith right now!) Wow....I came up with quite a list. If you have a Bible and look at verse 4 and following, you will find a list of all these amazing accomplishments. I'll list some of them. But first, keep in mind this isn't anywhere near all the things God has done. I often wonder what happened that was never recorded in the Bible? Cool to think about. Please don't rush through the list - think about the impact each event made in our history.
Enoch never died; Noah built the ark and basically saved the human race and all the animals; Abraham went to the Promised Land, then later offered his own son as a sacrifice, believing God would somehow save his son; Sara had kids; Moses feared God more than man; people passed through the Red Sea on DRY LAND (my favorite); Jerhico's walls fell down; people were raised to life; kingdom's were subdued, lions' mouths were closed .... this list seems unending. Wow! God really rewards those who have faith!!! Right ..... ???
But wait...
Then I kept reading. uhmmm.... God?
In the middle of verse 35, the tone changed. Now, those who have faith are tried, mocked, scourged, imprisoned, stoned, "sawn asunder" (anyone know what that means? please enlighten me!! :) tempted, killed, afflicted, and tormented. That's just to name a few. Doesn't that seem backwards? They had faith - and this is what happens to them? Kind of like what I said earlier - cancer takes a loved one, a family falls apart. How is this a reward for faith?
But wow ... God speaks of those people, the people who endure enormous trial, and say, "Of whom the world was not worthy..." It's like those people are special treasures. A step above the rest. It also says that they "obtained a good report through faith." You see, when we can trust God and have faith when He chooses to take home a loved one that we have endlessly prayed for - THAT is faith. It may make no sense to us. It may feel like the opposite of all that is fair, just, and earned through prayer. But the truth is, when you can have faith in those difficult situations - you obtain a good report. You obtain a reward so special that God is going to wait to give it to you so He can give it to you personally in Heaven. God sees so much faith potential in you, and knows the only way to bring it out is trial.
It's wonderful to see faith panned out - when you pray that the Lord would heal your relative's cancer, and He does. But when you pray, and God doesn't heal your relative - it's so easy to get mad and blame God. Wonder why He has helped others but doesn't seem to be helping you. But God is in control. And remembering that even when all seems wrong, that is a special faith.
I am no expert on trials. I'm no expert on God. He is far too big, far too great, and far too infinitely wise for me to even begin to understand why He does what He does. I cant understand or relate to every circumstance, and I certainly can't reason why He allows certain things to happen. All I know is that He says all things work together for good to those that love Him.
I can say that God taught me tonight that when we have faith when a situation seems senseless and confusing, God sees that. God rewards that. It is the empitome of humbleness on our part - to say that God knows better how to control my life than I do.
When trials come, I find it easy to either run FROM God or run TO God. I fervently pray that I will always run TO God. He is so worthy of our trust. Let's learn to give it!

9/21/06

Freezing required....

2008-03-23T23:39:00.004-04:00

I was listening to a weather report today and they were talking about our unusually warm weather ... they mentioned a concern for certain flowers common to the area - unless they freeze in the winter, they won't flourish in the summer.
It's funny how God made nature so reflective of our lives. Have you ever noticed how in order to grow, we have to go through the hard times? If you want muscles, you have to strength train ... right now at work I'm having to develop a lot of new skills to be successful - I need to be more assertive, listen better, be able to tell people what they need to hear sometimes in a very blunt way ... it's a challenge right now to work on those things - but these challenging and "frozen" times are what's going to help me grow into a better person.
How true in our spiritual lives. Sometimes God has to allow us to go through dark trials to help us flourish. If life was easy, we'd likely depend on ourselves and not Him. We all need to be "frozen" every now and then. Push through, and grow!

1/4/07

humbling...

2008-03-23T23:39:00.003-04:00

I got this letter in a forward email...I dont usually read those, but this one really got my attention. Very humbling.

Dear Friend:How are you? I just had to send you this letter to tell you how much I love and care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends. I waited all day, hoping you would talk to Me also.As evening drew near, I gave you a sunset to close your day and a coolbreeze to rest you, and I waited. You never came. Oh yes, it hurt Me, but I still love you because I am your friend.I saw you fall asleep last night, and I longed to touch your brow, so Ispilled moonlight upon your pillow and face. Again I waited, wanting to rush down so we could talk. I have so many gifts for you. You awakened late and rushed off for the day... My tears were in the rain. Today you looked so sad, so alone. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let Me down and hurt Me many times too, but I loveyou. I try to tell you in the quiet green grass; I shout it to you in the colors of the flowers. I shout it to you in the mountain streams, and give the birds love songs to sing. I clothe you with warm sunshine and perfume the air.
My love for you is deeper than oceans and bigger than the biggest want or need you have. I know how hard it is on earth, I really know (because I was there), and I want to help you. My Father wants to help you too. He's that way, you know. Just call Me, ask Me, talk to Me. It is your decision. I have chosen you, and because of this I will wait... Because I love you.Your friend, Jesus

What people think about Christians

2008-03-23T23:38:00.004-04:00

I've just been thinking about this for a few days ... sometimes I dont like the way Christians get categorized. At times, it seems to be based on all the wrong things. It gets all mixed up and backwards.
Someone asked me the other day if I was a "churchy" girl ... church is not what my faith is about. It's about having a relationship with God. Church is something goes along with that, but it doesn't define my faith. Christianity is not a set of rules or a list of good deeds. It's simply a relationship with God. It's realizing who He is, and in response to that, THAT is why I go to church and do what I do ....not the other way around. Don't get the cart before the horse... Doing good things or going to church does not make someone a Christian. A personal relationship with God is what makes someone a Christian. As a result of that personal relationship, it should motivate us to do what God has asked us to do....just like you would try to honor what your loved ones want from you so you can maintain that close relationship.
God made the awesome stars in the sky, the colors of the sunset, the beach that I love so much, ...He made each of us in His own unique design. Sometimes we get so caught up in the rat race of life that we forget to stop and think about where we came from and what God has done for us - God put us on this earth for a purpose. And as if all that wasn't enough, He sent His Son to die for us so we could spend eternity with Him in Heaven. Wow... that's what my faith is about. I'm not at all a "perfect Christian" ...I am so very far from it. But realizing how far I am from perfect just makes me more in awe of God's unconditional love.
Yes, going to church is part of my relationship with God - it's where I go to fellowship with other Christians and to learn more about Him. Christianity isn't something that should be an act performed on Sunday mornings from 9-11am. While I suppose being seen as a "churchy" girl isn't a bad thing, I hope people see beyond that and see what it's really all about and stop getting it turned around all backwards.

Waiting to reach my goals

2008-03-23T23:38:00.001-04:00

It's so hard to wait. I'm definitely not an expert on patience. However, I AM an expert on IMPATIENCE ...I could probably teach a class on it.
I do enjoy my new job .... I am SO thankful the Lord provided such a great job for me. It is in the "counseling" realm I guess you could say. I'm working as an enrollment counselor for a college ... in that, I do find out all about people's lives and it's so great to see them go back to school. It will make such a big difference in their lives! The thing is, I keep thinking how much BETTER it would be to tell them about the Lord instead of telling them about how a degree would change their life. The degree will only help their life on earth ... not what comes after. However, I do know beyond any shadow of a doubt that God put me there and I believe that He will help me find ways to use it as a ministry tool.
I'm just so ready to be done with school and working as a "real" counselor. The sad thing is, I haven't even started my first class - lol. I have the stuff I need, I just need the time to get going. With my new job I usually dont get home until 7ish and it is very demanding. I miss the days of working with kids ... I love seeing a little kid learn something new, especially when it's something about God and their face lights up. I love telling a fatherless child that God is their Father - far better than an earthly father could ever be. I miss having little kids give me pictures and I have to hold my breath and pray I correctly guess what the picture is so I don't hurt their feelings. I miss having them ask me to write out "I love you" so they could copy it into their homemade cards. I love having a high school student come to me with a problem or concern and talking it through. Or sitting around with a bunch of middle school girls talking about guys and dating and all that good stuff. I really miss living and working at camp during this time of year - I loved the fall retreats when we'd be all bundled up, drinking hot chocolate and sharing testimonies around a HUGE campfire (I LOVE campfires). You could always smell fall in the air and it was great hearing the leaves crunch under your feet while walking to the tabernacle. I miss being a leader/counselor in the dorm and visiting 40+ girls each night just to see how their day was. I loved it when one of them had a concern and we could pray about it. I also loved just laughing and hearing how their day went.
I want to make such a difference in this world. I want to see lives change. Not because I'm so great - because I'm not. But because of the message of Christ. Man .... thinking about all that has to be done before I have my counseling degree and licensing - it's overwhelming. I know it's what I have to do, but I wish it could be done right now.
Please don't misunderstand - I LOVE the job the Lord has provided!!! Without it, I could never afford to put myself through school. But I think not being able to speak as openly about my faith makes me realize how important it is to me. For the most part, I have always had ministry-type jobs where sharing the gospel was actually part of what I was expected to do. Now, to know what people need and not be able to just out and tell them - that's tough. It brings a sense of urgency. It's like seeing that someone is about to be injured but not being able to do anything about it .... it's a frustrating feeling. But my prayer is that people will ask me ... then I can share. I want people to see something different in me. I want them to wonder what it is and want it. I hope I can portray myself in that way. I dont know how. My prayer is that every day God will be my partner at work. We're in business together - I'll do my job, and He can bring people to me that will ask about my faith. I figure that He so obviously placed me there, so He must have a plan. We're a team and it will be neat to see what will happen.
At any rate, I know I need to be patient and stop thinking about what I can finally do when I have my degree, but start realizing the opportunities that God has laid at my feet and entrusted me with. I definitely don't want to wish my life away and miss what is right before me.
If you're still reading (are you?), please pray that I'll have wisdom. I think part of my frustration is because I have had several opportunities come to me lately and I don't know what to do. I have been asked to counsel in the jail as well as work with a group of "troubled" teens. Thing is, I want to do both - and more. But with working until 6 or 7 during the week, going to grad school, and just the normal responsibilities that come with living on your own .... I don't know what I have time for. I think that's why I just want to be done. If i didn't have school, I know I could dedicate time to those things. In fact, it would be my job. I need prayer that I'll have wisdom - wisdom in which ministries to choose and also wisdom in whether or not I should do any at all - I dont want to burn myself out.
Well, if you made it this far, I do appreciate it. Writing is definitely an outlet I have recently discovered I really enjoy. It helps clear my head, sort things out, and in the meantime I hope it can help you in some way.

11/10/06

my to do list

2008-03-23T23:36:00.000-04:00

I was thinking today about how short life is ... not really thinking about death, but thinking about how much I want to do and see before my life is over. I find that I often say, "Someday I will accomplish _________." I have recently realized that that list has become incredibly long ... why not start now? I think I allow myself to get into routine thinking ... go to work, pay bills, hang out with friends, go to church, visit family, etc. All of that is fine and good, but I don't want to be routine. I want to be extraordinary. I want to think outside the box. I want to stop putting things "on hold" until such-and-such happens, and just do it now!
I want to become a counselor and social worker, public speaker, learn how to fly a small plane, write a book, go to Seattle, drive to CA and back with a group of friends, go camping, lay in the middle of a wide open flat space so I can see the amazing sky and stars that God created and be amazed, learn how to play the bongo drums, master the musical saw and guitar, go see where my family used to live in Germany, take an emergency medical class so I know what to do if I witness an accident or see someone injured, go scuba diving, go back to the river with old friends, speak at the women's mission, change someone's life and make an eternal difference, have a boat so I can go sailing whenever I want, learn how to build a house and fix things, play the keyboard and sing in a group, take voice lessons, .... I want to reconnect with old friends and keep up with what is going on in the lives of my former high school students. Life is so short to sit around and do nothing.
God put me on this earth to do something ... I'm not just here to take up space and be a bum. I want to take life by the reigns and live it. I want to let my friends and family know that I love them. I want to see people get saved so they can go to Heaven.
Dare to be different!

10/16/06

A Mediocre Inheritance

2008-03-23T23:35:00.000-04:00

Are you living above the level of mediocrity? I know I'm not...at least not most of the time. You know, we concern ourselves so much with financial stability - which is a good thing! It is good to have enough money to cover the bills and enjoy the pleasures of life. BUT...so often we put that at the forefront of our minds, and totally forget about building an eternally worthwhile inheritance. The only thing that truly matters in this life is what we do for Christ. How often do we go about our lives just living. Just doing the daily routine, ...but we aren't really doing anything at all.
Maybe some of us lead exciting lives, full of skydiving and hiking excursions - traveling the world. How wonderful! But in the midst of that, are we doing something that matters...eternally? As I sit here thinking about my daily routine...it basically consists of waking up at the last possible minute, going to work, coming home, paying bills or going grocery shopping, fixing something that is breaking around the house ...maybe a trip to Barnes to read a book or just a drive to the country (since I miss it so much). All of those things are fine things, normal life things. But none of those things in and of themselves matter.
But man...imagine if I quit being mediocre and starting witnessing at work. Or instead of paying bills, watching TV and calling it a night - what if I wrote a note to one of shut-ins of our church, or visited a nursing home, or spent more time reading God's Word. Maybe during my lunch break and I can write a note to a discouraged member of the church or a coworker. Those are the things that I can add to my daily routine to make it worthwhile.
I'm currently reading the book "When God Writes You LIFE Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy (no, not LOVE story...their other book). I'm only on the second chapter, but already feel rebuked for my outlook on life. When we are kids, we dream of all these big things we want to do someday - but now that "someday" is here we settle for the average, the mundane. What about getting up and doing something great for our God? We can't depend on what people before us have done...what will YOU do to affect the next generation? Maybe YOU are the person who is supposed to write the next devotional book or inspiring short story. Maybe YOU are the person who is supposed to go on the mission field and reach the millions who don't even have a town church or have never seen a Bible. Maybe YOU are supposed to start teaching that sunday school class or sing in the choir. Maybe YOU are the one who is supposed to reach out to that teen and start discipling them. Maybe by doing some random act of kindness for someone, that will open the door to witness. Why not go rake your neighbor's yard? Sure, it's probably not on your top 10... but what if your neighbor realizes the sacrifice you made in doing that and now has a listening ear for the gospel? They may try to pay you - refuse, and talk about the GIFT of salvation that is so much greater than the gift of a clean yard. What is the inheritance that YOU are leaving behind? What about witnessing to the child you will pass by today? One thing that amazes me about children is that they believe just about anything you tell them. I rarely have witnessed to a child that they did not get saved. So give it a shot! Add to the kingdom of Heaven!
Does your life really matter? I know mine doesn't, not like it should. Oh, that we can start having an eternal viewpoint! If we only realized how short our life is here on earth! Don't waste it! Do something that matters!

8/28/06

I'm speechless...

2008-03-23T23:34:00.001-04:00

God has really been teaching me a lot lately. It's funny the different things that God can use to teach us big life lessons.
Sometimes I allow myself to be too concerned about things, such as life decisions or big purchases. But God has really shown me that He is always on time and will always take care of us.
He has really taught be about the power of prayer through my new car. Three years ago I started praying that when the time care for me to buy a car, that God would help me find a good, reliable car that would last a long time. Well, at the beginning of the summer I started actively looking for a car, and several of my students started praying that I would find a good one. In fact, I think they ended up praying about it more than I did... two of my students (one a 15 year old and also my 6 year old piano student) made a list of things I wanted on a car and actually prayed over that list. Both of their moms told me that each night they took out the list and prayed over it. Just thinking about that touches my heart. I had mentioned I would like a CD player, a sunroof... but that I felt almost funny asking for those things because they arent necessary. I am going to grad school, and I really wanted to be wise with my money and not just go out and buy some fancy car. I was also frustrated and not having a dad or ...anyone really to go shopping with me. Car dealers seem to love taking advantage of young single girls. But the Lord provided a Christian dealer who found out I was looking for a car and we went to a dealer auction together. I had my loan and my max amount....but corollas and camrys were going for thousands more than what I wanted to spend. I was getting discouraged, but I kept thinking about the fact that we had been praying and God promises that He'll provide all our needs. Well, a week later, Ronnie was at the auction and it turns out that a Toyota Avalon (The top toyota car) ended up in a Ford line at the auction, and there was hardly any competition for it. The Lord ended up providing an Avalon for me........below trade-in value!!!!!!!!!! It's beautiful... and yes, it has a sunroof, and a 6 disc changer. Heated leather seats, wood grain interior, upgraded paint job, upgraded security system....in fact, I did some research and discovered that this car has every possible add-in that you can get on an avalon. I am just beside myself. It is so amazing how God works... I had actually begun to doubt that I was going to get a decent car, but God provided one far better than I ever expected!
When I showed it to my students they went on and on about how they couldn't believe God provided so far above what they had prayed for! However, my one student who had actually made the list was absolutely quiet. Didnt say a word. I was a little concerned, but never had a chance to ask him if he was ok. His mom told me later that evening that he was truly awestruck that God answered so far above his/our prayers. She said that all he talked about that afternoon was how God provided so far above what we had prayed for and how he wanted to start praying more faithfully.
I look at that car as a ministry tool.....it sure taught me about prayer. I feel like it was really my students prayers that got the car.... they were so faithful. Their faithfulness in praying is a rebuke to me. I didnt pray every night....but they did. Its exciting when people ooooo and ahhhh about the car - I have the opportunity to explain God's power and personal attention!
This situation has taught me soooo much. God is personal. I knew that - but this is an actual thing I can touch and see that proves it. He delights in giving us our desires - and it hit me, what else has He been longing to give me that I simply haven't asked for? God's Word makes it obvious that God wants us to come to Him with our desires.... and that if He sees fit, He will give us what we ask for. Why don't I pray for more things??? As I pulled off the lot in my new car, I turned on the radio and heard the song "I am loved by the Father, I am loved by the Son, my Father is very fond of me..." (Chris Tomlin) and I just started to cry. I had been so frustrated at being "alone" in my car search but God is my Heavenly Father. He provided, far better than an earthly father could. As I heard that song, I had the heated seats on and I felt as though my Father was giving me a hug, reminding me how much He loves me.
Our God is wonderful. He leaves me speechless.

8/06

It's the little things

2008-03-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

It's funny how the thought of losing something makes your perspective change. A lot has been up in the air about my life lately, but the basic gist is that I thought I was moving but now I will be staying here one more year. I now see the things that used to annoy me in a whole new light. Looking for housing in a totally different area has made me realize that those little things that annoy me are actually now part of my daily life, and I would actually miss it.
Instead of being annoyed by Baltimore and DC traffic, I'm thankful that I live in an area with so much opportunity for adventure. While sitting on the Woodrow Wilson bridge in rush hour traffic, I can look over at the Capitol building or the Washington Monument and remember how lucky I am to live so close to our nation's capital. I can visit the Holocaust Museum, the Science Center, or the Baltimore Aquarium on a whim and still have time left over in my day to go to a play or the symphony at night. At any time of the night I can go out and find a store that is open or a place to hang out. I have hundreds of thousands of people in such close proximity - not only is that a great opportunity to meet people, but I don't even need to leave the county to witness to people from around the world. Not only that, but many of my college friends are within a 2 hour drive.
The old lady across the street has made me late several times for work because she likes to chit chat as I'm heading out the door. But I'm thankful that I live in a nice, friendly neighborhood where people look out for each other. I still don't know why the elderly gentleman across the street likes to sit on his porch all day and stare into my yard, but at least I know no one can break into my house without someone knowing about it. The air conditioner makes a terrible noise, but when I come home at night and it is 97 degrees outside, I come into a cool house. I like that the mailbox is attached to the house - when it is snowing outside I don't have to put on a coat and shoes to get the mail. The yard takes forever to mow, but I'm so thankful for a nice yard that is mine to plant flowers in and have space around my house so I am not crammed up against the neighbor. I dislike raking all the leaves in the fall - but I have huge, beautiful old trees surrounding my house to add shade and beauty to my home. And, besides, it is fun to jump into a huge leaf pile and smell the fall air. My house is small, but I love how it looks like a little doll house. It annoys me that the new stove is bigger than it is supposed to be, but I will look back in years to come and laugh about my first house and how I had to take off the burner nobs to get into my silverware drawer. My hair gets frizzy because of all the humidity, but now I am even more appreciative when I have a good hair day :)
One day I will miss the old man who walks his 2 dogs every day, several times a day, and stops to chit chat. He even planted flowers in my garden. I'll miss taking the trash out and running into my neighbor and catching up with her and hanging out with her dog.
Most of all, I will miss having teenagers randomly stop by my house just to chit chat or ask for advice. I will miss stocking up on the popsicles that the girls like to eat on a hot summer day. I like to have them in the freezer just in case. I will miss coming home after a long day at work and finding a little note stuck on my door from students who came to visit and realized I wasn't home. I'll miss my friend leaving Gospel tracts on my door as a joke. I will miss the people here... old friends, new friends, and the people that I don't even know but I pass by on a regular basis and they have unknowingly become part of my life.
I will be very happy when the day comes that I can live back in the country and can go to the lake with my guitar and Bible, or lay on a blanket and watch the clouds or find the constellations. But for now, the Lord has given me a fresh perspective on urban life... and I am not going to take this next year for granted.

7/17/06

How I know for sure

2008-03-23T23:32:00.002-04:00

I have had the opportunity to ask many people, "Are you 100% sure you are going to Heaven? " I have often been surprised by the answer... many people say that they hope so, but rarely do I find someone who KNOWS so. Only becaue of the Lord's grace can I personally say that I know so. Let me explain... trust me, this is worth reading!
When I was 18 I became a Christian by asking the Lord into my life to save me from my sin. It was not something I was born into or have "always been." It was a decision that I had to make. I came to understand three basic, simple truths from God's Word. And by the way, don't simply sit there and take my word on this. Yes, I'm being honest. But go find a Bible and read it for yourself... realize that this is real, not just something I am telling you about that has no meaning.
First I realized I was a sinner. Romans 3:23 says, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." That simply means we are all sinners. Yourself included. Myself included. Because of that we aren't worthy to be in God's presence because He is so holy. The problem with that is that God is in Heaven... but we are not worthy to be in His presence, which means we cannot be in Heaven. Romans 3:23 says that "the wages of sin is death..." (death in this verse is referring to separation from God/from Heaven) That is what we have earned (a wage) for our sin. But God loves us and wanted to find a way to fix this problem....
That's where John 3:16 comes in. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life." You see, God sent His only Son, Jesus, to Earth. Jesus was born to the virgin Mary and the whole time He was growing up, He never sinned. Because He never sinned, He is the only One able to take our punishment for us. He doesn't have a "sin-debt" of His own to take care of, so He is able to take care of ours. He was the last person who deserved to suffer a consequence of sin - He never committed any! But He WANTED to do that for us so we could have the opportunity for entrance into Heaven and full fellowship with God Romans 5:8, "But God commendeth (showed) His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
After He died, Christ was put into a tomb, but He did not stay there. The Bible tells us that He rose again on the third day - He could do that because He was God's Son! And of course, this is what we celebrate on Easter.
That's it. That's the gospel...the message. If you believe those things and realize that:
1. You're a sinner
2. Christ died for your sin and only He can save you
3. He came alive again
The Bible says that you can accept His gift - accept the gift of salvation, which is the way to Heaven! Romans 10:13 says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."
God wants you to believe His Word and take Christ as your personal Savior. If you have never done that, you can do it right now. Just pray and tell the Lord that you believe those things and that you want Him as your Savior.
You certainly can use your own words, but if you aren't quite sure what to say, but know you want to accept this gift, here are some words you could say:
Dear Lord, I know that I'm a sinner and I know that Jesus died on the cross for me. Please forgive me of my sin, come into my heart, and save me from my sin. Thank you so much! Amen
Wow! Did you just pray something like that??? Please tell me!! Send me a message! I want to be happy for you and pray for you
By the way...that gift can never be taken away or lost. Hebrews 13:5 says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." No matter what happens, if you meant it when you prayed, God will never leave you. Regardless of how you feel. Despite what future mistake you will make... God's love is amazing and never-ending!
I cannot imagine not having the Lord in my life...He helps me through trials, gives me blessings throughout my day, strength to face the world...but most importantly, He gave me the free gift of salvation. I really hope that you have accepted that gift as well!
I know this may be a lot to take in if you have never heard this before, so please feel free to send me a message!

Interesting Thought

2008-03-23T23:32:00.001-04:00

Thinking on the story of the prodigal son ...I dont have my Bible here, unfortunately - but you can find what I am referring to in Luke ch. 15, verse 20 and following. I am not saything this is the right attitude, but one thing I have struggled with a lot is how it seems like people who arent serving the Lord prosper. It's not that I dont want good for them - but why isnt it dished out a little more evenly? Satan has been making it seem like they have so much fun, seem to prosper, and those who are striving to serve God don't. The reality is, serving God is a wonderful blessing. The fact that He allows us the priviledge of serving Him is humbling. But the human side of me struggles at times with the "fairness factor." Doesn't it seem easier to just not care? What about giving up full time ministry to make more money? What about the man who walks out and leaves a house full of kids to his wife. He prospers, she struggles. How is that fair?
But God is always fair. Tonight something hit me - look towards the end of ch. 15. The older bro of the prodigal son (the son who wandered away from his family and lived a lifestyle of sin) is talking to his dad, saying it's unfair - hes continued to do right all along and yet he doesnt get a party thrown in his honor. He doesnt get a new robe, etc. But his dad pointed some things out - first, the older son should rejoice in the fact that his brother has returned - be happy for his time of joy. Also, the prodigal son was enjoying his time that day, but the reality was that his inheritance was gone. Yes, he was forigven and restored to fellowship, but his monetary inheritance was gone. There was still a consequence. The dad pointed out to the son who stayed faithful that his inheritance was still coming... he had nothing to complain about. The prodigal son lost a lot in the process - friends, dignity, money, etc. He had his time. But in the long run, the faithful son was much more blessed.
In addition, we can see the the faithful son did not serve with the right attitude. He was physically in the right place - workin in the fields. But mentally and spiritually he was wrong. He was bitter. He was not focusing on serving with a servant's heart. He was not doing it out of love. How often do I serve, especially with being in full-time ministry, and it ends up that I'm in the right place physically - at the piano, in the pew, in front of the class, etc - but spiritually I'm way off base. What is my motive? It should be service, not "what can I get out of this?" Just as a wife enjoys doing things for her husband, I should enjoy doing things for the Lord, regardless of what I get in return or how much "fun" it is. That's love in it's truest form. Oh, to be able to love like that! We need to keep on keeping on... keep a God-centered eternal viewpoint!

argh!

2008-03-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

Why is it that people get on their mighty ego power trips and think they're better than everyone else? I know, we are all guilty of that at times. But let's get a grip here, people.
I saw a TV thing one time about these skeletons that were found somewhere. They were saying how it was so hard to determine the race, etc, because all the bones appeared the same. We are all equal!!! The only difference, physically speaking, among people is the skin that covers our bones - we all may look different, but if we could erase a few inches of skin, we'd see we're all the same! Sometimes I wish people would look into the soul instead of the outer appearance. And no, this isn't stemming from a specific situation, just a general observation. I am guilty of it, we all struggle with it. I often judge people and assume they're a snob. How many friendships have I never made because of being judgemental? Or what about assuming someone is dorky or stupid or boring, and the list could go on and on.
Now let's take this beyond the physical - what about judging people because of their past? or their habits, or whatever else? Who are we to judge? The Bible makes it clear that we are ALL capable of any sin. To make people feel as though they are inferior because of a past misake is just wrong. Sometimes I wonder if God will allow them to struggle with the very sin they are looking down upon. Not that God tempts us. But would He allow us to go down that path?
I honestly don't know why this is on my mind today. But Im really fired up about it. We all need to realize that we are all equal - regardless of race, beauty, talents, past, etc. In 100 years, who will care? Only what we did for Christ will matter anyways!
6/26/06

Frustrated

2008-03-23T23:30:00.002-04:00

I post blogs generally as an outlet to try to help other people and encourage them. Well, I have hesitated to post this one because quite frankly, I'm extremely frustrated. But then I realized... everyone is like this at some point or another, and maybe someone will be able to relate and realize you are not alone in the battle of the faith.
It just seems like lately I have let the Lord down left and right. I am leading a Bible study with some of the teen girls from the high school where I teach. We are studying the book, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" ... go read that book! But we talk about some of the sins that people tend to deem more ungodly than others, and how it is that people who love God can end up down that path. We just discussed this past week some of the common characteristics among people who have taken the wrong road. The whole idea of the book is to point out that Satan loves to ruin the testimony of Christians because that can lead many people away from Christ. Plus, because of the fact that the end times are closer than ever, Satan is more on a rampage than ever before - kind of the idea of "if I'm gonna lose, I'm gonna lose with the most destruction to the opposing force as possible .." I feel like I have been allowing Satan to use me to hurt God. It's scary. It's like I know I'm doing wrong, and even in the midst of it I am thinking "right now you know you are hurting God" ... but yet I proceed anyways. How can that be? Why am I allowing the Enemy to use me to hurt my Savior? And most of all, why does God love me despite of all of it? I know He isn't pleased, but He still loves.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't be a counselor... I know this is the Devil trying to turn me away from God's will. I won't allow him to do that. The truth is, maybe God can use some of my mistakes to help other people because I'll be able to relate to them better. I just sometimes look at my life and think I'm such a hypocrite. I lead a Bible study on why it's so important to stay close to God and not allow Satan to deceive us... and I can honestly say that if I could MAKE the teens that sit in my living room do right, I would. I want to spare them pain that comes from doing the wrong thing. But then it's like I'm not even listening to myself. Have you ever felt like that? It's like you want what's best for them, but in a way, you feel like it's too late for yourself.
But the beautiful thing is that with God, it's never too late. He's the only one that can wash away our sin. The only one who can look at us, after true repentance, and see us as though it never happened. I want to not take advantage of that. I don't want to think "I'll just apologize later for it." That's not true repentance, in my mind. The good thing is, I know I'm not alone in this struggle. Even Paul struggled with it and wrote about this very thing in Romans. (If I had my Bible here, I'd tell you where exactly.) I know many of you reading this probably feel the same way I do. The better thing is that I know God loves me anyway -- for what reason, I'm not sure. But it feels so good to know that He does. I don't know why He still blesses, and I don't know why He still uses me .... but I'm sure glad He does. I guess the BEST thing of all is that I know God can change me. He is the only One with the power to change. I can't do it by myself. And you know what, neither can you. Many times it feels like an inconquerable battle.... but God can do all things. He had the power to part the Red Sea, hold the mouths of lions closed, throw the stars into the sky. He WANTS to help. Often He's just waiting for us to ask. I'm so thankful for my Savior.

6/17/06

Only Peter

2008-03-23T23:30:00.001-04:00

Only Peter
I was thinking about Peter. I think I would have gotten along well with him. I am talking about Peter, the disciple of Jesus. It seems like he was always speaking before thinking, making mistakes then kicking himself for it... just like me. But wow....what a lesson his life has taught me this week...
So often we look at people living for the Lord and think, "eh...that's alright for them, but I am going to stay here where it's safe and comfortable. But good for them! That's just not really for me."
Have you ever really thought about when Peter walked on the water? I know I have, but recently I have thought of it in a whole new light: The other 11 disciples were in the boat. They could have gotten out and walked on water too. But they decided to stay where it was safe... however, Peter was the one who stepped out in faith, literally. And it hit me... HE is the ONLY ONE on the entire face of the earth that actually knows what it feels like to walk on water!!!!!!!! How exhilirating that must have been!!!! The ones who stayed in their safe haven never received that unique blessing. Yes, Peter took his eyes off Jesus and started to sink. BUT PETER WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO EVEN TRIED. And...even though he faltered, he THEN got to experience Jesus literally reaching down and physically pulling him up out of the murky water. What an experience!!!!!!!! I bet the other disciples kicked themselves for not trying.
I know I have watched other people and seen what they enjoy and then regret not also trying. I dont want to "not try" for the Lord... man... so many people think living for the Lord isn't "comfortable" .... they're right. It's EXHILARATING!!!! Yeah, of course there are the hard times. But, like Peter, without taking those steps of faith, we won't ever have the opportunity for those unique blessings that only come through "risk." Although, with Christ - I would call it a step of faith more than a risk.
Don't be one of the 11 in the boat!!!! EXPERIENCE GOD!!!!!!! SERVE HIM!!!!!!! Don't look back at this short life and regret what you didn't do for God.

5/18/06

WHY?! Oh wait, I think I know this one.

2008-03-23T23:29:00.000-04:00

why?...oh wait! I think I know this one.
I am a person who likes to know why. When the mechanic fixes the car, Im not just satisfied to know they fixed it. I want to know how the problem started, how it got fixed, and why it got fixed that way. I like to know how and why about everything.
sometimes I wonder WHYYYYYYY the teens are the way they are. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE my students. I wouldnt be a teacher if I didnt. But I get so irritated when they dont listen or dont do their work or slack off in school. I want to shake them and say "Dont you realize this is going to make a difference in your life???! Don't you realize how lucky you have it to be in a Christian school????? Dont you realize someone is sacrificing big time for you to be here, and you are just blowing it off?? And lastly, dont you realize how much work I put into this and you just sit there and dont do anything??" Not all my students are like that, and even the ones that are are good kids. But it just drives me crazy sometimes. WHY?!??!
But then I realize God is teaching me a big lesson in my own life. It makes me think...how many times has God wanted to hit me upside the head and say, "ANNA!!!!! Don't you realize what a sacrifice has been made for you??? I sent my Son so you could be forgiven. I forgave you....so forgive yourself and get over it! Take advantage of My love! ANNA... dont you realize how much work I put into that sunrise this morning - look at it!!! I made it for you to enjoy. Get out of your funk and chill.....look around you. Isnt it obvious I love you???? ANNA.......why are you doubting??? look at how I have provided for you in the past... do you think I can't do that again?"
Why, I ask, does God allow me the frustration of seeing my kids slack off..not appreciate what they have? Because He wants me to realize how often I don't take advantage or take notice of Him. He puts a whole lot more work into me than I put into my students....what right do I have to become indignant when they do not appreciate or notice the time and effort I put into teaching them. God puts so much into me and I just take it for granted, and then even get mad at Him if things dont go my way. Wow. I'm glad God made me to think about "why."
3/29/06

Even more than the sand!!!!

2008-03-23T23:28:00.004-04:00

My favorite verse is one I found while living in FL... the sand down there is very fine, inmeasurable... and then I found this versePs. 139:17, 18How precious unto me are Thy thoughts O God, how vast is the sum of them. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand!! Wow!!! MORE IN NUMBER THAN THE SAND??!?!??! ? Thats mind boggling!! If I could count all the sand on the whole earth - in FL, in Hawaii, Bahamas, and so on, it wouldnt measure up to the number of thoughts God has for me!!! It teaches me two things:1. God must love me a lot to think that much about me2. He surely has a plan for my life... with all of that thinking, Im sure there is no part of my life that He hasnt thought about. He knows all my trials, fears, aspirations..everything. And yet He still loves me. Wow! Wouldn't I be silly not to listen to Him and what He's trying to tell me?? I remember one time sitting at the beach. I was worried about a test the next day, and my friend Kevin picked up a handful of sand and chucked it at me, telling me to quit worrying because God has thought about my test more than the amount of sand he just threw at me... lol Talk about an object lesson. But so true!!
3/18/06

Outreach

2008-03-23T23:28:00.001-04:00

I heard this really great quote today -
No one deserves to hear the gospel twice until everyone has heard it once.
Our missions conference this week has been so good. Tonight there was a video from BIMI, and it was sharing how people over in Russia and the country of Georgia are so hungry for God's Word. They had video tape of a missions trip over there, and people were crying because they received their first Bible, they were even kissing the cover of their Bibles. What a rebuke to me. The guy had a box full of Bibles, and he was bombarded with people begging for a Bible. Man... that really tugged at my heart. I have never felt God leading me into full time missions, although I suppose that is not out of the realm of possibilities, but I definitely want to go on short term missions trips. To see those people, how happy they were to learn about God. I think here in America we are so used to being able to go to church and have Bible studies, christian radio, etc, that it has started to lose its value. The speaker said that over there if you put your Bible on the floor, you have lost the respect of the people because of that. That is how much they love the Word of God.
It only costs $1.20 to supply a Bible for those people. Think of how much money we spend on so many things that aren't eternal. Even if you only give $12.00 - you have given 10 people God's Word!!! Most likely their very first Bible! It could change their life, their families lives......wow. And no, Im not a spokesperson for BIMI, haha. Just excited and humbled....feeling rebuked about how I spend my time and money. Why not, the next time I want to bu y a n ew outfit, take that money and send it... give the gospel to entire families and as a result, their lives change! What a better use of my finances!
I remember one summer when I was working for CEF.... I was telling a little girl named Roberta about Jesus, and she kept asking me - why havent I ever heard this before?? I have never heard this before! Then this past week at church I was able to talk with a little boy named Chad.....and I asked him if he knew who Jesus was and he told me "my parents havent told me about that yet" ... then I asked him about heaven, and he again said "my parents haven't told me about that yet." .... wow.... that is so sad. Here in America! Think of what it must be in other countries! The thing that always gets me...... of course you run into people that dont want to hear i t, but generally speaking, most people I have talked to do want to be saved. Especially kids. I think sometimes Christians view unsaved people as "bad" people - they arent. In fact, most are wonderful, sweet people. Many are very religious - a lot of religions have more "requirements" than Christianity. It's not that they dont care about wanting to know God, but they havent been explained the truth. Especially for kids, its not that they have chosen to not go to heaven. It's that they haven't been told. Man......theres a whole world of people who would love to know the truth, but there isnt anyone to tell them! Some dont e ven know that they have the "wrong truth." Why not me!??!?! Why not you!?
I know this is a bit of a ramble... but I'm just really humbled thinking about this, it makes me want to get my priorities straight.
I just keep thinking, what if no one had ever told my family about Christ's death and resurrection ..... where would we be? What would my life be like?
3/7/06

Lack of Faith

2008-03-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

So often we lack faith. God calls us to do something, and many times we tell Him we can't do it. Isnt that silly? If God CREATED us, why would we then tell Him we can't do something ... look at what God has done already! It doesnt even make sense that He'd ask us to do something if we really couldn't. If He MADE us, can't He supply us the power to do what He wants us to?
I often think of Daniel in the Lions Den and how amazing it must have been to be down there and actually live through that. I think I view it as a fairy-tale type story, something that happened so long ago that it didnt really happen. But it did. Daniel had faith, and God really did shut the lions' mouths! Then I think about the parting of the Red Sea - can you imagine if that was on the news tomorrow night as something that happened. The whole world would come to a hault in utter amazement. I have access to the God that made that happen, and yet I think He can't take care of my problems or needs, and when He makes it clear I am supposed to move certain directions in my life, I think I can't do it or that if I do, I will be unhappy. How silly! I love Hebrews 11 - have you ever really just sat and read that chapter and THOUGHT about it? When I was trying to discern if the Lord really did want me to go to grad school, I was so uncertain. I don't think I have ever been so unsure of a decision, so I went up to the lake and sat on top of a hill with my Bible and just prayed and asked God to show me a verse, and I opened my Bible and fell upon Hebrews 11. How amazing - I have read it so many times in the past and it was just words, I didnt let them sink in. Look how many amazing things happened just because some people had faith. Wow! I love the verse that says Noah moved with fear. It wasnt that he was this perfect human so unlike us... he was just like us, but had faith and respect in God, and look at what he did. Yeah, he was afraid, but he still moved. I wish I could have that kind of impact on the world, to make such a difference for Christ. Whos to say we can't accomplish something world-changing for Christ, not that the goal is to be famous, but the goal is to glorify God in a big big way....and the way you do that is through faith! I love to look at the stars (which is kind of hard where I live now - city lights argh! Plus the fear of being shot or something, but thats another story)
Anyways, the stars. Our sun is a dwarf star - one of the smallest. So think of how far away the stars are for them to look so small to us, just a tiny dot of light that produces no heat that we can feel here on earth. wow.......God made that. Have you ever just sat and looked at them for a long time? Wow. He surely can handle my problems and give me the strength to do what He has asked me to. Why do I forget that He is that God when it comes to the practical everyday things of life?
Let's not forget who our God is and what He has done... He is the same God who shut the mouths of the lions, who parted the Red Sea, who turned Moses' rod to a serpent and then back again.... so trust Him!
3/5/06

Standard of Measurement

2008-03-23T23:26:00.000-04:00

Standard of Measurement
I was thinking tonight about how we often compare ourselves to other people. Even looking through myspace, it's easy to compare yourself to others... what they look like, their financial success, the amount of education, where they live and what they are doing, etc. I think everyone struggles with this to some degree or another. But that's like measuring with a 11" ruler. Why would we want to use an imperfect standard of measurement?
I know, at least for us ladies, that Proverbs 31 is a great standard, the perfect standard, the 12" ruler kind of standard. Why not look at Scripture and ask ourselves how we compare to it instead of others. It's such a hard thing to do at times, but it seems like the more you are in the Word, the less you are concerned with things of the world and it is such much easier to find true contentment. I mean, how can you read of God's love and committment to you and not feel a sense of contentment? And why not go to His Word and evaluate ourselves instead of looking to others? So, instead of looking to others and wishing our contentment away, let's look to the Word and seriously take a step back and evaluate our lives. Here are some things I have found that I need to ask myself. I wrote these in my Bible, and if you have room at the end of Proverbs 31, I encourage you to do the same.
According to Proverbs 31, I should be:
v.11 Trustworthy
v. 13,17 A hard worker
v. 15 Rise early to work, put myself last, and finish the job
v. 16 A good steward of time and money
v. 20 Help those in need
v. 21 Make sure my family has the best and their needs are taken care of
v. 25 Have strength and honor, look to the future and be excited
v. 26 Wise, Kind
v. 27 Always busy doing something worthwhile
v. 30 (and most important!) Fear the Lord - Put God first! Don't make beauty or having favor among men as my goal. These things are not wrong, but should not be my goal or central focus.
There are some other passages, such as Titus 2, 2 Cor. 6:14-16, etc. I just challenge you, and myself, to stop looking at others as our standard of measurement, but to God and His Word.
I admit, looking at the above list..... Im feeling rather un-Proverbs 31ish. BUT... I also know that God will never ask us to do something and then hope we can manage. He WILL give us the ability to accomplish what He has put before us. Just take one step at a time!

Random thoughts

2008-03-23T23:23:00.001-04:00

Just some random thoughts about God... not necessarily in any order...
I was just sitting here thinking about where God is leading me in my life. It reminds me of Ps. 139:17, 18 - "How precious also are Thy thoughts unto me, O God, how vast is the sum of them. If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand." Think about that for a minute. If we could actually count every single piece of sand on the earth, that number would not even come close to the number of thoughts God has for me, individually. And for you, individually, as well as everyone else, individually. This really hit me when I was at Clearwater Beach and saw how fine the sand is down there...I can't imagine even trying to count the sand on that one beach, and to think God thinks about me more than that...... that's a lot of thoughts! It just goes to show that, if He thinks that much about us, He must really love us and have a plan for our life.
I know that God is leading me to go to grad school to study counseling, and as I look back at my life..... I can't even wrap my mind around everything He has done for me to get me to this point. It's so overwhelming and makes me just so excited. I often think, why would God care so much about me to make it all work out like this...... to think that way back when I was a little kid God already knew I'd be heading down this path and He was putting obstacles and things in my life to help me grow. Even the bad things, those things will help me counsel others because I will be able to relate a little better because of the things God has allowed in my own life.
Then that makes me stop and think, How in the world does He keep my life so organized!?! I may not always feel like everything is under control, but to stop and think how He perfectly orchestrated everything, every little detail (even the times I was not where I needed to be with Him) to prepare me. I think.......how does He remember to pay such attention to my life? I can't even keep track of my own life, I forget things or forget appointments, but God has the whole world to keep in check and He never makes a mistake, never forgets something. Never forgets to allow that trial in my life to help me grow...never forgets to send those blessings to remind us of His love.
I remember one night I was standing on the balcony behind Cathcart (The dining hall that backed up to Tampa Bay), and I was looking over at the lights in Tampa and I just started thinking about how many people were in Tampa. That area is so built up, and looking at all the lights that lined the bay I just remember it hitting me, how does God do it? I was up there thinking about how God had worked something out in my life, and it hit me......I get so amazed how He can do that for me, but He not only does that for me, He does that for everybody...... I get overwhelmed enough thinking about how He does it for me, and to think He has enough power to do that for everybody else.........wow. That is amazing. He brings us into each other's lives and sends us on our way, all for His purpose. I dont even know if this is making sense......if I am putting it into the right words. It's almost like you get the "full" feeling, for lack of a better description. Just like you can't handle thinking about it anymore, and you are left with such peace and contentment that you cant even describe it.
....and then I think WHY am I such an idiot!? This past week I have been struggling with even having the desire to serve the Lord. I keep thinking of all the things I want to go do that I know would not be right or pleasing to the Lord, and it's almost like I start to struggle with that "hardness of heart" and think who cares..... who cares about doing what's right and trying to serve the Lord. But when you stop to think of all I have just written.....why would we ever want to do our "own thing"? Isn't it clear God is so much smarter and more wise.... He knows the future! He knows what He has to do to prepare me for the next step in life.....why would I want to walk away from Him and try to do it on my own? What do I know?? And then it's a huge eye opener to realize, this is one of the times Satan would probably want to get me down the most. I'm trying to discern where God wants me to go to school......whether or not I should move or stay here? .......of course Satan would love to get me off track. Do I honestly want to give Satan the victory?!!? Beth Moore, the author of When Godly People Do Ungodly Things (you have GOT to read that book!) explained it like this, and it is a huge motivator/eye opener.
Think of the trials Job went through.....I'm sure it was tough for him to keep on keeping on. But Beth pointed out that Satan asked permission before he was able to test Job like that.....same is true about Peter, who denied Christ, but not after Satan asked God if he could test Peter. It's almost like we're in a game.....God and Satan are the coaches, and I'm on God's team. We should all be on God's team. Satan has challeneged God and said yea, I bet that player wont make the right play......put her under some stress and she'll fail the team. God has faith in us and allows us to be put in the game....to test our strength and to prove Satan wrong. dont you think job would have been so motivated if God had revealed to him while he was in the midst of his trials, that he was i n the middle of a huge warfare between God and Satan and God had "put him in the game" to win one for Christ? It's a priviledge to think God believes in us enough to put us in the game. Why would we want to let him down? I know that there are times we honestly dont want to let him down, but the opponent seems to intimidating that it is IMPOSSIBLE to win the play.... but I have to remember that God won't give me more than I can handle, and if He has called on me to make the play, He knows I can do it. I try so hard to remember, when I feel like giving up, I picture God calling me to the sidelines, giving me a pep talk, asking me why I am losing my drive to make the right play... It's like if we could see what was really going on in the spiritual realm, we'd have a much clearer perspective and it'd be a huge wake up call about getting serious about serving God... I used to wonder why God would allow Satan to test us when He already knows that we will mess up. But think about it.....isn't it true that when we make a mistake, we are so much more aware of that weakness and remember not to do it again? Think of Peter......I was thinking about this. Satan asked permission to sift Peter, and God said yes. I kept thinking......WHY? Why did God give him permission when He knew Peter would make the wrong choice. But look at what Peter learned. Look at what his mistake has taught us. Like when youre in a real game and you make a "stupid mistake" ... you learn from that and move on, more aware than ever that you dont want to let that happen again. Nothing is wasted in God's economy. All I know is, I want to make the play for Christ. Right now I feel pretty weary and I really want God to take me out of the game and put me on the sidelines for awhile.....but how is that going to help me grow.
Have you heard about the man God asked to push against the rock? God told this guy to go outside and push on this huge rock. So the man did, day after day.......this went on for months, but the rock never budged. The man was getting so irritated that God asked him to do something that was reaping no profit......the rock would not budge! Why wasn't God helping him? Why wasn't God moving the rock? Finally one day, the man asked God....... and God told him that He had never asked the man to MOVE the rock, just to PUSH on the rock. Then the man looked down and his arms and legs and saw the muscles that had formed through pushing on the rock.......they did not exist before this seemingly impossible task. I often wonder what rocks God has asked me to push and I gave up... I dont ever want to give up...
I know this has been a lot of thoughts that seem to jump around, but it's been on my heart and mind lately, and I think getting it out helps me clear my head.